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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: kaylyn
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he's yelling again... - February 14th 2009, 11:54 PM

hey, i'm kaylyn

i've been a cutter for almost 2 years... awhile back i slipped from 254 days... and it sucked so bad because i felt like such a failure...

my father is my main trigger. he never hits me, but he does a good job of cutting me apart with his words, even when they aren't directed at me. the worst part is how he can go from screaming and yelling to laughing and cracking jokes in a split second. and every time talks about spirituality and God and the Holy Spirit, I want to yell at him and ask him if he really gives a care about me and what he is doing to me. sometimes i wonder if it would be better if he actually physically hurt me... physical crap is easier to deal with than emotional.

my best friend and her foster brother are cutters, also, and so it's great to be so close to someone who gets it, but it also sucks because sometimes you can't get away from it. right now i just want to cut so deep that everyone knows about my cutting... i hate my fucking family.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:00 AM

I know exactly what you mean. Parents can be harsh. There words feel like a knife is stabbing you in the back. And there words only get worse. I too am dealing with that. But you've gotta not cut. Never resault to that, no matter how powerful the words are, or anything! I normally go to my room or the basement and take a pillow to my face and scream in it. or bite the pillow super hard to get out my angry or the feeling of cutting. listening to music, call a friend, take a bath or shower, try to sleep. write about it, do something anything but cutting, because once you cut it gets worse.. even if you're a cutter, cutting is always bad. But just do something to get your mind off of it.. just ignore what he said and focus on something good.

hope it helps!
pm if you need to talk about this even more i know where your coming from and i feel the same way


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by thisbkatie View Post
I know exactly what you mean. Parents can be harsh. There words feel like a knife is stabbing you in the back. And there words only get worse. I too am dealing with that. But you've gotta not cut. Never resault to that, no matter how powerful the words are, or anything! I normally go to my room or the basement and take a pillow to my face and scream in it. or bite the pillow super hard to get out my angry or the feeling of cutting. listening to music, call a friend, take a bath or shower, try to sleep. write about it, do something anything but cutting, because once you cut it gets worse.. even if you're a cutter, cutting is always bad. But just do something to get your mind off of it.. just ignore what he said and focus on something good.

hope it helps!
pm if you need to talk about this even more i know where your coming from and i feel the same way
i've tried so many times to ignore him, but it's to the point that i can't. i just want to cuss him out and tell him how much i fucking hate him and that he's such a liar and he doesn't care... sometimes i want to make him so mad that he will hit me... and then i want to make my parents send me away... that way i don't have to listen to them anymore.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:18 AM

you know what. i don't know what to tell you, because im right there with you, everyday in my house is a fight, everyday it turns into them telling im not good enough, or they miss the old me, or they wish i was different. But what they don't understand is, im not coming back the old me is gone, and they are stuck with me now. They don't know whats going on in my life becuase they don't even bother to ask me.

but i know it's hard, and i know you wanna do all those things, you but can't, you simply can't.

Im sorry, but i just don't know what to say, or that im here i understand this all, i live this just like you. So if you ever need to talk about whats happened, or happening or what he's said to help you through it, im here, feel free to pm me.! i'll glady help the best that i can!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:19 AM

^ thanks.

shit... there he goes again...

i tried to find the old me... and that's how i slipped...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:24 AM

i know, it's hard! it truly is.
and i've tried to find the old me too..
but something i just feel that it's best that i can't find her, that she went away for a good reason, i've been through so much shit the past 4 years that i've come to the thought, that everything happens for a reason, and there's not point in living in the past or trying to bring it back, cause it's gone and will be your can't change it so why live in it.


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:27 AM

i'm not living in the past... i'm trying to live in the present... but every time i hear him yelling... i just want to be little again. i wish i hadn't thrown away my childhood with self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. i can't take this crap any more... i want to run away....
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:31 AM

see if you run, once you come back it'll be worse, he won't change he'll really flip, by not running or not killing yourself your stopping how far he'll take it, if you do try to kill yourself he'll probably flip and that's not what you want.


