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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Question NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 04:48 PM

I'm going on holiday in just over 2 weeks with my parents. I've been self harming since last December and have alot of scars all over my thighs because of it. Since booking the holiday I've tried to stop myself but since going back to school I've just had to do it. My parents don't understand what's going on with me. I need them to know before the holiday because I don't want to ruin it for them, but I don't know how to tell them. I don't want them to stop me from doing it either. Of course I'd love to be able to stop, but I can't yet. So how do I tell my parents that I self harm without them freaking out too much??
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 05:08 PM

First of you are the only person that knows how your parents react to things such as this. Do they usually overreact and fly off the handle or are the capable of listening and being supportive of you? You are the best judge of that. If they have been supportive in the past than I'd be honest and upfront with them and pretty much say to them exactly what you wrote in the post above. If they have a tendency to fly off the handle it becomes much harder as I see the only option is you having to hide it from them during your holiday.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 07:49 PM

Hello Lucy,

Thank you for joining teenhelp and coming to us for help with this and you did a wonderful job saying what's going on with you. Hugs
So you want to tell you're parents about how you self harm and that can be really scary and I understand that. Can you write down on paper everything, what is going on with you and why you are doing this to yourself and get it all out don't hold anything back, don't worry how much you are writing just explain everything to you're parents on the paper. And also write down that you want to tell them before you all go on you're trip so that no one is upset or angry or feeling anything like that, you want to be completely honest with them.

(You can start off the letter by saying mom and dad I have something really important to say to you and I'm not sure how the stop and I'm writing this to you because I want to get everything out in the open with you and then just go right into the self-harm and what else you are going through.)
When you go to give you're parents the letter, ask them to read the whole letter before they start talking to you or say anything to you about it. And then after they have read the letter do you're best to talk to you're parents calmly. You're parents will be upset or angry but if you try to stay calm they maybe able to calm down too. I hope everything works out for you when you tell you're parents about this. Lots of hugs.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 10:25 PM

Writing to your parents or verbally telling your parents about your self-harm are both great ideas. If you would like to write a note but do not want to give it to your parents, you can leave it in an area that they'll find it, such as the dining room table. This is also a good way to open up the discussion if you don't want to initiate because leaving a note kind of puts the ball in their court, so to speak.

If you decide you wan to verbally tell your parents, you could write a note to serve as an outline for what you'd like to tell them about. You could also tell them in a public place if you think that would help them stay a little bit more composed.

Someting to consider is that many parents do not have the best reactions to self-harm and this could be because they are shocked or do not know much about the topic. If your parents initially have a bad reaction, know that it sometimes helps for them o have time to think everything over. Best of luck in telling your parents and feel free to keep us updated.


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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 10:27 PM

Thanks all of you. For some reason I doubted that anyone would reply to me.
I've started writing a letter for them, just don't know when will the the best time to give it to them. I'm so scared about their reaction. My mum has always tried to support me but hasn't always done the best job at it and my dad prefers to not acknowledge that there's a problem.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 10:31 PM

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Originally Posted by Lucy1572 View Post
Thanks all of you. For some reason I doubted that anyone would reply to me.
I've started writing a letter for them, just don't know when will the the best time to give it to them. I'm so scared about their reaction. My mum has always tried to support me but hasn't always done the best job at it and my dad prefers to not acknowledge that there's a problem.
Lucy1572, I think you are doing the right thing. You have to get this out in the open either way. Yes it has to be scary for you, but once it is out in the open at least it is out there and your love ones are made aware of the situation. Sure you cannot control how they are going to react to the situation and whatever way they do should not affect you decision in how to handle the situation once you tell them. Get it out in the open first and see where it goes from there. Good Luck.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 7th 2017, 11:03 PM

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Originally Posted by Jackson's Mommy View Post
Lucy1572, I think you are doing the right thing. You have to get this out in the open either way. Yes it has to be scary for you, but once it is out in the open at least it is out there and your love ones are made aware of the situation. Sure you cannot control how they are going to react to the situation and whatever way they do should not affect you decision in how to handle the situation once you tell them. Get it out in the open first and see where it goes from there. Good Luck.

Thank u xx
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 11:33 AM

It's a topic they're going to need to understand eventually so they know what the proper response is and how they can be effectively helpful.

It's their lack of knowledge, lack of understanding, lack of knowing how to respond that complicates it.

When I see someone with those marks I immediately think how depressed they must be. And I feel sorry for them. And I hope they are seeing a psychiatrist doctor and trying different medications until they find the one that works wonders for them.

(It depends who the individual is. There are so many to try! But there's no way of knowing in advance which one will be the one that works for a particular individual. Some won't do anything, or they'll just have side effects but no benefits. But there's likely one out there that will be the game changer which works wonders. Just have to try them all.)

