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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Unhappy It's returned with a vengance... - February 11th 2009, 02:33 AM

So..yeah. I have been cutting since I was 15, and I've never really stopped for an extended period of time. I've stopped briefly, maybe once or twice, the last time being from October until a week ago. The last time I had cut was in October, when I was dating an abusive guy. After I had left him, things improved for a bit, and I actually forgot about cutting. But then last week, I started getting really upset about some things at work (people being...not nice to me), and then family issues. And also my ex has been texting me and calling me alot trying to hook back up with me. I was really upset, and without even thinking I cut on my leg. Ever since that cut, I have been thinking about it non.stop. I didn't do it again, up until tonight. I had thought about it all night, debating it, and I held the scissors for about 5 minutes before I actually started cutting. Once I started, I didn't stop for 10 straight minutes. I thought it would be enough, but it's not. I can't stop thinking about it, and I know I'm going to do it again tonight. I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one would understand. Even the people I used to be able to talk to about it, I can't anymore, because it would just be too awkward to bring up. I want to be able to stop, but I know I can't as long as I continue to feel this alone, and helpless. And as long as all this stuff keeps going on in my life...
I just can't do it without cutting. I have alot of extreme anixety (and PTSD and OCD and a mood disorder), so I'm CONSTANTLY anxious. But when I cut, everything is...calm. I get really tired when I cut, and the calmness is almost too much, because it hits me really fast and hard, and I get dizzy. But it feels so good. Until it doesn't. The "good feeling" lasts just a few minutes, and then I'm left feeling like I need to cut again.
I don't know what to do, and I don't know really what the point of this thread is...other than to just maybe feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's returned with a vengance... - February 17th 2009, 11:13 AM

No, you are not alone.
Have you looked the alternatives thread yet?

Good luck.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's returned with a vengance... - February 17th 2009, 10:04 PM

hey Jen, don't worry your not alone in feeling this way. It's unimaginably hard trying to get rid of sh, but you can do it. You said you had people you talked to before. If it helped you, i really think you should bring it up with them again. It's important to have people supporting you when your trying to heal. It probably will feel a little awkward at first, but it will get easier with time.

You already realize that cutting is just a short term solution, so now all you have to do is find the courage to stop. Have you ever tried talking to a therapist. They can be really helpful in working through your feelings and sometimes we just need someone there to give us the push to get better.

I hope your doing okay and if you ever need to talk you can pm me.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Re: It's returned with a vengance... - February 22nd 2009, 07:58 PM

As of now, I feel like SH'ing is the only thing that works, even if it is only temporary.

I wouldn't even know how to bring it up to anyone that I was SH'ing again...the people that I feel like would understand, are going through alot themselves right now, and I don't want to burden anyone or have them think that I'm not as strong as they think I am...

I do have a therapist, but I absolutely cannot tell her about the cutting, because she would be required to tell.

This is just really sucky.... :-/
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It's returned with a vengance... - February 25th 2009, 11:08 AM

hey Jen. Councellers cant tell anything you tell them. they are not aloud!! tell her about it =]
pm me anytime or find me in chat
xx
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