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Name: kaylyn
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other people cutting... - August 29th 2009, 02:59 AM

((I'm sorry, this ended up being a big ramble/rant/whatever. I'm just in a very distressed state and I needed to let everything out to people who could understand.))


I was/am a cutter. ((trying to stop. haven't cut in a week or so, before that, a few months.)) When my boyfriend and I first met back at the end of winter we became pretty instant friends because we were both into the same sorts of music, and we were both cutters working through the whole deciding to stop and whether it was worth it to stop or keep doing it thing. When we started dating mid-spring we made a deal to stop cutting. Over spring break we both broke that deal (in different ways, because it wasn't just about cutting).

When school started this year a lot of things fell apart with his home life (he's currently living in a group home, not really foster care, but kind of like it.). And I've really been trying to help him out with all the stress. Well the other day sitting at lunch I noticed that there were some marks on his hand. Yep, they were cuts. For some reason I just felt so betrayed, like everything I had shared with him and all the support I had given him had been worthless. And when I asked him about it his answer made me feel like it was my fault. He said he had cut because he was angry at himself and he didn't want to be angry any more and he was afraid that when I knew about his past that I wouldn't like who he had been. But when I saw his hand I knew it had been partially my fault, I had pushed him, I hadn't given him enough support, and then I didn't have the words to say to keep him from cutting. He begged me not to cut just because he had, and I said I wouldn't.

But it still hurts to know he did it. I feel like it's my fault, even though it's not. It was his choice... but the thought of him making himself bleed makes my stomach roll. I don't know why this is affecting me when I have done the same thing to myself so many times in the past. I was holding his hand today and I could feel the scabs every time I moved my hand at all, and I just wished I could make it better. I wished I could make him better. I wished I could heal his heart and make everything go away that is causing him pain. But every time I was struck with the realization that I can't fix him. I can't take his pain away. And I hate knowing that, because I'm just like my dad. I try to fix the people around me. I try to keep them from hurting... but this time I couldn't keep him from hurting. And now I just don't know what to do for him.


I'm sorry if this didn't make sense, as I said before, I just had to rant. If you have advice, feel free to reply.


-Kaylyn


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To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

el rescate no es un mito
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Re: other people cutting... - August 29th 2009, 03:36 AM

Hey Kaylyn,

Never be sorry for posting Kaylyn because it can really help to have a good rant sometimes. I hope it did help you to get thing off your chest. It is always better to have a rant rather than bottle it all up inside.

I don't think all the support you have given your boyfriend is worthless at all. You are such a caring person to be there for him especially when you have your own problems as well. I think he must appreciate you being there for him. Perhaps you need to reassure him that you will love him no matter what and won't just walk away if you found out about what he has been through in the past. I guess it must be really scary for him and it can be hard to trust people with these types of things but maybe lots of reassurance will make him realise that you won't just walk away. It might take time for him to trust you enough but it will happen.

Honestly Kaylyn you can only be there for him so much, and I think you have supported him lots so you are not to blame for him self harming. Even if you had of given him more support whats to say that he would have been able to resist the urge to self harm. You never know whether he would have self harmed or not. But please don't blame yourself. It will hurt to know he did it because you obviously really care about him; it does hurt to know someone you really care about is hurting themselves and there is nothing you can do to stop them. You can support them and be there for them as much as possible but you can never physically stop them.

In an ideal world it would be wonderful to be able to take away all his pain and just make everything better. All you can do is be there for him and maybe ask him if there is anything you could do to help.

Stay strong



   
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