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ShAtTerEd HeaRt Offline
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IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 07:02 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

okay,

so i started not eating. and so i told the 2 friends that i could trust and would be supportive of me. And then i cut myself on my leg a few weeks later.

I told them not to tell ANYBODY.
they said "why would we do that?"

Ive only told them really i cant really remember anybody else that ive couldve told about it.

But i trusted them a lot and i really did think they wouldnt tell.

And now, I just gotta email from one of my friends thats in junior high
and im in 6th grade. i have hardly anything to do with the junior high really except for her and 2 other people but thats it.

and i gotta email from her saying she bene hearing that ive bene cutting myself,

that was the title,
and the rest just says "hmm?"

I toatally freaked out and now im scared bcuz i dont know what to believe now! i dont know what was said by who or anything.
and now i really do think they told people and now its getting spread VERY QUICK. i actullay thought i could trust them for 1nce, Ya know?

I just emailed her and wrote

"what??? who told you this?

okay 1st of all whos bene telling you this?

What did they exactly say?

How many people think that?
bcuz all of it is just a bunch of LIES. IM SERIOUS! "

Thatswhat i wrote.

But now im just so scared bcuz i dont want everybody to know i cut.
and what will they think of me now?

I mean, its the junior high. the place where ive always bene looking forward to gratuate ever since i was probley like in 1st grade.

And now, those happy times that i could have when i go in there next year may be all turned to dust now.

I dont wanna go in there and have people cALLING ME "CUTTER"
and other things like that.

i just dont know what i should do now to take this all away. i am NOT TELLING MY FRIEND THAT I CUT, I HAVE A HUGE FEELING SHE WILL TELL THE TEACHERS AND PRINCIPLES AND IT WILL GET BACK TO MY FAMILY!

IVE BENE GETTING HELP WITH MY COUNCELER FOR MY SELFHARM AND THERES JUST NO NEED FOR EVERYBODY TO KNOW.

what would you do?

and what should i do?

and what should i do if my friend doesnt believe what i wrote back to her?


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 07:40 PM

stop telling people?
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 07:51 PM

Ive already decide that but now its out and i cant really just take it back and have everybody stop.

and im just freaked out that its gonna get to my counceler and she just sucks at her job sorry but she does haha (: and shell tell my parents and then my principle will find out and i mean he will kick me out he already told me he would if he heard anything like this again. and that was a couple years ago.

i just know for a fact that i cant take it back and now its out and i have no idea how to control it what so ever ):


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 07:53 PM

^She already told people though, the deed is done.

What I would do is instead of asking "what if", know the situation. Let's the say the girl doesn't believe what you wrote back, but she tells you who told.. then you could go the person and ask why they would spread such a nasty rumor... or if it was your friend that you thought you could trust, ask them why they would spread such a secret. Find out the information. Know why what was done was done, and know who did it. People who find out that you cut yourself don't generally think of you as a "cutter" or "emo" unless that's the face you put on. Normally, they just express complete concern. If you walk around like you have been with nobody suspecting you as a "cutter" (I use quotations because I don't like that term), you won't have so much of a problem. First off because they won't believe that you ARE one, and secondly because you "don't fit" the normal stereotype of a cutter.

Now think of it from this perspective. If your friend told you she cut and you had never even considered the possibility of cutting yourself, wouldn't you be a little frightened? Not necessarily for you but for your friend. You'd want her to get help and everything in you says "don't keep dangerous secrets" because that's what you have been taught. It might of been she told somebody she thought she could trust and now realizes she couldn't trust THAT person. If it spreads, it spreads. But I have a feeling people won't care unless you start wearing all black and start acting like an "emo".

I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense... I guess the point is if you don't ACT like most depressed people are expected to act, then people won't believe that you are actually depressed. PM me anytime you need to talk. *hugs*



   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 09:33 PM

Maybe having your family know could help you. they could act as support for you. The way people found out was mean and i am sorry that you had your personal information send to people via email. Talk to your friends maybe they didnt send the email, maybe someone over heard or saw you cut, i dont know just talk to them. next talk to your therapist let her know what happened and how it makes you feel. it's important to talk to them so they can help you through this and give you tools, and support so you dont need to cut.
pm me anytime ok
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 09:39 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry that the people you told might have spread your secret around to other people. I know this must have really sucked but the thing is that you will make it through this.

