I'm not sure where else to turn, so I have come here;
A few days ago, I started cutting my forearm. What started out with one simple cut turned into eighteen over the course of three days. All of these cuts are not very deep and the ones made a few days ago are already starting to disappear. (Used sanitary tool and have a damp cloth that I hold on it after, in case you were wondering)
The thing that I am scared of is that I want the cuts deeper and I always have the feeling that I need more of them. Even as I am typing it, the thought is going through my head.
I have been worrying a lot about university next year and I don't have many close friends as I am a loner type of person. I don't want to talk to anyone that I know about this (nobody knows that I cut myself) so I have come here.
I'm not sure what my motivation is to continue cutting, I just know that I can not stop on my own. I just love the pain and seeing the marks that are left on my arm, it makes me feel powerful and a lot better about myself in a weird way. The thing is, every time I look in the mirror in the morning, I want the cuts more spread out; I usually make more the following night.
I don't think I have the strength to actually kill myself by doing this, but I can see it getting really out of control. I don't want any of my family to know that I do this, but I am pretty sure I need help. Should I get professional help? How do I break the news that I may need a therapist to my mom? What can I do to get rid of this feeling? Any help is greatly appreciated.
P.S. I have been in therapy a couple years back because I was going to start cutting myself, but I was interrupted when I was about to begin.
You're doing the right thing by posting here. It shows that you really want to stop. To acknowledge that you need help, and that you can't stop cutting on your own, is a very brave thing to do.
I would recommend that you do seek professional help. I know you said you don't want your parents to know, but sometimes being honest and open is the best idea. I'm sure your mother would appreciate it if you just told her that you need a therapist, and, if she asks, explain why. Or, you could just say that you need a therapist, but you're not comfortable talking to her (your mother) about why this is so.
When you feel the urge to cut, distractions are usually good. You'll find a list on this site, and I hope they help.
The key to quitting self-harm for good is to figure out why you need it, and replace it with more healthy coping methods. Perhaps you could start thinking about this now, even before seeing a professional?
Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need. = ]
You want redemption?
Find another way to stand and fight.