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CelestislOceans Offline
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Falling Backwards - December 19th 2018, 09:12 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So... I've posted on here before, but here's the general idea of the situation:
I tried to commit suicide about three months ago, but I was unsuccessful. But, instead of taking my own life, I gained the addiction to self-harm. For a long time, I was cutting every single day, and no one knew until I accidentally removed my jacket in theatre calls and everyone saw the cuts and scars.
Since then, I realized my mistake in my actions and I've been seeing the counselor about every week that I'm at school. I also have a large group of friends who know about my problem and are willing to help, along with my parents who know (but we try not to talk about it).
As of December 19th, I am two weeks clean, since I had a relapse just a while back that was quite bad. But, to be honest, the only reason that I have gone so long without cutting is that I have been on a trip with a friend's family and I haven't had any access to razors or scissors or anything to really harm myself with. But we are returning back home on Saturday, December 22nd.
What I'm afraid of is that I am going to relapse again, and this time it will be bad because I have struggled through many tough and hard days during this trip, and it's just been getting worse.
But also, I have grandparents visiting, and they absolutely despise me because I'm the wrong sex, I follow the wrong religion, and I have the wrong sexuality. And I also know that we will get into arguments while they are there, which big arguments can cause me to break and use self-harm as a way to feel better.
So, I just need some advice as to how to survive this holiday season, because I have no access to my counselor who would normally help me through this, and my friends are on vacation as well and I don't want to bother them and make myself a burden in their lives.
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Re: Falling Backwards - December 19th 2018, 09:19 PM

Hi, I think you came to the right place. I think finding time to have for yourself to escape and maybe come on here and chat with others. I think I saw they were having some sort of holiday chat schedule for those members that struggle throughout the holidays on here. Also and I know this really works for me, just going to my room and listening to my music and zoning everything out. Drawing and coloring may also help let you get away in your own quiet space.

Darkness Keeps Chasing Me~ Grace VanderWaal
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Re: Falling Backwards - December 21st 2018, 12:50 AM

Hi! I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling - self harm can become extremely addicting, and it's often a very scary thing to be addicted to. It's understandable that you would be afraid of having a relapse. But I also want to congratulate you on two weeks clean - that's amazing! Even if you feel like you've only been able to stay clean because you haven't had the opportunity to self harm, this has still proven that you can make it two weeks without it, and I think it's really important to realize that you have that kind of strength.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your grandparents. Seeing family around the holidays can really complicate recovery. Are there any ways that you can try to avoid spending time with them, as much as possible? Could you say that you're feeling sick and try to spend some time alone in your bedroom?

You might also think about some things you could do instead of self harming if/when the situation gets bad. Self harm may make you feel better very briefly, but it won't do anything to improve your situation beyond those five minutes. Are there any alternatives that work for you? Could you call (or text!) a hotline? Tell yourself that you're going to wait for thirty minutes, do something distracting with those thirty minutes (like watching comedians on YouTube or something), and then only self harm if you still feel like it? Making the assumption now that you're going to relapse if something goes wrong may turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I'd encourage you to try to think of other things you can try before you turn to self harm.

I also wouldn't hesitate to reach out to your friends! I'm sure they really care about you and would want you to let them know if you're struggling. And again, you can also call or text a hotline and a calm, friendly person will respond and do their best to help you. You don't have to be suicidal to contact a hotline - you could be dealing with self harm urges, or you could just need to vent about what's going on with your family.

I wish you all the best! The holidays can be really rough, but remember that they'll be over soon! I hope everything works out well for you.
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Re: Falling Backwards - December 23rd 2018, 09:13 PM

Hi, first I want to congratulate you on bringing this difficult topic up. When speaking of self harm and suicide those things are extremely tough to deal with. That being said, I have a question for you. When you were meeting with the counselor at school did you ever mention your grandparents to he/she and the problems you have with them? If so, how did they say to handle it? Have you ever mentioned to your parents how your grandparents make you feel? Do they support you? I think the best thing for you while your grandparents are visiting is to spend the least amount of time with them as you can and do things that are productive on your own away from them. If you even need to chat please send me a message.
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backwards, christmas, cutting, falling, family, friends, holidays, relapse, selfharm, suicide

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