The first thing you have to remember is that maybe the people that hear about this will not believe it. A lot of the times rumors go around and people blow them off and think "Yeah right!". So, this might be the case for you. I know it is hard not to think of the what ifs but if you do that you will just stress yourself out and it might lead to more cutting and no one wants that.

The other thing you have to remember is that even if people do believe this in a while a new and better rumor will be started and people will forget about your cutting. It sucks that for a while you might have to deal with people saying things but eventually it will be ignored again.

Now, as for your statement about people seeing you as a cutter; they may for a while but all that matters is how you see yourself and in the words of Jamie Tworkowski "If you struggle with self-injury, you are not "a cutter". You are a person. You are not only your pain. You are not only wounds and scars. You are also better things. You are possibility and promise, hope and healing, daydreams, favorite books and favorite songs. You are the people that you love and the people who love you. You are hope and change and things worth fighting for. This is all your story and your story isn't over."

So, try not to see yourself as a cutter, instead see yourself as someone who is struggling with something that can and will be overcome. Of course not all people are going to understand cutting but in the end all that matters is how you see and what you believe about yourself. Please believe good things because they are all true.

Hang in there,

Jenna



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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 09:59 PM

I agree with Jenna. Most people don't take rumors as 100% true. If someone says anything to you and you don't want to talk about it, just blow it off. You can always say something like, "Don't believe everything you hear" and leave it at that. Just say it with a smile and change the subject. Honestly, if you act like it's not true and no big deal, people will move on with their lives. Especially in high school or junior high. They'll hear some other rumor and that'll be the new focus of everyone's attention.

Plus, you don't know that everyone knows. You don't know anything for sure. I know that sucks a lot, but try not to assume the worst. Just focus on making sure that you're okay instead of what's going on in everyone else's heads.

It's so great that you've talked to your counselor about your self harm and you're getting help. Talk to him/her about what's going on with you right now. I'm sure that they'll be able to help you sort through some of this. And you're right, there is no reason for everyone to know. Just try to stay calm about it and you'll make it through this.

PM me if you ever need to talk.
With hope,
Hannah


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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 10:15 PM

Never tell anyone what you don't want others to know.

It's already too late now. This is going to cause major attention if you don't catch it quick. The best thing to do is to...start eating and stop cutting? Then, people won't call you anorexic or a cutter because they have no proof.

On top of this - if you stop cutting and begin eating...you are healthy and not in danger of killing yourself! See. it works out.


"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." -- Stephen Roberts

"And when you spread forth your hands, I will hide my eyes from you: yes, when you make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood." Isaiah 1:15

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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 10:19 PM

I toatally agree with everybody here, I myself never really believe fully with people saying 1 thing and then saying the other until i see it with my own eyes.

I believe its more true to see it then hear it.
thats what i should probley tell them. (:

And i dont know anything for sure at all, the thing that just sucks most is at our school

for an example,

lets just say this is the truth and this girl who is my age her 1 st beer and it was only 1.

Someone finds out somehow, and then a person goes and tells the truth to another person.
But then the person that was just told the truth decides to spice it up a bit
and changes it.

The person goes to another person and says that the girl had 10 and got wasted that night when she really didnt at all.
The next person that is told this thinks its true or just isnt toatally sure about it but still goes and tells lets say 5 other people.

lets just say that the person tells the other 5 people that she had a beer AND HAD
MARIQUANA (sp?) they think its true, 3 people may go and tell other people what was exactly said, the other 2. tells a completly different story. they say she had 15 beers, did mariquana, and injected herself with mediceine she didnt even know what the heck was and now may have memory loss, brain damage, and is in a gang now, selling drugs.

and they tell those people, and then 1 person may go up to another and say well, she did all of these things, and she was so wasted that now shes pregnant.

