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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Furubasu Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Just a lonely girl... - January 16th 2009, 09:15 PM

Yeah. This is me. I just kind of have a few questions and stuff and so I guess I need to fully tell my story to get them answered. I'm 13, I had depression in 6th grade. It drove me insane. I was mean to everyone and hated life. I would fantasize about how the world would react if someone I knew died and constantly wondered why I was here. In 7th grade it all got better. The depression went away. I became a happy and carefree person again... me. In 8th grade it all came crashing back, and reality struck me again. I was cutting myself and I needed to to get back to my "High", the feeling of myself. I stopped though, and now all I seem to be able to do is bounce back between myself and the depressed me. I'm not even sure which one I am anymore. I think I'm tempting myself too much. Does anyone else think so? Even though I haven't cut since October (I'm still in 8th grade) I put a razor in my backpack this morning. I'm ASB co-president. I know this is strongly against the rules and if I'm caught with it I get suspended and can't go on my 8th grade trip. Also, in the car I noticed my brother's friend (in his freakishly short running shorts) had some very straight cut lines high up on his leg, which with normal pants or shorts would have been covered. It's driving me insane because now I think he might be a cutter too and my brother swears he hates "emo" kids. Yeah, we're like best friends and he's saying he hates me without even knowing it. I still find ways to hurt myself though, like beating myself in the head with a hairbrush or stabbing myself with a pencil. Is there any help I can get?


If you want to know, I was cutting myself because since 8th grade started my family has been always fighting and all I can do is sit in my room, listen, and cry.


I either feel like no one cares, and that I should be breaking things, and that everything is falling apart, or that everything is great, and I can do anything, and I really do have friends.

I'm stuck halfway in between.
   
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Re: Just a lonely girl... - January 17th 2009, 12:52 AM

i kno how u feel im right there with u...idk who i am anymore...i think bck to the begining of 7th grade...that "happy, care-free, fun, semi-preppy, inoccent, little girl" and now i look at me as an 8th grader that a "scarred, painfilled, armband wearing, black loving, fightened, regretful, strong on the outside, weak everywhere else, girl" i wish i could stop all this....but i cant....
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just a lonely girl... - January 17th 2009, 09:42 AM

Jessica, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Let them know that you are having a hard time handling things. Tell them how you are feeling. You honestly don't have to deal with this anymore. You can talk to someone about this and get help. You don't have to struggle on your own. Please let someone into your world who can help you.

I really think that talking to your brother's friend could help you. Some people won't be willing to talk about their self harm though. All you can do is ask him about it and maybe he will tell you something that could help you.

Your brother is confusing the word emo with the word cutters. They are NOT synonyms. You, however, can do nothing but try to explain to him the difference when he brings it up again. I really think that talking to him about it and letting him know that you hate the "e" word could really help you, especially if he stops using emo.

Jessica, please take the razor out of your backpack. School needs to be one of your safe places, where you don't have to worry about cutting. Having a razor in your backpack can only cause trouble. I'm not asking you to throw it away (that would be nice) because chances are you aren't ready for that yet. Just take it out of your backpack and put it somewhere else.


--A
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just a lonely girl... - January 17th 2009, 11:21 AM

jessica, it sounds like you're going through some tough times.

However, no matter what happens.. i have a belief that everything will eventually get better so far it has never let me down, and i dont think it ever will.

Firstly , you'll have to talk to your family about this ( i know you're afraid it might spark off a fight but a TRUE heart-to-heart talk between family, can never end in a bad thing ) to settle the problem. I believe that in every family, deep deep down is a loving bond that keeps everyone close together in some way.. no matter what happens, family will always be family. Always remember that

Besides that, you have to tell someone you know ( your friends for example ) that you're going through some pretty tough times. You dont have to tell them exactly what happened.. you can just tell them "I'm having a bad week " because in reality.. thats true in some way. However, i'm confident in a few things.

You're not alone because you've us to back you up and support you. And always remember that everything will get better... definitely. In case you feel down, just beep us and we'll support you


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Just a lonely girl... - January 17th 2009, 02:02 PM

Alright, thank you guys! Three of my friends know I used to cut myself but I don't like bringing it up or mentioning when I'm upset because all it does is seriously scare them. darrenboy, I know you think I should talk to my family but I'm honestly just too afraid to, even if it won't result in a fight. While my family may love each other, it's not a close one. I didn't even bother covering up my cuts usually and my mom didn't care. She used to freak out every time she saw even a little scrape on me and demand I bandaged it.

Amanda, I'd talk to my brother's friend but we're three grades apart so it might be kind of awkward and I don't see him too much. My brother tends to avoid having friends over and usually goes to their houses, like I do. As much as I'd tell my brother how much I hate him using the "e" word, I can't bring it up in casual conversation as he only mentions it when he sees someone dressed in the punk style walking down the street or something, and my mom is always in the car with us as my brother is still on his permit. I will take the razor out of my backpack, but I won't throw it away because I still need to use it to shave and it's brand new... hahaha. But you're right, school's always been one of my safe places and I shouldn't try to change it.

Thank you guys! Bri, I can always talk to you if you would like.


I either feel like no one cares, and that I should be breaking things, and that everything is falling apart, or that everything is great, and I can do anything, and I really do have friends.

I'm stuck halfway in between.
   
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