I relapsed...

[samantha_sykes]

After nearly 4 months cut free, I relapsed. I don't know why this specific time made me relapse before any others did.
I've been dealing with more lately.
My brother moved out and to Kansas with my sister-in-law and niece. And I have a hard time being away from them when they're here, and now they're thousands of miles away.
And my cat is dying, and I've had him since I was 4 years old, he's MY cat. And I have to decide what to do with him, whether to put him down or let him die by himself...
And i have a boyfriend now, and he doesn't like some of my friends, who I spend almost all my time with if I'm not with him. And he doesn't have a reason to hate them either... And I simply don't know what to do about it. It kills me that he can't accept the people I'm friends with. Because if he can't accept them, he can't truly accept me.
He knows I've cut, and he doesn't like the idea that I can't promise that I won't do it.
And I started the pill, and the doctor told me that it might make me really irritated and depressed, and that it's a bad thing if that happens. And that's exactly what's happened. It totally kills me. I cry all the time, for reasons I don't have. And I get irritated at everyone, for reasons completely illogical.
I either feel too much emotion, or I feel nothing.
The past few weeks, I've been on-off crying my eyes out and forcing people to laugh at jokes I don't find funny, and smile with someone who's not smiling inside at all. I feel torn between life and death. I want neither, and both. At the same time.
I just don't understand.

[yoshi'stheshiznit.]

Samantha.

You've been going through a lot, and i see that you're feeling a lot of negative feelings. But just remember that events are always bound to change things for the better.. you can always keep in touch with your brother, bsister-in-law and niece through the net, and just make sure to call them very often. I'm sure they feel the same way because they like you and care for you a lot.. just stay in touch with them.

And actually, this is very hard for me to say..( i owned some pets myself.. two hamsters to be exact) but the best choice in this case is to put him down.. It will free him from the pain that he's bound to experience. I know you treasure him a lot , and you're certainly a very good pet care-taker( i can feel it in the way you typed out your sentence.. you care for the cat a lot ) . But remember ..before you start feeling bad about this, remember that your cat is extremely lucky to have you as it's master.. in the same way you're blessed to to have this cat and share happy moments altogether for so long up to now.

Maybe your boyfriend just had to get to know the people you're with better.. he probably needs to learn that every person is different in their own way , but because of that there is also a reason to appreciate every person's individuality and personality.He just needs to learn that because if he doesn't have a reason to hate them, i get the feeling that he'll begin liking and wanting to spent time around them in one way or another. i'm sure that no matter what happens, things will turn out alright in the end.

I understand that you sh.. but that is clearly the wrong way to deal with all this emotional turmoil. There is so much better stuff you can do.. like watch a heartwarming movie, tell your friends about whatever you're going through (also your boyfriend ) basically anything which warms the soul. Healing the soul and heart is the real cure for all this emotional pain because it will replace those with happiness and smiles I get the feeling that the way you're acting these past few weeks are also connected to your feelings..completely.

Just remember that stuff will always get better , and that cures of the soul will definitely rejuvenate you and help you in a way that nothing else can. Just smiling or just doing something that makes you smile.. changes a WHOLE lot of things.

Just remember that besides all that, you can always count on us too.

caring always.

[Memories]

There was this song that really encouraged me when I relaped to get back up & try again. It's called 'get up' by superchick.
The first verse goes;
"I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you dont try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine"

You have so much going on for you right now, but don't let it defeat you, don't let it keep you down from beating self harm because you can beat it.

Is there any way you could see a counsellor? It's a huge step, but it's so helpful to sort out these issues going on, and maybe find a cause for the emotions.

Hang in there darl, if u ever need someone to talk to. PM me.

[annabanana.]

Hey Samantha,

No one deserves to feel like this and I am truly sorry you do. I get the impression things could be made easier for you if perhaps you weren't taking this pill? Is there a possibility that you could see your doctor again and explain things. Ask if you could be put on a different pill?

I also have a cat and I would hate to be in this position. I think you have to make the decision on this.. I think it depends how much pain your cat will be in, that makes the difference. It will not be easy and I feel for you.

You can still see your brother and his family right? And there's always phone calls, email, texts, even letters. Try to stay strong, can you arrange a time to visit then hold on to that?

In terms of your boyfriend, is there any reason he doesn't like your friends? Perhaps he feels they influence you too much or you spend too much time with them (in his view)? If there is no apparent reason then you could have a chat with him - explain how you feel and that you love your friends, that they have made you who you are today.

As for the relapse, I know it is easier said than done but try to pick yourself up and forget it ever happened! You are so strong to have gone for four months, you can keep going. I believe you can. Check out the Alternatives thread (click here) and see if any stick out for you. If one doesn't work then keep trying. It can be good to have more than one because then you could pick depending on where you are, what mood you are in and what you feel like you could do.

Keep fighting and PM me if you need a chat at any point,
Take care.
Anna