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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TheBabyEater Offline
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Name: Marissa
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Lately... I don't know I've had these urges to be 'free' - January 15th 2009, 03:38 PM

By free I mean, a small part of me wants to stop hiding the fact that I cut myself. I hate myself for feeling like this, and I'll explain that later, but first why.
I'm getting tired of hiding who I am. I've always been one too do what I want and wear what I want to wear. I'm diffrent, I'm even diffrent than that group at school that thinks their diffrent, but reality is they're all the same as the next different person. I don't know. Hard to explain.
I'm tired to worrying about 'Oh my god what if -blahblahblah- happens and everyone finds out' and all that crap that comes along with cutting or SH at all.
And I've got some new friends here, finally, that still don't want to trust me with things that they tell the others. I'm left out in conversations that I cant be told a thing about because they don't trust me. We've been friends since for like, 4 or 5 months! I want them to know they can trust me, but it's unfair to make them trust me when I won't trust them. Eck, hard to explain.

But... This isn't something that I would normally love to expose for a variety of reasons. Not because I actually give a shit about what people think of me, if they hate me for a crappy reason then I obviously dont want to be their friend anyway. But because I know the taunting and harassing that comes with having that stuff exposed. I've seen it happen, it's happened to me when for whatever reason people thought it did so back when I actually didn't. It's annoying and I can't do a thing about it.
But mostly because I don't want attention, I don't want their 'help' and I don't want to be forever stereotyped as 'an emo cutter freak' any more than I already am. They'll think I do it to be cool and for attention. And perhaps I'm being a bit hypocritical here by not wanting them to think that about me but. God it's to hard to explain my head right now.

I don't know. I honestly doubt I'll come clean to the world about it, it's something I'd never do. But I still almost want to cause I feel like I'm lying about it. IDK. Anyone else ever feel this? Or am I totally wrong for even thinking of wanting to come clean?

Take me seriously.
I dare you.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Starlett Offline
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Re: Lately... I don't know I've had these urges to be 'free' - January 15th 2009, 07:21 PM

Hi Marissa,

You began by saying that you are getting tired of hiding who you are. You describe yourself as somebody who is unique and doesn't follow the crowd. You wear whatever you like to wear, you do what you want to do and you don't get influenced by others. I think it's good that you have been able to do this, and I suppose I was just thinking that this suggests you aren't completely hiding who you are.

Yes self harm is a part of who you are, and at the moment it is a part of you that you are keeping hidden. But you need to remember that it is not all you are. There are many other parts to you, I'm sure.

I hear that you aren't too bothered about what others think of you but at the same time, you don't want to be labelled or for people to think that you doing this for attention. I know I've felt like that when wanting to speak to a friend about my cutting. I felt like I would be seen differently and as a certain 'type' of person. I was still me, I am still me, yes it is a part of us, but it doesn't make us who we are. You aren't wishing to tell people so you can reach out and get help so I'm finding it hard to understand why you feel like telling people. Is it because it has got to the stage where you are fed up of lying about it and just want people to know?

I don't think there is anything wrong with coming clean, but I hope it is something you will think about a lot beforehand. As you have mentioned, people have different reactions and if this is something you think you can deal with for real then it is your choice to tell people. If you aren't sure of everyone knowing, what about just telling a few people and seeing how that goes? If you feel that you will be able to explain yourself and ignore any negative comments then I wouldn't advise against telling people. It is your decision but I would like to think that you will be prepared for different reactions. There will be people who want to help, it's human nature, there will be people who are mean, again it's human nature. But this is your life so it is up to you if you want people to know or not.

If you want to talk about this in more detail, you can get in touch with me. I hope whatever decision you make, you are happy with it.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Fear Offline
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Re: Lately... I don't know I've had these urges to be 'free' - January 15th 2009, 07:57 PM

Marissa -
I get exactly where you're coming from. I had hide my self harm for years, but the whole time I did, I WANTED someone to find out.. I felt like I was hiding myself.. lying. And I didn't like it. In the end, I took a chance and told someone. If you want to come clean, then I think you should, but pick someone you know you can trust and make sure you explain self harm to them. Explain that it's an addiction and it's a hard thing to stop doing. We used to have a Self Harm Information sticky, but it seems no one reposted one... You could definitely find information about the addiction, print it out, and give it to the person you tell. It'll probably help them better understand where you're coming from.
And if you do decide to tell someone, if they get emotional or angry in the beginning, you need to remember that it's a lot to take it.. That might be their first reaction to it, but they might just need time to let it sink in.
However, if you don't, it's understandable by all means. It's a scary thing to do and you always tend to freak about how others will react.

I hope you think about it.
If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.
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