I'm not too concerned about the cutting, I'm more focused on let's get this person the right medical help so they don't have to suffer anymore.

That's pretty much the message parents need to get. Focus on fixing the underlying medical problem that's causing this.


(There are alternatives to cutting. I think they're listed at the top of this forum. Curing the underlying medical problem is awesome! As now I don't feel that way anymore. It's still me, just not the unwell version of me.)
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 06:04 PM

I've tried counselling before but that didn't work at all because i'm very closed off and ending up just sitting there in silence and my mum refuses to even consider medication because she seems to think that my problems will all magically disappear.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 06:21 PM

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I've tried counselling before but that didn't work at all because i'm very closed off and ending up just sitting there in silence and my mum refuses to even consider medication because she seems to think that my problems will all magically disappear.
The problem is that no problem goes away without some help whether it be through therapy or medication. I myself am not a huge advocate of putting everyone on medication as a quick fix type of thing, but that is just me. Have you ever tried self help like journaling or writing poems or lyrics to get your feeling out that way? That may help you out a little.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 06:35 PM

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Originally Posted by Jackson's Mommy View Post
The problem is that no problem goes away without some help whether it be through therapy or medication. I myself am not a huge advocate of putting everyone on medication as a quick fix type of thing, but that is just me. Have you ever tried self help like journaling or writing poems or lyrics to get your feeling out that way? That may help you out a little.
i have a journal and i have tried poetry and lyrics before but it didn't really help, but i am open to attempting that sort of thing again.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 06:55 PM

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i have a journal and i have tried poetry and lyrics before but it didn't really help, but i am open to attempting that sort of thing again.
Well Lucy I really hope you can find an alternative to helping you through this. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM me.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 8th 2017, 07:47 PM

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Well Lucy I really hope you can find an alternative to helping you through this. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM me.
thank you. I really appreciate it xx
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 9th 2017, 10:59 PM

@Lucy1572 Wow that is a huge step in telling your parents about your self harming and I first want to congratulate you for even going there with the thought of doing it. It has to be very scary as it is something very personal to you and to open up like that to your parents is being really strong.

I really like the idea of writing a letter and even if the letter isn't something you are going to just give them to read and it would be something for you to read to them I still think having your thoughts prepared on paper is very important. So I would definitely do that. Than with your delivery as hard as it may be try and be as direct as you can be. I also think having things written down will help with this. If at all possible before you even start let your parents know that what you are about to tell them is very important to you and you would like them to let you completely finish before they reply in anyway.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 11th 2017, 06:55 AM

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I've tried counselling before but that didn't work at all because i'm very closed off and ending up just sitting there in silence and my mum refuses to even consider medication because she seems to think that my problems will all magically disappear.
I had a counselor like that when I was young. I'd just sit there silent, and he'd sit there silent, and we'd both sit there silent for an hour.

In hindsight, not a very good match for me. A good counselor would either know how to draw me out and get me talking, about anything, or at least suggest I see a different counselor, because he's not getting anywhere with me (though he was getting paid, and maybe that's all he cared about).

Sometimes the best people to talk to are anonymous people on forums like here. (Well this place might be better than most. Many forums just have mean people who flame everyone mercilessly. That's not helpful!)

Keep coming back and let us know how it's going!
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 11th 2017, 01:56 PM

Hey Lucy,

Did you end up telling your parents? If so, how did that go? I think it is great that you want to tell them. One suggestion I would make is that you print out some informative information about self harm that might help your parents to better understand it. A quick google search should help you find articles and then you might want to read through it to make sure there isn't anything inaccurate in there.

Therapy can help but you do have to open up. The first therapist I saw, was a relatively good therapist and I talked to him a bit more than any other therapist I had been too. However, I was still closed off and there were times when we would sit in silence. There were also times when I would broach a topic and then I would shut down further discussion once I started getting uncomfortable.

For me, therapy didn't start being helpful until I opened up and the biggest reason I started to open up was because I realized that I was, likely, going to slip further and further into my depression and unhealthy habits if I didn't figure something out.

I think the key to trying to overcome self harm is identifying the reasons that you feel like harming yourself. There were a lot of reasons for me and it took a long time for me to identify them all but it did help in my recovery. The biggest triggers for me are anger, extreme stress and anxiety. Of course, there are other triggers but I am aware that when I am dealing with the three feelings above that I need to try and figure out a way to cope because I will likely start urging to self harm. It is possible that if you can identify your triggers that you can, slowly, get to a place where you are able to stop.

I hope that this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 16th 2017, 04:29 PM

I'm either going to tell them tomorrow or the day after. I'm really scared about how they're going to react.
   
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Re: NEED ADVICE ASAP - October 16th 2017, 08:14 PM

Telling people about your self-harm can be very difficult but know that we’re rooting for you and we’ll be here for you along the way.


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Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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