Circles

[jenna2013]

That's what I feel like I'm doing. Going in circles. I hate cutting. But I love it. I like the release and I like the scars. Its sick. My parents hate that I cut. But i feel like it's because of them. My dad was everything a dad shouldn't be when I was growing up. And I can't forgive him. I know I should though because he's changed. But he hurt me. And my mom, well, she hates me. We have no relationship. Part of me cares, but the other part of me doesn't. Maybe it's not meant to be. I don't know. I want to quit cutting. I've been doing it for almost 6 years now. Off and on until my junior year of high school, but still. But I don't think I can. The only reason I "quit" is so that my parents are off my back and so that I can wear tshirts in the summer. I don't know what I should do.

[jamie.leigh]

you dont need to read this top part if you dont want to, its mainly just me rambling about my past.

i have been going in circles for 6 years. i started cutting at age 12, and my cuts used to be just scratches, but i had them all over my forearms, on my stomach, my legs.. then one day when i was about 14, i came home drunk around 4 am, and i was really pissed, stormed to my room, and sliced my wrist too deep. i didnt wanna tell my parents and i didnt wanna bleed, so i took some black thread a bit thicker than dental floss, and a sewing needle, and stitched myself together. i left it there for days, i loved looking at it. after that night, i had horizontal cuts and scars all the way up to the crook of my elbow. i knew my parents knew what i was doing, but i wore hoodies EVERY single day since the day they found out. eventually i ran out of fresh skin to cut on since it was all scar tissue, so i decided to cut vertically, which was much more satisfying. i started shooting up morphine and smoking meth, which numbed my pain receptors to match my emotions (dramatic cliche), and since morphine is infact a painkiller, my cuts were deep, and bled enough to fill a baby food jar about 2/3 full (dont ask.); at this point in time, my entire right arm looks like a burn scar, and as sick as it sounds, i love looking at it. im not ashamed of them at all; i wear short sleeves all the time. i think it shows that i have been through a lot, and still came out pretty normal. i havent cut since may 2009, and i dont plan on doing it anymore, mainly because my boyfriend would think i was insane, and i dont want him to think that, because i live with him, and may possibly be marrying him.

but i would advise that you stop the cutting (for health and satitary reasons) and take on a better form of mutilation; tattoos. it gives you the same endorphin rush, because it's still metal piercing the skin. or, if you're not into tattoos, try exercise. thats what i do, for about an hour, to an hour and a half a day, and that releases endorphins too. just keep the scars as a keepsake to look back on. i could have gotten rid of my scars, but i chose not to, because i like them. i have them on my arms, shoulders, legs, face, and stomach. and as hard as it might be, you need to forget about your past with your parents. it's only the fuel to the fire. i pushed the past out of my head a long time ago, and it's done wonders for my happiness and self esteem. and an 'i dont think i can' attitude isn't going to help you quit cutting; its either you do or you dont, there is no try. it may be hard at some times, but if you get the urge to cut, do what i do; draw your feelings. use symbolism, scenarios with people, anything. you dont have to have artistic abilities to draw how you feel. and if you want to, you can destroy it after you draw it, or keep it to look back on next time you feel like cutting. or draw a whole bunch of them and keep a folder of your emotions. you can write too. those are the 2 best emotion releases ive ever tried, and i use them a lot.
also, you CAN wear tshirts, you just choose not to. i chose to wear hoodies in 90-110 degree weather, and nearly had a heat stroke on multiple occasions. i finally said fuck it and wore tank tops and tshirts. id wear hoodies all the time to hide my body too, and now that my self esteem is renewed, i learned that everybody is made different, and that i have a REAL figure; curves and all. i may be a lot more muscular than other girls, but that just makes me unique. a blonde that can benchpress 120 pounds and loves to hunt and fish. ha :P

[Memories]

Yeah, wow. I know that feeling all too well. The circles and stuff.
But reclaiming your life from this is so much more than getting your parents off your back and wearing short sleeves again, it's taking back your whole life. Because within self harm, we loose it.
Quiting should be for noone else but you. When your ready, try to implament some of the suggestions in the sticky: alternatives to self harm.
It's a hard fight, and most people fall at times, but you get back up and try again.
If you want to chat, vent about home stuff, I'm here and my home life is a lot alike or want to keep accountable. PM me.
Good luck hun. You can beat this.

[annabanana.]

Hi Jenna,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother and father - i'm sure they do both really care for you, even if they don't show it. You basically said it yourself, they hate the fact you are hurting yourself.

It takes time to quit an addiction as self harm is but it worth it. I believe you are strong enough as you posted - which takes a lot of courage in itself.

I agree with Kat - you should do it for you. But really, anything that motivates you enough is good! It won't be easy, as you have figured out, but it will be well worth it in the end. Have you checked out the Alternatives thread? (click here) Try looking on there until you find something that works for you. If something doesn't work, then try something else and keep on trying.

You need to find a coping mechanism that will give you the same feeling as cutting without causing the scars and hurt. That way, when you feel like you want to cut you can use the other way instead.

For your scars - have you tried using something like Bio-oil? Or even moisturising regularly can help. Keep aiming for the summer, the want to wear short sleeves. You can beat this, I know you can. You are strong enough and I believe in you.

PM me if you need a chat,
Take care.
Anna

[jenna2013]

thanks..i really appreciate it. this is just really hard..

[annabanana.]

I know it must be and I feel for you, but you are so strong! Posting here shows you are reaching out for help and that takes courage.

PM me if you ever need a chat alright?
Take care.
Anna