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It's getting more difficult to stay clean - August 19th 2017, 08:35 AM

I'm not good with time, but I think it's been about seven months since the last time I cut. Over this period of time, I ended up losing my pocket knife which is what I would use to hurt myself and so I nearly forgot all together about my addiction. Recently, I found my knife again and I can't help but to leave it on my computer desk in front of me and I can't stop staring at it. It's reached a point that during this night around 3AM I grabbed the knife and held it against my arm for a while, before I was able to put it down without causing any harm to myself. I'm just not sure what to do anymore to stop myself.
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Re: It's getting more difficult to stay clean - August 19th 2017, 09:11 PM

When a smoker decides to quit, they first need to throw away ash trays and lighters. You need to throw away that knife. That's your next step. I wish i could tell you it's a walk in the park, but it's not. You said it yourself, you're an addict. And once an addict, always an addict. There are no former addicts. Only addicts and addicts on recovery. I used to self harm, for years. I'm still an addict to this day even though I've been clean for five years and change. Those urges still exist, I've just gotten Better at not giving in. Find a hobby, get a good book, whatever you do, do something, anything to occupy your mind. But most importantly, get rid of that knife.

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Re: It's getting more difficult to stay clean - August 20th 2017, 02:13 AM

Getting rid of your tool would probably be a good idea if you feel ready. If you are not ready to get rid of your tools than I suggest that you put them somewhere that will take time for you to get too. If you have to search for your tools or it takes a while to get to them it is possible that once you get to the tools you won't want to cut anymore. I have done this and it did help.

The thing about urges is that they won't ever completely go away. I have found that, for me, the first year of trying to not cut was the worst. I was pretty much urging every day, all day and I had to constantly distract myself. However, as the year went by the urges got less and less intense.

I was able to be self harm free for about 2 and a half years and then some really stressful and triggering events happened and I started cutting again. I think that if you can figure out what is causing you to feel the urge to cut again after these seven months it might be helpful. You can identify those issues and then maybe you could try and find someone to talk too. That's actually what I regret about my relapses. I knew what was stressing me out and increasing my urges but I didn't talk to anyone about it.

If you ever want to vent or something feel free to message me as well.

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