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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Noire Offline
When is the future?
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Jordan
Age: 29
Gender: Female

Posts: 5,267
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Choosing recovery - April 23rd 2019, 02:48 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am currently in the hospital recovering from surgery due to a self-inflicted injury. I will be released Saturday, assuming everything is healing well. The psychiatric team here has worked closely with both myself and my outpatient psychiatrist. We have all decided that I do not need an inpatient psychiatric hospitalization following my medical treatment, which means I will be going back to PHP next week.

The injury I caused myself was really bad. When I first got to the ER last Wednesday I was like nope, I need to fix this, I will never do this again. But in the last several days I started to get depressed again. Everyone is mad at me for ending up here, which is fair I guess, but still stressful. Every time I started thinking about all the stress I'm going to have to face when I have to get out of here, all the disappointed people, it made me want to self harm again. But then I had a really good talk with my girlfriend last night and found my resolve to get better again. I realized I am more than my self harm, that I am not the person the negative tapes in my head tell me I am. I am actually pretty cool, and I don't deserve to hurt like that.

I guess my question is, how do I hold on to that? It seems to come and go, which is fine in the hospital, where I'm stuck in bed attached to tubes with nurses checking on me every few minutes, but what about when I'm at home? What about when I can go buy tools to hurt myself with again? How do I hold on to hope and strength? How do I remember I am good and I deserve to LIVE? Not just physically, but to create a life worth living? One free of SH?


Love joins
Love unites
Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


"A Million," by VNV Nation
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Re: Choosing recovery - May 7th 2019, 08:53 PM

Hi Jordan, a couple things.

First, I know you've already been back at the hospital since making this thread. So I will work from your latest visit/procedure.

Second, before I get to that, I want to say I'm so sorry you haven't gotten a response in the past few weeks. That isn't right, and I hope that wasn't a part which led you to relasping. Everyone deserves a response and even when it's become irrelevant or the same situation happened again, a response is still warranted.


So, going off your blogs since this past Friday, things have gotten worse. Do you have anything to do when you're at home, even when you're not physically there but out and about in your city? I suggest looking into recreational activities, classes at a community college, volunteer opportunities with non-profit organizations. These will give you the opportunity to take your mind off those tools hidden around your house and the longer you are out of the house, the longer you will go without self-harming.

You said you spoke to your (then) girlfriend, and I know things have taken a turn for the worse in the past week; but you do say she is still communicating with you and still cares, and I think that is a good thing! I would take a step back and think about why your former girlfriend is still sticking around. You have a long history, and she stayed with you for five years.

You also say someone else in your life is trying to drag you down and make you feel like a POS. I would remove that toxicity from your life, and don't use the excuse 'they are family' when they aren't acting like it. I suggest reaching out to your former partner and see if you can catch up away from that other particular individual. Have a conversation with her, it can be about anything BUT your depression. Choose an activity with her that doesn't involve the things you used to do.

Perhaps your former partner isn't with you anymore, but she can still be a friend. You can use a friend.

And I can be your friend. I haven't given up on you, just like your former partner.

   
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