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:33 AM

but if i run away.... maybe my parents will realize the truth... maybe they'll start to understand... but maybe they'll just think i'm crazy and try to shove help into my face... atleast i would be free for awhile.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:35 AM

for a while, but some time that's gotta end! and yeah maybe they will, but then again maybe they won't. i mean you can, but by running away you might find yourself in more trouble then you were before


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:37 AM

i know... but i just want to be free. i don't want to wait 3 years before i can leave. once i get my license, i'm outta here.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:42 AM

i know you can't wait that long. but think about it.. what if that's your goal?? three years! counting, count down the days til your gone! make it your life time goal. make it something to be happy about something to make you keep going and living life without running away?? everytime you wanna cut think "wait!!! only (insert time left here) left till im gone!! i can do it, i can live then i'll be freeee!" wouldn't that be wonderful! and the day it comes true you can say"Yes!! i did something finally! i got through this, living at this house! i'm done!! and i did it! 3 years it took me but i've finally done it" and your either self harm free?

but if you do choice to cut or kill yourself, you won't be there in three years to say you made it! and that your free


this of living through this as a life time goal! cause once you hit 18 andyour done with school that goal has come true


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:44 AM

i'm not going to kill myself... i screwed that idea after the last attempt about a year ago.

i'm just tired of all this shit... i wonder sometimes if i could piss my parents off enough that they would do whatever they could to get rid of me.

not to be a creeper... but where do you live, katie?
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:46 AM

I live in michigan. and i don't think your a creeper. why do you ask??


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#15 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:49 AM

just seeing how close we lived i live in northern indiana. on another forum i go on we always talk about jumping on planes and hanging out with each other in florida and stuff.

it's quiet upstairs... finally...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:51 AM

yeah! i've got a group of friends on here and we live all over and we always talk about when we are all 18 that we will hang or even just now joking about coming to hang out, i've convinced them to come to michigan. but we joke about the good times we'll have and who will make a fool outta them selves. it's nice to have people to relate too that you don't know. that don't know you, or the person that you hide behind, it's nice to just open up to new people and become friends by what you have incommen that most people don't know about you.


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#17 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:54 AM

yeah. on the other forum we all live pretty far apart. today we were joking about flying to california and going to disneyland. hell, if i had the money, i would.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:57 AM

dude if i had that money i would, but my parents never let me leave the state. in two years for band we go to Disney World for a week! im happy excited get a week away! and in May we go 4 days to Mackinaw so im happy and excited all at once.


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#19 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 12:58 AM

lol. my parents went to mackinaw a few years back. they said it was really fun. dude.. i just wanna get away. thursday/friday weren't enough...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:00 AM

plan a trip with the girls! or something, like this summer or next break you have, see if one of there mom's wil take you guys to like a indoor water park! just spend the weekend with them, blow off steam make it a girls weekend! something, you atleast owe it to youself to have some fun!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#21 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:01 AM

lol. if my best friend gets home tomorrow i'll see if we can chill together... but idk if she'll be home... we seriously need to talk, though.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:05 AM

see that's what friends are for!!! my best friend and i go through the same thing pretty much so once in a while we'll hang and just go crazy!!! and it's fun, or i'll throw a party and just let whatever happen happen!! like this week im on break, parents gone at work, and my friends and i are going to the movies, then bowling then walking to my house! and i'll be open to anything (unless its bad) but just go with the flow! have so fun!!!

