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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Andi Offline
Unfortunate Cutter
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Name: Andi Hawkins
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Georgia

Posts: 3
Join Date: August 18th 2009

A long-term problem... - August 18th 2009, 10:53 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My name is Andi Hawkins - I haven't cut myself since June 8th, until Sunday morning.

I've been cutting since the sixth grade, at first in just the same spot, only deep enough to bleed for a while, then I would wait for that to heal up before cutting again. That would last for maybe two months - I thought I had it under control. In seventh grade I had gotten really mad, and I sat in a corner in my science class where no one could see me without me seeing them, so I snapped a pen cap's little metal thing off and cut myself. A lot. I cut on the top part of my wrists so no one would suspect me of cutting - and for three years no one has. I told them it was my cat!

I told two good friends that I had cut myself - the only thing they've done is try and tell me "you're sick, emo!" and "You really need to stop. Now."

Then I told my boyfriend [now ex] and he said he used to do the same thing - don't do it, its not worth it. I've asked him for his pocket knife on several occaisions, just so I could run off and cut. Both he and one other friend have kept me from doing so for so long - until I found my scissors.

Yes, my parents don't know [I'm 13, nearly 14, and would like to see my 16th birthday] and yea, they fight a lot, but that's not my problem, I guess.

The last time [not counting last Wednesday [[I went from June 8th to like... August 11th w/o]] I cut myself was Sunday evening, at church, in the bathroom. I used a pair of second-gade scissors and kept them in my back pocket. I'm not gonna lie - I did it cause I felt like a trainwreck, and the more I thought about it, the worse off I became. I had cut before Sunday school, then excused myself in the middle of it to go cut again, and then I did so again after service. That evening, my ex told me to give him the scissors, 'cause he needed to cut somethine off his shirt. I gave them to him, he cut the thing off, and then pocketed the scissors. I haven't gotten them back, either.

O God I was mad at him. Today I found another pair, and also cut myself. Now I have roughly 35 cuts on the top of my left wrist, and I feel horrible for making him so mad.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Casey. Offline
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Name: Casey
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Somewhere in my mind

Posts: 2,343
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Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: A long-term problem... - August 19th 2009, 02:24 AM

Hey Andi,

Firstly, welcome to TH! I'm glad you decided to join us here.

Your Ex was doing what he thought was best, taking your scissors away. He clearly cares about you, and doesn't want to see you hurting yourself. Sometimes friends don't really understand Self Harm, especially at your age. My friends had a hard time grasping it, and I know the feeling of hating to be called 'emo'. It's not very pleasant, is it?

You said your parents don't know, well have you thought about talking to them about it? I know talking to your parents is probably not something you want to do, but sometimes we have to reach out to our parents, otherwise they won't realise we need help.

If not your parents, could you talk to another adult, one you trust? A friend's parent, a teacher, or your school counselor? Talking to your school counselor would be a good idea, any way. They can help you get help, or even just talk to you themselves.

You know, must people know that the cuts weren't from a cat, they just accept what you say, because it's easier. I told someone a cat did it before too, and although she didn't really believe me, she let it go, because confronting me about it would have just be too hard, for both of us.

Self Harm is a very hard thing to stop, but you can stop it. Take a look at the Alternatives Thread, there's something there for everyone. If you get an urge to hurt yourself, just try an alternative. Keep trying them until you find a couple that work well for you.

If you need anything, or want to chat, just pm me, alright? Stay strong

She whispered to her own reflection "I will be strong."

"I am not what has happened to me.I am what I have chosen to become."- Carl Jung

"If ye harm none, do as ye wish."

Sometimes things just happen.

Smile through the tears.

PM me

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
strong-but-weak Offline
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Name: Leah
Gender: Female

Posts: 31
Join Date: August 18th 2009

Re: A long-term problem... - August 19th 2009, 10:04 PM

Hey Andi;

I suggest that you try to let your friends help you. Though they are not right to call you 'emo', they are right to want you to stop.

Your ex-boyfriend was right to take the scissors with him. He's protecting you from yourself. He's doing something to save you. When you think about it like that, is it so easy to be mad at him? Isn't it hard to be mad at someone that is trying to save you?

I cut myself for several years. I know how it feels to know that you're going out of control. I know how that feeling that it caused by the cutting only agrivates the issue. I'm sorry that you need to feel that. No one deserves that.

If your friends are calling you emo and sick, they aren't the best friends. Cutting is a method of self preservation to an extent. It keeps you from commiting suicide, doesn't it? It give the illusion of helping you cope. Until someone insults you for it.

You need to surround yourself with people that will help you to get better instead of people that will hurt you and make you worse. God in your life helps too. Believe me, God is a big part of being able to cope with quitting. He is one of your biggest tools because you can talk to Him and He will listen without hurting you again. You can ask Him to forgive you for hurting yourself and He will. You can ask Him for guidance and maybe you'll find the way.

There are other ways to get the same feeling you get from cutting yourself. Go for a run instead if you can. You burn off that angry energy, and you release endorphine which cause a feeling of happiness. If you can get your hands on some ice, squeeze that in your hand. It hurts, but it doesn't cause any long term damage unless you do it for too long.

You need to find someone to talk to, someone that will give you guidance through these hard times. You need to find an outlet. Sometimes that's hard. But if you look, you will find.

IN the meantime, feel free to send me a PM and we can chat about it.

I hope you feel better.

And no matter what my heart [</3] says
I have to let you walk away
maybe someday

I can't fight for you anymore
But it's too hard to watch you fall.
I can't fight for you anymore
But watching you go breaks my heart
I can't fight for you anymore
But I want to.
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