The paradox of self harm

[Soda_Voxel]

I hate how paradoxical self-harm is. It can make me feel like such a hypocrite. I'm terrified of pain, of damage, yet I also need to hurt myself... the brain really is strange. I tell other people to not do it, and yet I do it myself. I find myself being mad that I don't live home alone and that my family checks in on me so often, because I can't harm myself in the way I want to...but I guess it's a good thing I'm not given this opportunity to put myself in danger.

Last night I had a particularly bad mental breakdown and was hurting myself while laying in bed to sleep. Even though it hurt a lot and it was very uncomfortable, it did not hurt in the 'way' I wanted it to. It didn't satisfy the urge. When I was a child and I was upset, be it with myself or others, it felt easier to let things out: I would have tantrums, run away, scream and throw things. Now I know I need to be more responsible...so I take all these things and put them 'inwards'.

When I first self harmed using one particular method, at first I felt unbelievable anxiety and regret. I couldn't believe I had done it, I wish I'd gone back in time to stop myself. But then it was astounding how fast I got over that. In a mere two days or so I'd gotten over the regret, found myself accepting I'd done it, running my fingers over where I'd hurt myself and even wishing to do it again. And these days I occasionally wish that I'd never told my mother I hurt myself. It crushed me to see the sadness in her eyes.

Self-harm is such a strange thing to go through. I have been to therapy and I have countless tools I can use to better myself and my health. But sadness and pain is familiar, and comforting...

[Ennui.]

Honestly, I agree with a lot of what you have said here. I tell other people not to self harm all the time and then do it myself too, and I'm also around my parents for a good chunk of the day so I always have someone checking in on me making sure I am not self destructing. I also put things "inwards" instead of expressing them outwardly, although I still do cry at almost everything. And you're right that there is comfort in the sadness and pain because it is so familiar. That's what keeps me coming back to it too.

We can learn all of the tools in the world to better ourselves, but we have to be ready to use them. Do you think you also don't feel ready to use the tools you've learned in therapy? I think that's what holds me back, I don't feel ready or motivated to use what I've been taught.

[Butterscotch.]

Hi Soda, thanks for sharing this! Unfortunately, this is true for a lot of us. We tell others not to do the very thing we do ourselves. I understand having to find a quieter, subtle way to let out your emotions. You can't throw a tantrum at 19, people would call the police or you'd get sectioned; so the only alternate in letting out that pent-up energy is by self-harming.

Are there any gyms nearby that you can take up classes to let out this anguish? I would suggest looking into that, and with New Year's so close and all those ridiculous discounts popping up, I would take advantage! See what classes they offer, such as kickboxing or boxing that requires the use of your limbs. Or, alternatively, I would suggest signing up for a sports league in your town, ask people you might have connections with if they can get you in. For me, soccer is a great way to let out that energy although they're not the limbs I want to be using — ie, in the context of self harm — but they still exert energy.

Also, you are great with words! I remember you used to write in the Self-Expression form. Although it might be considered a 'passive' activity, I would suggest taking the time when you can and write. Just write what's on your mind and you certainly don't have to share them with us. Keep them for your eyes only. If you feel comfortable, then go ahead and pick a piece to share with us whether that's in Self-Expression or your user blog.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you continue to take care of yourself. All the good thoughts and vibes your way.