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-   -   I did it again (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t4648-i-did-again/)

Heathen February 12th 2009 04:38 AM

I did it again
So, after not really harming myself for two years (technically fifteen months, but that was a minor incident), I cut myself again. I can't exactly explain why; only that I have been in a very strange state lately. I am not positive, but I think I am in a mixed state right now (I am diagnosed as having manic-depressive illness. I will see my psychiatrist Tuesday to see what might be going on med-wise). I cut three times- two separate occasions last week and tonight. I purposely did not seek medical attention for fear of being forced to get stitches (even though I needed them). I am reluctant to go to a doctor tonight, even though I know I need stitches. (voice of experience...I haven't forgotten the drill)

The problem is I cut for absolutely no reason. It's not that I feel super upset. My life is great; I really have nothing to be upset about. Before I cut because I was emotionally disturbed and seriously depressed. I am a successful college student with great relationships. NOTHING is wrong. And that is what frustrates me most. Also, as I am cutting I think of the other options I have: talk to my boyfriend, go chill in a friend's room, call my therapist, distract myself by getting started on that linguistics paper due Friday...but I ignore them. I do it anyway.

I feel bad because I know it will disappoint people. I practically promised my boyfriend I wouldn't do it again (is scared the crap out of him when he found out) thinking I could keep it. I just told my mother about last week's episodes today and she was really supportive, not angry. My dad doesn't know and told me yesterday about what a milestone it is I haven't cut in two years *surge of guilt* :unsure:

This seems to be more of a rant, but I do not know what to do. I know I am not a candidate for the psych ward, but I am ignoring my resources, getting angry at myself (the reason I cut), and just getting a terrible sense of de ja vu. Is it stupid, what I am doing? How can I quit punishing myself? It's not that I really want to, I just.....like the distraction.

Just.....any advice of any type is appreciated. Really. Lay it on me. I'm begging you.

Rican Roll February 12th 2009 04:40 PM

Re: I did it again
Now, I'm no doctor, but it sounds more to me that your cutting isn't linked to your emotional state. Considering that you are completely content with where your life is, perhaps it's something mental? Self-injury can be linked to several things, such as borderline personality disorder or subconscious means of expressing repressed cases of abuse or trauma.

This is something that you really can't solve alone. It would be in your best interests to seek professional assistance ASAP and explain to them what you've said here. The problem won't be solved unless you get to the root of it.


asyoulikeit February 12th 2009 06:30 PM

Re: I did it again
It sounds like you never really let go of the habits back when you were severely depressed; I understand what you mean about having no reason but that's not really what it is- you must have some thought behind it, you just don't know why you do it. I agree with the above advice about professional help. Don't beat yourself up over guilt. Your parents/boyfriend know you're struggling with this and there will be relapses even over the years. You don't necessarily need to tell them, but you do (regardless of what else you do) need to tell a professional what you told us.

<3 you can do this. Think of how far you've made it the first time; you're more than capable of getting past it.

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