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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 16th 2009, 04:54 PM

So basically... my boyfriend found out about my cutting. He was suspicious when I wouldn't show him my arm...and when I insisted on keeping the lights off if we were undressing.

I knew he would find out someday, but I'd been trying to leave it as long as I could ~ the messed-up side of my brain isn't exactly one I wanted him to see. (We've been officially boyfriend/girlfriend for about four months, and together for about six.) He didn't even know that I'd been in therapy. But he was really great about it ~ better than I could have ever imagined he'd be. Telling him used to be completely out of the question, but now that he knows I don't really mind after all. I'm so glad things worked out...

Would any of you ever consider discussing your SH with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Or do they know already? And what were their reactions like?

(Mods may mark if found to be triggering.)

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 16th 2009, 05:45 PM

Before I get into a relationship with someone, I've been insistent that we sit down and talk. I basically tell them everything, everything they want to know. I'm still not completely mentally stable and I can't justify being in a relationship with someone who hasn't already been told about my past. I don't want their to be any questions later, I don't want those awkward situations. I don't like hiding anything either. So right now, both of the guys that I am interested know. It's not something that we regularly discuss. Neither of them are comfortable with it.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:31 AM

My policy for dating is that whomever I date has to know what they're getting into. It's not so much a huge issue now, because
1. I'm doing well with quitting
2. The guy I'm with has known about this for about two years

But, you really want to be careful with it.

I had a boyfriend, Ryan. He was the one who introduced me to this site, he was known as HoldingOnToHope. (Amanda - udontno - might remember this.) My self-injury put a lot of strain on our relationship, and was probably one of the reasons that led to our breakup.

Usually, when I'm in a relationship, I WILL try to stop self-injury. Whether it's a good reason or not, I feel like the person I'm with doesn't deserve to deal with my horrible self-image and such.

Just be careful, and make sure the person you're with is VERY understanding and patient.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:41 AM

I'd tell my boyfriend (I told my ex, anyway).
It seems to be a part of me, and i'm not completely stable to know that i'll not have to call him and tell him that i'm not feeling great. I don't know, I seem to have a depressive personality and so they'd probably guess anyway, to be honest (my depression in general). People tend to realise that there's something wrong with me, and if they didn't then i'd still probably tell them if they questioned it. It's not something that i'm just generally going to throw into the conversation though. If the subject comes up, then I wont deny it basically. I'd say that I wouldn't go out with someone who doesn't "understand" as such, and if they were one of those who thought it was "ridiculous/stupid/attention seeking" etc then i'd imagine that would probably lead to a break-up.

Saying that though, all of my friends knew I "used to" cut, they have absolutely no idea that i've done it recently and I have no intention to tell them. So yeah...
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BECCALICIOUS! View Post
My policy for dating is that whomever I date has to know what they're getting into. It's not so much a huge issue now, because
1. I'm doing well with quitting
2. The guy I'm with has known about this for about two years

But, you really want to be careful with it.

I had a boyfriend, Ryan. He was the one who introduced me to this site, he was known as HoldingOnToHope. (Amanda - udontno - might remember this.) My self-injury put a lot of strain on our relationship, and was probably one of the reasons that led to our breakup.

Usually, when I'm in a relationship, I WILL try to stop self-injury. Whether it's a good reason or not, I feel like the person I'm with doesn't deserve to deal with my horrible self-image and such.

Just be careful, and make sure the person you're with is VERY understanding and patient.
I do remember Ryan--I was very involved in following his/your story.

I will agree that continuing to SH while you are in a relationship will put a lot of strain on it. That's probably one of the main reasons I haven't dated really. I don't feel like anyone deserves to have to deal with me. I'm not the same person when I have an urge. It's sad, because I find myself pushing people away even now when I'm doing so much better. It would be so easy to be with someone who has known me forever. I've known most of my friends since kindergarten, but now I'm starting to meet new guys who don't know me and that means I have to make decisions--like how much to tell and how much not to tell.

In the end, I think you are better off trying to stop SHing before becoming involved in a serious relationship. However, I know that is not always possible and that there will be partners out there who can be supportive of you and your issues.


--A
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:49 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by udontno View Post
I will agree that continuing to SH while you are in a relationship will put a lot of strain on it. That's probably one of the main reasons I haven't dated really. I don't feel like anyone deserves to have to deal with me. I'm not the same person when I have an urge. It's sad, because I find myself pushing people away even now when I'm doing so much better.
That's the same as my opinion upon the matter (and myself) and why I tried to resist my last relationship/ended it before I started to become a burden/hurt him. I realise that it's not the same for everyone of course. I just personally don't desire a relationship when i'm in this stage of my life, I just feel like i'm putting my faults upon another person, and I would hate to hurt them by doing so. To be honest, I really just generally don't feel like having a commitment or any desire to have a relationship when i'm feeling this way.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:57 AM

well for differnt reasons really, i cant b in a realationship.
with my past, is a total mess.
and i cant trust anyone, friends or boyfriend.
its something with me, caused by other to start with.
but i cant get past it.
its impossible.

to b honest i no people do. but while still self harming i dont no how a realtionship works, especially if the other never has/never will or something like that.
im not critising anyone who is in a relationship.
its just i dont get it

oh and also, ive never ever been out wit ha guy, never been somones girlfriend, and never gone all the way

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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 10:58 AM

I've been really good with quitting, the last time I relapsed was a little less than I year ago, so I initially didn't tell my boyfriend about it, but then I slipped and told a long time ago and he was pretty angry that I hadn't told him earlier but.. I think he was okay with it.