even if it's you running around in your underwear and bra and 3 in the morning! (idk just saying stuff, make this thread funny) just do something to get away for a day and just have a blast! you'll love it and wish you did it more often!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#23 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:07 AM

i would love to get away with her... we've been fighting too much the past week... but i don't think she'll be home until monday... fuck this. i hate it.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:09 AM

then make a goal!!! goals are fun! when you two are together you guys shouldmake a list of all the stuff you wanan do before you turn 18, or before school starts up next year. and see how much of it you guys can complete. my sister and her bff are doing that and they've got 4 months til they are outta school for good!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#25 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:13 AM

except my parents will probably be stupid again this summer and refuse to let us hang out. they think she's "a bad influence"... i'm probably influencing her more than she is influencing me.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:16 AM

yeah i know what you mean about that, my bff her parents think im a bad influence cause i got caught up with the wrong guy.. but im not! and it's something i've gotta prove to them, and im up for that challenage!!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#27 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:19 AM

hehe... her parents don't know much about me... but i really need to get to her house. i've thought about just riding my bike over there one morning and surprising mar... don't think my rents would be happy about that.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:21 AM

yeah.. but if getting away or atleast over ther will help you, then do it! cause you need a day out like NOW!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#29 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:23 AM

heh... but you see, she isn't home... so i can't...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:25 AM

i know.... go for a bike ride around your sub or whatever you live.. get some fresh air!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#31 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:27 AM

it's too late right now... tomorrow is going to suck... i'll probably have to get out of the house, then get in trouble for leaving...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 01:30 AM

yep. well i'll be on tomorrow for sure, so we can talk if you need to. we can Im if you want to. i have AIM so whatever you want, im here to talk!


~Katie

Isn't every girl's dream the same?
My head is in the clouds...
To have a boy who calls at
My heart is in the sky...
three in the morning, pours his heart out
My mind is in a dreamboat...
to you without a single hesitation
And you're the reason why
or second thought
.
Because sometimes you have to step
outside the person you've been and

remember the person you were meant to be.

The person you wanted to be.

The person you are.
   
  (#33 (permalink)) Old
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 06:43 PM

so... today was kinda okay...

in sunday school we've been talking about what would happen to a christian if they committed suicide... would they go to heaven or hell? we came to the conclusion that they would go to heaven... that one sin doesn't condemn us.
at one point we were talking about the guilt and shame those thoughts bring to a person... i wanted to speak out about my personal experience with that... but i didn't... it was a little too personal.

we went out to eat after church... my mom's birthday was friday, and my dad's birthday is wednesday... so my grandparents took us out to eat at Hacienda... great fun... except i ate too many chips... then after i was done eating i got so nauseated that i sat there with my hands over my mouth hoping to God that i wouldn't puke. ((i didn't, the feeling passed eventually))

**sigh** hopefully the rest of today will go well... i've already come close to cussing at people today (that shows you i'm not in a good mood) and who knows what will happen in the next 10 hours.

my dad has tomorrow off of work as well... so hopefully he won't say anything that drives me over the edge... i might just have to get away today... who knows...

**sigh**

-kaylyn
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 09:21 PM

ugh... my arms look so bad today. too many scars and healing cuts... i feel so horrible when i look at my left arm...
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 10:13 PM

well... my best friend just called and invited me to her house... but my parents pulled the whole "you need to plan ahead" crap. sometimes i just want to yell at them "fuck you!!! i need to talk to her!! i feel like crap... why the hell can't i go?". they just don't get it.

ugh... i hate when this happens.
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 15th 2009, 10:38 PM

I know what you mean about fathers than joke one minute and incur the power of the vortex of doom the next. You never know what to expect.. if he were all bad you'd steel yourself to hate him, but he's nice sometimes so he melts your resolve. It hurts every time because you never see it coming.

I just try to self-preserve. Get out of his way, don't talk back. Sit in my room and cope in a healthy way. I used to self-harm, too, but I (yes, I did) I found a ton of safe coping techniques on TeenHelp.

People like your father are hard to deal with. Feel better, ok? (Don't hesitate to pm me if you want to talk)


I am waylaid by Beauty. Who will walk
Between me and the crying of the frogs?

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Re: he's yelling again... - February 16th 2009, 04:49 PM

^ thanks.

Today hasn't been too bad. I persuaded my parents to let me stay at my friend's house last night... but the relationship betweenthe two of us didn't get anywhere last night. I wanted to talk... she didn't. I tried talking about my cutting... but she refused to listen. I clearly don't have her right now... so...