This may be VERY GRAPHIC, But see what i mean? Thats just what our school is like.
they have kids really that willing to spice up a story like that with those kinds of things and turn a harmless thing that a girl told her 1 of her friends into making her look like a toatal rebellion and gang banger when shes a really nice kid.

this may be hard to believe but all of that spicing up and story telling could actullay happen within just a day or 2. And some of them actullay believe this junk!

it just sucks cuz this all probley happened and who knows what was said. But then again i need to try not to think about it.

but the most biggest problem is what if my teacher finds out?
what if my principle finds out? he will kick me out if he finds out any of this at all.


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 10:23 PM

I just want to add that, yeah, if you tell someone you run the risk of more people finding out... But that doesn't mean you should never tell anyone about it. You shouldn't have to deal with it on your own. You need a support network. Getting the courage to tell someone and to get help is so amazing. Even if something like this happens, you have some people to turn to AND you've already proven how strong you are. Don't forget that. <3

I don't think your principal is allowed to kick you out because of this. He might send you to the counsellor or tell your parents... But I don't think he could kick you out of school.

Hang in there.


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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 10:32 PM

Well he was so sick of me telling my friends to look for support and everybody getting so worried sick about me that he was serious and nice but still serous and said that he cant have that in his school and i wont be allowed to come their to my christain school. ): and i actullay like it their a lot. im just worried. And i know i am risking it when i tell someone! but my gut told me it was okay so i did and now.....im stuck.


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 11th 2009, 10:42 PM

The fact that your gut told you to tell someone is SO AMAZING. Disregarding everything that happened after, just the fact that you could tell someone is so great.

If your principal was nice about it, could you go to him and talk about it? You could tell him that you have been dealing with some stuff but you're trying to get help and that the school is really important to you.
I don't know, just an idea.

I just don't see how he can kick you out when you obviously need help, not punishment. Do your parents know about all this?


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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 12th 2009, 04:00 AM

Yeah my mom knows that ive dealt with cutting and self harm ever since i was 11
but she doesnt know that ive bene selfharming again. I just wanna go back to cutting. It feels awsome to me for some reason. i dont like it at all but this time theirs a part in the corner of my mind that wants to go back to it all. All over again.

I selfharmed yesterday and got mad at my mom (I cant even remember what it was that i got mad at her for)
but anyway, I took my pencil and hit myself in the head hard numerous times. I have very minor bruises on my head now. I also bit myself at least 3 times on my arm and my finger and the back of my wrist really hard but left no marks except for when i bit myself on my finger.

I know your probley thinking OH MY GOSH! YOUR GONNA KILL YOURSELF!
but ive hit my head a few times before and it was worse then this. Last time i hit myself on the sharp corner of the desk and made a bruise more visible on my head.
so ive had worse haha (:

Anyway i just HATE IT WHEN MY MOM FINDS OUT AND I DONT WANT HER TO FIND OUT BCUZ SHE ALWAYS FREAKS OUT, and then she tells me if i tell people that Child Protective Services are gonna come to our door and take me away to foster care. And im alway like mom please. and she makes me worry of that!
she just acts that way and its just awkward for her to know and its just not something i want her to know ):

and also if i tell my principle then hell tell my parents for sure and they will freak out and its just like "god dad,mom, ITS OKaaaaaaaaayyyyyy"


Met you from a tie between u and me buddy,
Saw you from my wired eyes with a twisted little lie, and my mind told me negative when i had a wish to own you with my heart, buddy and you split like twigs, senses told her i fell for him, and she told me "i loved him, and go get him" And while i said "negative he said "correct" <3


Me and ? = 3 days which =correct
   
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Re: IM SO SCARED! (everybody knows now!!!) - October 13th 2009, 05:01 PM

Hey there,

I had this same sort of situation happen to me when I started. It got around my elementary school and eventually my teacher was told, she called my mom, and my mom and I talked about it. At the time, my mom just assumed it was a one time deal and that I would stop, to this day she doesn't know that it's been going on for 7+ years.

You can't really stop what has happened, which sucks I know, but that's the truth of it. At this point, you can deny what has happened to you, but would it really hurt to put yourself out there and get some help? I know that can be super scary, but maybe just maybe you'll find someone you can relate to and someone that can help you.

Good luck with everything !! I know this can be scary, just know I'm always here if you need to talk!


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