Triggering (SH): I relapsed.

[PlutoTheOpposum]

I was doing so good. I had A MONTH. A month where my thoughts were actually good. I thought I was getting better but oh, NO. No, I'm back to my same old self. I was clean for a MONTH and a half. But I relapsed too days ago. Hell, I just did it again a few minutes ago. My sister probably knows about it now, too. She came into my room while i was gone and I can't find the tissues anymore (I forgot to throw them away.)
I'm never going to get better, am I.
I'm such a faker. I want to know what's wrong with me but I'm just attention seeking, right?
Ahh. I can't let go of my tool. I still have it. I tried putting it in a hard to access place, but I doubt that'll work. I spent an hour trying to edited. And I was still in that mindset the entire time.

Any advice is appreciated. No, I won't tell my family. And I've hardly been able to talk to my therapist, so that's outta the picture too.

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I know it's tough, but you made it over a month! That's still excellent and something to be proud of. I know it doesn't feel like a long time, but any amount of time without self harm is great and should be considered an accomplishment, especially when you're struggling like that. You also did a great thing by trying to put your self harm tool in a hard to access place, even though it didn't work out. That shows that you're truly trying and putting the effort in. The thing with relapses though is that they're not permanent. They're a temporary blip, but they don't have to be forever. If you made it over a month, you can definitely make it longer, and eventually longer still! I'm not saying that it's easy by any means, don't get me wrong. It's something that takes time.

I don't think you're attention seeking or a faker. It's a way of coping, even though it's not a healthy method. And you're keeping it a secret, so it's hard to do it for attention when you're not telling anybody. Even if you did talk to people about it, though, there's a difference between talking about it for attention and talking about it to get support. You don't strike me as the type of person to actually be doing this for attention.

May I ask why you've hardly been able to talk to your therapist? Is it because you've not been able to make an appointment, or do you mean that you don't feel like you're verbally able to talk to them? If it's the latter, maybe you can write things out in the form of a letter or email you give to them, so that way nerves and interruptions don't get in the way. If it's the former, I'm sorry to hear that! Is there any way to get more sessions soon?

I mainly wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. I know you can get through this. You're putting in the effort, and that effort will pay off.

I don’t really know what to say, I’m not eloquent but I wanted you to know a random stranger believes in you. I’m proud of you for doing so much on the path of recovery, as it is a very rocky and steep path. Don’t feel guilty over your relapse as feeling bad and hopeless won’t help. Surround yourself with positive things (is this corny ???). The YouTuber Of Herbs And Altars struggled with several addictions and did self harm but are now recovered and they have advice on their channel.
PS : my post isn’t as impressive as Ennui’s but I wanted you to know that several people agree that you should be proud of yourself
Hope this helped and have a great day/night

[Cherrylicious]

It sounds like you do well mentally when you’re not in a relapse; and while you can’t get that clean mindset back right away, you can hold yourself accountable for getting back on the right track. I recommend journaling about where you’re at in regards to relapse or recovery after you SH: you can even write about harm reduction and recovery achievements.