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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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the rule - June 23rd 2009, 12:46 PM

My boyfriend and I both sh and are trying to stop. He came up with this rule I HATE in which if one of us self harms then that person must do the same thing to the other person. Luckily I have not sh since this rule was introduced, however he has 3 times and I have let him off. He says if I sh I will have to do it to him. My problem is he has sh again and I don't know what to do. If I make him do it to me he will hate himself but if I don't he is afraid his sh will get worse. I don't like this rule but he says it has stopped him in the past, so what do I do? Thank you for your time and any help.
   
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Re: the rule - June 23rd 2009, 01:12 PM

Hey there!

Am I understanding this right, if you self-harm, you then have to do whatever you did to yourself to you?

In my opinion, I understand that yes one will hate doing it to another person but I don't think that it is a good rule to have. And i think it's proven by the fact he's cut like 3 times since this rule was introduced which HE made and HE said would help him.

I think that if you want to work on this together you just have to offer support to each other and try your best to be there for each other.

I always find it harder stopping with another person who self-harms, because you always get triggered more easily and sometimes it can even go to the extreme where one is doing well but the other cuts, so the first one then feels they have to cut because the other did. I don't know if that makes a lot of sense and I'm sorry if it doesn't.

I think my advice out of this is talk to him about how you feel, talk to him about the rule, and just try and offer support for each other.

Take care, xo



   
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Re: the rule - June 24th 2009, 06:36 PM

Hi Vicky

It may sound like a good idea for you, but I dont really think it is...SH is an addiction and shouldnt be toyed with.

If one cuts then it shouldnt mean the other one does....thats negative reinforcement.

If one cuts then the other should offer support, not 'let them off'

If he says he has been helped by this rule before & it made him stop, then tell him, its not the rule....its deep within...the rule is just a cover up....but you both can do it together, just differently.

Maybe instead of this 'I cut, you cut' Type relationship, try 'I didnt cut, you didnt cut'

And then suprise each other with a nice present.

Anyway...I hope you both manage to stay strong & stop SH'ing

Good luck

Jamie
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Re: the rule - June 24th 2009, 08:14 PM

Hey Vicky,

I agree with what has already been said. It isn't a good idea and only puts more pressure on you both not to self harm. It is an addiction and isn't just as simple as just stopping. It will take time and I think that it is pretty impossible to give up self harm before you have dealt with the reasons why you do it.

I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk to each other about the rule and perhaps come up with a better idea. It is much better for both of you just to support each other with it. Perhaps your boyfriend needs to get some extra support if he isn't able to stop self harming. It might be something to think about.

You can stop self harming. So keep going :-)
   
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