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Heathen Offline
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How to keep a relapse from becoming an episode - May 25th 2018, 10:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was almost three months self-harm free until today, when I gave into my urges and burned myself. For weeks I've been having urges to self-harm. They were pretty manageable while I was in school, but since the start of summer break it's become harder to resist them. I don't know why I'm having them; I'm not depressed or suicidal, and life is pretty great. I have no complaints, minus some issues with my brother, but even that is fairly minor at this point. I have nothing that should make me self-harm and I can't figure out why I want to, no matter how hard I think about it. Even my therapist (who is currently out of the country and won't be back for two weeks) hasn't been able to help much. Everyone tells me I should be able to figure out the reason(s) why this is happening and I'm frustrated and scared because I can't.

So yes, I relapsed, and I am scared of it becoming an episode. Even though I was beyond miserable after I did it (I sobbed for at least an hour) I still have the urge to burn more. I thought it was because I wanted pain, but I'm currently recovering from surgery and have enough pain already. I specifically wanted the pain of burning, I guess, but that still doesn't explain why this is happening.

Can anyone help me figure out A) why this is happening and B) how to keep a relapse from becoming an episode. I've been doing SO well, really I have been, and I want to keep it up, despite this setback. I've got so much coming up and I don't want to have to go inpatient again. Besides, I don't know what they'd do for me since I'm not depressed and don't need medication changes. I'd also feel silly for going because I seem to get the same doctor every time I'm there and I imagine she's sick of me by now/I'd be embarrassed to see her for something "preventable" like this.

Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.

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Re: How to keep a relapse from becoming an episode - May 26th 2018, 02:11 AM

I have found, for me, the reason a relapse becomes an episode is because of the self hatred that consumes me after I relapse. I relapsed back in 2015 and it became an episode until August of 2016 and a lot of that had to do with the fact that there were a lot of bad emotions going on and the biggest one was the self hatred that the relapse caused. I know that you are really upset with yourself for burning so it's possible that if you can try and accept that relapse and realize you have nothing to be angry or hate yourself for that it will not become an episode. I can't guarantee that as this is all coming from my own personal experiences with relapses and everyone experiences things differently. Just wanted to share what I know in case it might help.

As for what is causing it, honestly I don't know if anyone but you can answer that. I know you are very self aware but I think that sometimes even the most self aware people struggle to understand why they do or feel things. I'm pretty self aware and there are times when I'll have a self harm urge and I can't figure out why. It might help if you start documenting your days and your moods. There are apps out there that can help with that. I think documenting your moods might help you figure out what triggers any urges.

I am not sure if this helped. I wanted to try and provide you with something in hopes that it might. Know that I am here if you need anything. I don't start working till the 4th of June so until then you can message me whenever. After that you can message me whenever but my responses might be delayed till later at night. Just want you to know I am here, okay?

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