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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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AlenRose_XX Offline
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I want to stop. - February 9th 2009, 11:26 PM

I want to stop cutting. The day, yesterday, I decided. I'm done. I don't want these scars anymore. I'm so sick of hiding them and trying to cut in places where no one will see but it eventually happens where I get in a situation where I wear something and they show. I looked at the scars on my legs, some form of pride arose at the sight of them. But then horror caved it. What if they never go away? What will people think? I'm not crazy, am I? So I begin to guess myself. I've said fuck it and started cutting my arms. No matter what I have to do to hide them. I like them the best there. Easiest to look at. Easiest to provoke. But I want them to go away. I want an alternative. Maybe bruising. I want to stop cutting but without another solid solution that will make as much sense to me as cutting does I can't. I'm afraid. I got a kitchen knife last night. It looked really nice. All I could think about was making a deep cut in each arm and getting in the shower and watch it move through the water like delicious red smoke. I wanted it. Still do. Sounds really good.... But. I don't know. I need help. I wanna go to my school counselor and ask about local therapists, but I'm afraid to get help. This hellish cycle is the only constant in my life. I don't want the only thing that has ever stuck by my side to leave me. Even if it means getting better. Becoming happy. I don't want it. So I'll wait til I make up my mind. I like who I am. Even if I don't have a set personality. A set me.

What do I do?

~Sebastian
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I want to stop. - February 10th 2009, 08:55 AM

Making the decision to stop self-harming is an incredibly hard one. Of course you're going to change your mind a lot, especially depending on your mood. Well done for thinking about it! I know how hard it was and even thinking about quitting was hard to do.
I don't think your mind will ever truely be made up, there will be points where you'll want to go back to it, but you just have to be strong and stand up to those thoughts.

Getting help would be a great thing to do, i'm pleased that you thought about going to your school councellor, if you do want to quit then you'll need all the help you can. It's a hard thing to do on your own.

x
   
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Re: I want to stop. - February 15th 2009, 12:30 PM

Just as Hannah said, making the decision to stop, is so hard to make, and do go to your doctor, or open up to a parent/teacher/friend.
Having support around you is going to take the pressure of you to quit on your own. Keep a copy of the alternatives thread around with you just in case
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/showthread.php?t=130
And as for the scars, maybe invest in some bio oil or some cocoa butter
take care
x


Lauren

"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

"But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though Iíve been in dark places, Iíve survived and learned and become stronger".




   
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Re: I want to stop. - February 15th 2009, 02:34 PM

If you want to stop you can stop. Of course it won't be easy but it is possible. Deciding to stop is a big decision to make and you might have slip ups along the way but it is all part of recovery. Your not crazy; just going through a difficult time and coping as best as you can. If you want to get better you might have to do things, which are scary like speak to your school counsellor. Maybe you could book a session with her and have a chat about things and see what she suggests? You are not alone and there is help out there for you :-)
   
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Re: I want to stop. - February 15th 2009, 07:37 PM

No offense but my teachers don't care and are afraid when I mention it. My parents I don't even bother telling. Their way of handling it is talking about it once and they pretend that that talk just fixed everything so that they never have to deal with it again. My friends don't know how to help or what to say and they really mean nothing to me when they try to. My counselors are so dumb.....I got turned into cutting earlier this year, or late last year I don't remember. Thankfully they checked my arms and that was when I still cut my thighs so they didn't find anything. My doctor knows I have depression. My idiot mother sat in on that "session" as well. Started fucking crying, like, "how can my beautiful stupid little girl be depressed cause we're such a happy fucking family". It was dumb. All of this just makes me feel like no one will understand. It's not even like anti-depressants will work, I'm too young. I went on prozac for a while, but my body understood everything it was doing. Caging up every emotion that wasn't happiness and refused to let me feel it. That's exactly what I thought it was going to do, I'm very sad I was right. I'll bet the rest of the medications do the same thing.
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