Self harm is a part of me.. I mean it's something I fight the urge to do more often than I'd like, and I think that any person who is intimate with you deserves to know what you're going through. Plus, it'll cut down on the insensitivity people who suffer from SH are often exposed to.


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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 12:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephanie View Post
That's the same as my opinion upon the matter (and myself) and why I tried to resist my last relationship/ended it before I started to become a burden/hurt him. I realise that it's not the same for everyone of course. I just personally don't desire a relationship when i'm in this stage of my life, I just feel like i'm putting my faults upon another person, and I would hate to hurt them by doing so. To be honest, I really just generally don't feel like having a commitment or any desire to have a relationship when i'm feeling this way.
Exactly. For instance, I feel that I can't love someone until I love myself. I obviously don't love myself if I'm still cutting.


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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 03:16 PM

Last year I told my ex and he completely flipped a nut. He freaked out and said he was going to tell my mom and send me to a hospital and everything like that. It was very unpleasant. Relationships for me are few and far between so I never really worry about having to tell a boyfriend because I never have one. I don't think I would when I get a boyfriend. I'll deal with it and if it lasts long enough I might tell him.




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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 03:24 PM

Well, I was good friends with my boyfriend before we actually were together so he knew all about my problem with self harm and I knew about his.
I think it's hard to discuss it if you've just started a relationship with someone as you worry they might not like you if they know and you'd rather let them get to know you first and you may also worry about them telling people if you haven't been together for long.
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 08:33 PM

I was in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost a year before I confided in him about self-harm specifically. He knew I struggled with depression, though, and was already suspicious before I out-right told him.



Long story short, he's amazing in every way, and telling him about my self-harm relieved a LOT of stress. He's very understanding and helpful, and I'm grateful every day. <3


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 17th 2009, 08:52 PM

Ugh! SH + dating = big problems for me.
This guy and I like each other, but when he found out I cut, he kinda flipped out on me and told me I had to stop or he would walk right out of my life, and not talk to me again till I stopped. When I told him I couldnt promise to stop right then and there, he told me he was gunna stop caring about me...that was monday night...havent heard from him since...*shrugs* You can either understand that SH has been a big part of my life for a long time, and its going to take time for me to stop and that I will need help, or get gone.


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  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 02:31 PM

Thanks for replying, guys. It's really good to hear other people's stories. (:
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 02:44 PM

I've never had a gf before... , and probably not soon either, im way to shy arround girls irl.

But i dont know what i'd do.. I think I would be the same.. like hide it as long as I can untill she would find out :$ I wouldn't have the courage to tell right away :$


But im glad you were able to talk it through <3
Its nice to know you have someone supporting you

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  (#16 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 02:47 PM

My ex boyfriend knew and I am trying to remember now if he found out before or after we got together (because like you we were 'together' a long time before we officially got together).

But anyway what happened was we were sitting on my bed just mucking around talking, play fighting all that sort of thing and he just said "Jess, what are those scars on your arm?" Que massive panic, but I just fobbed it off and said it was nothing and carried on talking about whatever we were before. Then later that night or a few nights later or something we were on the phone and he asked me straight out if it was sh because he had an ex girlfriend who used to self harm. I told him it was and he was really nice and understanding about it. He told me that it he was fine about it as long as I never lied to him about it.

For me I could never tell someone before we started getting together, I'd need the trust there, the trust you get from being with someone for a while, I would need to know they do care about me not that their just getting with me for something else. When I am sure that's the case I may say something, I mean unless it's still something significant in my life I wouldn't unless I was asked. That's just me I guess though
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 03:13 PM

Matt and I both used to SH. We helped each other through it and now we're doing pretty well. I have silp-ups every now and then, but he always helps me though it and is there for me.


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 05:19 PM

Oh, wow, that brings back some memories for me! My first boyfriend was pretty much the reason I stopped cutting... I remember I'd told him about it, but I never told him when I did, I didn't want to disappoint him or anything... and then one time he found the cuts when we were making out, and wow that was possibly one of the worst moments in my life. But yeah, then we broke up and I took it up again, but I stopped with my last boyfriend... He never really understood it, we didn't talk about it much 'cause he really didn't understand it, thought it was pretty stupid etc. But that's not why I stopped, I did cos he made me happy... But yeah, it made things complicated.


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 05:50 PM

My boyfriend also used to SH, so, he kinda knew before I told him...and the few times I've SH'ed since we've been together, he's been really helpful and understanding.
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 07:03 PM

He knew before we got into the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' state and were just in the crush state. He was understanding enough, I guess, but I wish he had been a little more. However, he hasn't asked me out since he found out (we'd gone out before) so I'm not sure if my 'issues' affected his opinion of me or not, but I think it did. I strongly encourage those who SH to tell their significant other though, because yours are probably a bit nicer than mine ^ ^


I either feel like no one cares, and that I should be breaking things, and that everything is falling apart, or that everything is great, and I can do anything, and I really do have friends.

