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Bianca_Mae Offline
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Unhappy Pressure - July 29th 2018, 04:00 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So in a week I will be one year clean of self harm... Yay, Right?

No. I feel so much more pressure not to relapse now then when I was still in therapy. I told myself that if I make it to one year clean I could get a tattoo, and well my parents are paying for it and everything.

But the only thing I can think of is how I lose that arm as a canvas to self harm on. Like as happy as I am that I don't hurt myself anymore I still crave it just as much. But now theres a pressure of all those around me that know of my previous issue. My friends and parents will all know if I relapse and then I will get sent back to therapy and have everyone being disappointed in me.

The other thing is that if I do get that tattoo, I would then lose my previous spot to cut, which has been making me think about new places and ways to hurt myself and its just taking its toll on me. Like since my forearm would have that tattoo, I could cut on my wrists or my thighs and once I go off to college in a year, nothing is holding me back, there will be no one there to stop me. and knowing me I won't have enough strength to leave my SH tools at my house.

Like as much as I want to get better, I just know that I want to hut myself just as bad.

I don't know what to do... Help?
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Re: Pressure - July 30th 2018, 04:36 AM

If the tattoo is making you feel like it might cause you to relapse, maybe don't get the tattoo after exactly 1 year. Wait until the tattoo isn't causing you to feel pressure. I feel like these feelings are telling you that you are not ready yet.

I know you feel like you'll disappoint people if you have to go back to therapy, but I would strongly encourage you to go back now and get ahead of this situation so to speak. I don't think anyone would be disappointed (e.g. in the sense that you've failed) if you voice the fact that you are having a hard time. If anything, I feel like it's a good thing because you know yourself well enough that you know you need help and that you don't want to wait until the pressure is so bad that you've already relapsed. Returning to therapy now would provide you with the opportunity to learn how to manage the feelings that make you want to self harm.

I hope this helps.
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Re: Pressure - July 30th 2018, 04:50 AM


So I have been exactly where you are at right now. I hit my one year mark in May. when it got a week away I was so afraid that I was going to end up cutting because I am my own worse enemy but in the end I fought through it and have been over a year cut free.

I did get a tattoo on the day I hit one year and it really helped me but I didn't have the thoughts you have, I had gone through those thoughts before though. I think if the tattoo is scaring you so much and causing you to think about cutting even more than you did before then I would hold off on it. I will also suggest that maybe you could put the tattoo in a different spot, that may ease your worrying.

As for therapy maybe you should go back even if it's just once a month or every three months. It may help. About disappointing your friends and family if you do slip up, most people are aware that during recovery you are going to slip and they understand that. The main thing is if you slip you get right back up and continue recovery. They maybe disappointed but I think they would be more worried than anything.

I hope this helped. If you ever need to talk I am just a PM/VM away.
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We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
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