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ashbby Offline
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Name: Ashley
Age: 27
Gender: Female

Posts: 1
Join Date: January 30th 2009

Again and again.. - January 30th 2009, 07:47 PM

I hate myself. I really do... having to come to this. I guess it's natural to want help, but I could never seek it in real life so here I am.
I feel so weak.

I pull out my hair- well used to. Now it's just eyelashes like it has always been. The sad truth, I've been pulling my eyelashes out since I was about six. I'm sixteen now. That's a whole decade, folks.
I know it's not right, and I don't want to do it. I don't. But I don't want to get help.

I have it in my head that well.. since I did start pulling my hair (like head hair) out in the 4th grade but managed to completely stop in 8th that I can do it with the eyelashes. I'll admit- sometimes I still do cave and pull out hair but it is very rare anymore. Only when I'm searching for the high that it gives me...

I feel so.. ugly. =\ Eyelashes are beauty to most people, or so my mom says. She yells at me every time I screw up, not that I really blame her. I'm so far from perfect after all. She expects that I get good grades, be a social and nice person, and not hurt myself in any way.

Screw that.

I can't take her anymore. This all has gotten so bad that I've actually been trying to think of a new addiction to get rid of this one. I actually THINK that doing drugs is better than this. I'm almost ready to go seek out some of my pothead buddies and bum some weed off of them and go party.
Too bad I'm too level-headed most of the time.

I'm just wishing I could snap though. Test my fate.
It's pretty stupid.

I just want to stop pulling. I'd give anything. =\ I'm jealous- and I know this isn't right- of those people who hurt themselves in other ways... At least you can hide scars. You can't hide missing eyelashes too well.
I don't know what I'm looking for...
maybe just words of comfort that make me feel stronger.

"It was like my inner explosion. Starting on the inside, and then changing the out."
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Einmyria Offline
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Age: 28

Posts: 8
Join Date: January 31st 2009

Re: Again and again.. - January 31st 2009, 05:11 PM

Well, for one, stopping this for something else wont help at all and it will probably make things harder. could you try and keep your hands busy some other way? by keeping something small in your pocket that you can fiddle with if you start or are about to start pulling your hair out again?

im sure so few people notice the difference in your eyelashes so dont worry about it! im sure you still look amazing!
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
*Jen* Offline
keep smiling :-)
Outside, huh?
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Name: Jen
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 3,668
Blog Entries: 211
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Re: Again and again.. - January 31st 2009, 06:31 PM

Hey Ashley.
Your not weak at all. I think you are really strong to have reached out for help because that isn't an easy thing to do. You say you don't want to do it and don't want to get help. But it seems like you haven't been able to stop on your own so perhaps if you want things to change then you are going to have to change things for yourself. That does mean getting the help you deserve. You have already taken a big step by writing this and you can take that one step further and tell someone. I understand it isn't easy at all but if you really want to get better and for things to change then you might have to push yourself to tell someone. You don't have to be alone. Stay strong:-)
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