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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rocking For God
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Name: Kirsty
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: Dreamland, UK

Posts: 13
Join Date: January 30th 2009

Its been over two years. - January 31st 2009, 05:46 PM

It had been over two years since I last cut, and when I stopped cutting it was one of the hardest things i have ever done.

But just recently everything seams to be going wrong, im slipping back into feeling constantly down and full of self hatred.

Around the time that I stopped cutting I was also undergoing treatment for annorexia nervosa, and over the past two years I have slowly got my life back on track.

I had to put weight on, but by putting weight on I have made myself miserable. Im a dancer, and I spend loads of time in skin tight clothes, dancing in rooms lined with mirriors. The thiner girls get the best parts, and the 'compare' game is often played.

My mum has started making comments again about how I look, and Im begining to hate myself more and more each day.

Back then, a part of my control and 'punishment' was cutting... and im slipping back.

After I eat I always get urges to cut, I cant stop myself thinking, 'Okay, three mouthfulls, three cuts.' Its not just eating thats setting me off either, its everything - a bad day, a snide comment from someone.

Im petrified that one day im going to snap, and I know that once I do that this time there is going to be no going back.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Hamlet, Shakespeare.
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Re: Its been over two years. - January 31st 2009, 06:23 PM

Hey Kirsty.
Firstly, not cutting for 2 years is fantastic! You have come so far and I guess when things do get tough it can feel more managable to take each day at a time and not look too far ahead, because that can feel overwhelming. I don't think you want to throw all that away and go back to cutting, because then it will be harder to stop. Remind yourself of how you will feel if you cut when you feel like self harming. Are you still having any treatment or seeing anyone? It can be so easy to constantly compare yourself to other people, but you shouldn't because you are you and if people don't accept you for who you are then they are not worth it. Your mum making comments is obviously not helpful, because you already feel insecure about yourself. Perhaps you could tell her how her comments make you feel. You can get through this so don't give up. If you ever need someone to talk to then I am here. Stay strong:-)
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Re: Its been over two years. - February 1st 2009, 03:02 PM

Hey there,

I know this must be difficult now but think, you recovered for Two years before, if you've done it once you know you're strong enough to do it again. Don't let yourself forget how much you achieved and how much you still can with your mind in the right place.

You have to realize that even though sometimes you find life can be a competition you have to know that, even if you don't look like one girl it doesn't make you any less of a person. You're strong, you've dealt with things you shouldn't have had too and got through them, I'm sure these girls couldn't imagine going through that. As you get a bit older you will realize that, it's personality that gets you places if you're living a normal life off the fame scene. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you will learn it through time and also through learning to love yourself, a good way is to look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you're a great, beautiful person until you believe it.

As for your mother well, maybe she's going through her own problems because I'm sure she wouldn't say these things for no reason. You could try talking to her and explaining how this is making you feel, if you can't do that then write your feelings down and give them to her, either way she needs to know.

Cutting isn't the way to deal with any issues that you feel you're dealing with. There are ways to replace/distract you from cutting that are healthy and don't leave you with regrets. Things such as;
Re-organizing your room
Having a pillowfight with the wall
Knitting or sewing
Reading a good book
Dressing up very glamorous
Colouring your hair
Finding someone else you can help out

There are other things also, anything you can think of along these lines that will help, so many other possibilities are avaliable.

When you feel like you're going to break, cry into your pillow, punch your pillow, scream your lungs out, anything to get your feelings out that won't harm you or anyone else. But don't be afraid of letting your feelings out because having them build up is the last thing you want.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Rocking For God
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Name: Kirsty
Age: 28
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Re: Its been over two years. - February 3rd 2009, 11:17 AM

Thank you for your support, it really means alot to me.

I am really sorry that you have all spent your time giving me support and I have just wasted it like this, a short time after I posted this I began cutting again. I should have came on here and owned up to it sooner than this but I was so ashamed at what I had done.

I know that what I have done is wrong, and I know that 'Ive stopped once and I can stop again' - bnut if Im honest, I dont really want to stop at the moment. The only thing that I am scared about is one day picking up my blade and not stopping. Becuase I dont want to die - not now, all I want to be is a decent person.

The routines are back, ive been cutting every night, after meals and if anything particular happens. I feel like such an idiot for doing it, and I hate myself for it - but at the moment I dont ever see me stopping.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Hamlet, Shakespeare.
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