My father hasn't been too bad today. But it's barely 1 pm... so things could get waaaaaay worse in the next 9 hours.

ugh... I've already had one major mood swing today. I don't need another one. If I fall off my high mood... I'll probably not make tomorrow day 6. ugh... I hate this.

At least school starts back tomorrow and then I won't have to deal with my father for 8 hours that whole day. And there are people at school that I can talk to.

I'll be around here today....

-Kaylyn
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 17th 2009, 12:12 AM

I'm sitting here with only a couple hours left of my weekend feeling totally alone... And telling myself that cutting isn't the answer... even though I want to cut so badly right now. They've been healing too fast lately... The ones from Wednesday night that I thought were pretty deep are already unnoticeable. I wonder if I care about stopping. I just want someone to pay attention right now. My best friend doesn't give damn... my parents are off in their own little world... my brother is convinced that I think I'm perfect so he won't even talk to me.
Sometimes I just want to stand on a five gallon bucket in the middle of the hallway and scream "Do I look perfect? I'm not! The hell I'm not! How in the world could I be perfect with these self-inflicted scars!?" I want someone to pay attention. This empty void inside of me is eating me alive. I can't fill it... it's bottomless.


I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

el rescate no es un mito
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Re: he's yelling again... - February 17th 2009, 06:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rescueisnotamyth View Post
hey, i'm kaylyn

i've been a cutter for almost 2 years... awhile back i slipped from 254 days... and it sucked so bad because i felt like such a failure...

my father is my main trigger. he never hits me, but he does a good job of cutting me apart with his words, even when they aren't directed at me. the worst part is how he can go from screaming and yelling to laughing and cracking jokes in a split second. and every time talks about spirituality and God and the Holy Spirit, I want to yell at him and ask him if he really gives a care about me and what he is doing to me. sometimes i wonder if it would be better if he actually physically hurt me... physical crap is easier to deal with than emotional.

my best friend and her foster brother are cutters, also, and so it's great to be so close to someone who gets it, but it also sucks because sometimes you can't get away from it. right now i just want to cut so deep that everyone knows about my cutting... i hate my fucking family.

Hey Kaylyn.

Man, I can relate so well to this. My mum is almost exactly the same, I know it can be REALLY hard to ignore, but try your best and hang in there, try telling yourself that he's wrong.

Also, you could always tell him how you feel? You don't have to tell him about your SH if you don't want to, but you can say to him "Dad, you're words hurt me so badly. And it upsets me so much that sometimes it makes me want to hurt myselff" and see if he makes an attempt to change and be more considerate.

If you ever want to talk about it, you can PM me any time



~Where death is I am not, where I am death is not, so we never meet~


I'd rather die terrified

than live forever.
We will all die so gloriously, that having ever lived will seem like folly.
-Asofterworld

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Re: he's yelling again... - February 17th 2009, 08:19 PM

^ thanks hon.

ugh... today sucked so bad... back a few posts I talked about how my best friend didn't care... yeah... I was so pissed at her today. She only comes for half days... so I only see her in the afternoons, but I saw her and I just wanted to cry. She doesn't understand. I need her to be there for me. Her boyfriend is like me for crying out loud! She just refuses to talk about it... says I don't have any excuse for anything because I "grew up in a Christian home." ((Cory is convinced I'm agnostic... a new way to look at things, I guess)) So I was pissed off at her all day today...

then today we got our history tests back today... and I was happy because I thought I aced it... and I really need an A in that class... but as things would go I got an 87.9% or something and my mom still wasn't happy with my grade. She told me I still needed to do better. I just wanted to scream "FUCK YOU!" at her the whole way home... but I didn't... I really didn't feel like being grounded.

ugh... I just want to cut so deep right now... I want to bleed... I know I can't... but I want to... I'm just so apathetic. I want to see if I can get my parents pissed off at me... so I might cut my hair tonight. I'm pissed at them... let's just make the anger reciprocal.

anyways....

-Kaylyn


I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

el rescate no es un mito
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