I'm stuck halfway in between.
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 07:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused1isin View Post
Ugh! SH + dating = big problems for me.
This guy and I like each other, but when he found out I cut, he kinda flipped out on me and told me I had to stop or he would walk right out of my life, and not talk to me again till I stopped. When I told him I couldnt promise to stop right then and there, he told me he was gunna stop caring about me...that was monday night...havent heard from him since...*shrugs* You can either understand that SH has been a big part of my life for a long time, and its going to take time for me to stop and that I will need help, or get gone.
Ugh, Kelly I hate that. I've had two guys find out about it and they both refused to date me because of that. They just couldn't handle it. I think it is sad because both of them would have been good for me at that point in time. Now I'm glad I didn't date either of them, because if they can't handle that then they obviously can't handle the whole package here I reckon.


--A
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 18th 2009, 07:52 PM

I'm so sorry some of you have had such horrible experiences with this. Still, I would advise anyone to confide this in their S/O...if it doesn't go well, then that person isn't worth your time. If it does go well...it could do wonders.

Slowly over two years, I have confided everything in my boyfriend...and he's been SO active in my recovery, it's rediculous. He's even done things such as making up excuses when I draw a blank, gotten me body butter to help scars heal, given me cover-up ideas, etc. He tries to keep me from cutting in the first place, of course...but when I do, he makes sure to help recover the damage, too.

It is not my intention to brag, but every one of you should know that there are people like this out there, because you deserve to be treated the same way, and if possible, better.


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 19th 2009, 01:33 AM

My ex-boyfriend found out before we started going out, I wouldn't have told him at all, and we had a pretty rocky relationship. I never told him when I'd been sh, but he usually guessed and he was pretty bad at mocking/threatening me...bad relationship. I dumped him two months after we started going out, I was tired of being told that I needed to be locked away.


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 21st 2009, 08:33 PM

My boyfriend knows everything about me.
Even before we were going out, cause I just trusted him so much.
He is brilliant about it , he helps me stay focused and makes me feel better when I feel down.
I don't know how I would have hid it from him if he didn't know.


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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 25th 2009, 09:29 PM

My old girlfriend seriously didn't give a shit. She asked what happened to my arm once, and I told her, and she just wondered what I had used to produce such a scar. The most concern she ever showed was at the end of "us", she once said something about my arm (I was wearing an arm-sock thingy to cover up) and said "I know there are things that you don't even tell me".
My last boyfriend never found out. I wasn't serious with him, he was a fucking creep, I didn't have any reason to tell him.
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 27th 2009, 12:56 AM

Oh, wow! Does this bring back some memories! I used to be a chronic self-injurer...my boyfriend was well aware of it, however, he was lucky in that he met me meanwhile I was in the recovery process. I was extremely open with him about it, even prior to us even entertaining the idea of dating or becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. He was [and still is] my source of motivation for quitting. I didn't want to disappoint him, and at the time, I had no other reason or desire to stop...but I knew that if I wanted to uphold my image in his eyes, I had to be a little more conclusive about my decision to quit [when he met me, I was cutting on and off--there was even one incidence during which he came to pick me up at my house at 3 o'clock in the morning after an episode...he consoled me, held me, and made me feel safe, despite the blood all over my arm and clothes]. He never judged me, but merely encouraged me to quit and get my life back on track...he even went with me to throw away all of my left over razors that I'd collected. Now, it's been almost year since I've cut, and almost two years since I decided to start trying to break the habit...I couldn't be more proud of myself :] I owe so much to my wonderful boyfriend...he was so incredibly loving and supportive throughout...and still is with everything else :] Sometimes, an amazing, encouraging, and all-around loving significant other can serve as the reason, them self, for you to quit :] I must say, I haven't been this happy in so long
   
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Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - January 27th 2009, 08:29 AM

SH has totally destroyed all of my relationships.
All of them have known before we got together and were okay with it at first (well, when I mean okay, they accepted that I did it and thought they could make me happy so that I wouldn't do it anymore)

My first boyfriend tried to understand so much that HE started to cut himself and I just couldn't cope with me doing that to him...
My second boyfriend accepted that I did it as well, tho I did cut down A LOT when I was with him. But I was more in love with SH than I was with him.

That's my problem, I've always loved SH more that I've loved anything else, SH always comes first. I'd do anything to protect it.

Thankfully I've decided to end the relationship with SH, it's hard. But it's not doing me any good. I need to walk away and get on with my life.
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Chrissy2008 Offline
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Name: Christina
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Tennessee

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Join Date: February 4th 2009

Re: Signifigant Others and Self Harm.. - February 4th 2009, 07:44 PM

My fiance found out years before we were together. When I told him I was actively cutting, he would do everything he could to help distract me. When I did attempt to cut (and I would usually go crazy on him) he would physically restrain me until I had calmed down and he could talk to me. He's been really good about all this and he still wants to marry me regardless of all this. He's a great man.
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