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firefly23 Offline
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My story...maybe you can help. it's kind of a rant... - August 30th 2009, 06:38 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been cutting for almost 2 years. It started when my first boyfriend dumped me...to go back to messing around with his ex. it really hurt, i thought he really liked me, because i really liked him. and he is an ex cutter, i'm glad to say i'm still friends with him and he hasn't cut since a month before we started dating....maybe thats why i did it. maybe i wanted his attention. but it doesn't matter any more, i realized it helped me get my feelings out without having to talk to someone about it. i really liked that. and i started when it was cold out...so i could cover it easily.

it really only started with safety pins...i would draw stars on my wrist...i thought it looked kinda pretty. after a little while i knew i had to tell someone...because i was scared of what my best friends would say if they just saw it...without me explaining. so i told my best friend. we talked about it, but i felt like she didn't really get it. i knew she was there for me, but it wasn't enough. eventually two of my other friends, and my ex found out. I talked to my ex about it. because even though he hurt me really bad i knew he understood. his scars are all over his arm....and they're real bad. never gonna fade. we talked about it a lot at the beginning.

later...i realized what i was doing wasn't enough...i started piercings, first my eyebrow (which got infected....) then just on my ears....then that wasn't enough. i started using a razor....and the addiction got worse. then one of my best friends died...i don't know if he knew i did it. he was really observant, and also had problems with addiction, self harm and was a victim of abuse. so...after he died....it got worse. and my ex, Kyle told me our friend, the one who died told him one day that there are better ways to deal with pain, you can't do that to yourself no one deserves that kind of pain...and it helped me stop. but of course that didn't last long.

every time i cut i feel like i'm letting my deceased friend, Efren down....he was always there for me. we were so close...but it hurts so much to not be able to talk with him...and just get his advice and listen to his voice...

a lot more has happened since then. last night i cut for the first time in....i think 3 months. i don't know exactly. i've been having a lot of trouble with my identity lately and it makes me sad...so i cry. before this summer almost nothing except missing efren could make me cry. but now...i just cry...and cry...and i'm burdening my friends with this sadness because they can't help. i don't know who i am and it hurts. (i'm sorry if you don't follow...i'm just typing as things come into my head). My best friend told me i need to get help. she can't see me like this any more...she wants me to tell my mom i need to see a therapist. and I think i might need to...but my mom doesn't know me like this...she doesn't know i cut she doesn't know i cry myself to sleep...she doesn't know i'm lost and can't find myself. so, to stop the crying and outward emotions...i started cutting again.

I can either show people my emotions or hide them...i find when i show my emotions my friends try to help me but can't figure out how...so then i hide my emotions by taking them out on myself. if that makes sense.

I'm lost. I would like advice or comfort from someone who can give it...or knows where i'm coming from.

thanks for reading this if you did...it means a lot to me.
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*Jen* Offline
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Re: My story...maybe you can help. it's kind of a rant... - August 31st 2009, 12:24 AM


I am sorry that you are going through all of this right now. Things must be pretty bad for you to have started self harming again. But 3 months without self harm is so amazing! I am so proud of you for going that long and it just shows that you can do it Do you know what helped you during these 3 months not to self harm? Something must have helped you to get this far and perhaps it could help again now.

You know it is good to cry. At least you are letting out how you feel rather than bottling it all up. Your best friend obviously really cares about you and I think you should start listening to her. It is a huge step to tell your mum about your self harm but once you have it will be a huge weight off you and you will be able to get the help you deserve. The sooner you tell her then the sooner things can begin to change and then you will be able to be happy like you deserve. I think it would be better if you told your mum rather than her finding out through someone else. If you find it any easier then you could write your mum a letter explaining things. Just think once she knows you won't have to hide your emotions from her and she might be really supportive.

You are not alone. If you need anything at all then I am always happy to listen
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