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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
L'espoir Offline
I can't get enough
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Name: Jen
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Feelings and stuff - February 16th 2009, 06:06 PM

Ok so you dont have to reply to this really im just sort of rambling i guess but lately i have just been feeling very confused. I dont know if i want to stop self harming anymore because i have been doing it so long now and it feels like that is all there is for me, my life revolves around self harm and feeling low all the time. Im kind of scared that even if i did manage to stop, there would be nothing left for me. I think about it everyday even when im with other people i just imagine hurting myself in my mind. When i see blood or hear anyone talking about it it makes me want to hurt myself. Im not sure what i have done wrong but i just feel like a terrible person, like there is something inside me which knows im terrible so i deserve the punishment. There are times when i feel like i should just hide away from the world and stop talking to everyone, because they dont deserve me ruining things for them. I feel like i shouldnt be here, it feels wrong and like i dont belong. I feel sort of out of place and really, sort of, big? I dont know my body just feels so huge when inside i feel so small.
I dont even know if this is making sense because everything im thinking and feeling is all opposites and i feel so confused and frightened i never know what to do.. i dont know how to explain it. Everything just seems so... pointless? its just like, why bother? whats the point? I feel as if there is something on top of my head, weighing me down and stopping me doing anything. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and i hate it, i hate every part of me. I want to cry when i look in the mirror. I just dont know what to do with myself??? and i have so much homework (coursework) over the holidays and i really cant do it with this pushing me down... Im using every ounce of my energy to keep going

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Name: kaylyn
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Re: Feelings and stuff - February 16th 2009, 06:21 PM

Hello. The names Kaylyn, btw.

Reading your post... it struck me hard inside. I do the same kind of things. It's like SI or SH sticks with you all day... even when you really don't need/want to think about it. Even when you're around people, there's still that twinge inside of you that wants SH with every move that you make.

You're not a terrible person. I'm sure you're not. And you're not ugly. I haven't even met you... but I know you're not. I have never met a person that wasn't beautiful... beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.

And hiding from the world isn't going to do anyone any good. People are still going to do stupid things and ruin their lives even if you hide from the world. Things will keep going the way they are... they won't automatically get better or anything.

I know you're thinking that you don't have any strength left... but you do. And you have hope. Everyone has hope.


love ya hon...

I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

el rescate no es un mito
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
lauren_160 Offline
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Re: Feelings and stuff - February 16th 2009, 06:51 PM

Hey Jen, you're obviously going through a rough time at the moment.
Self harm always plays a big part in the harmers life, and its hard to not think about it, i know about it from experience.
I think you need to go and see your doctor and get proffesional help.
You don't deserve to feel this low.
Take care


"The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

"But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though Iíve been in dark places, Iíve survived and learned and become stronger".

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
*Jen* Offline
keep smiling :-)
Outside, huh?
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Re: Feelings and stuff - February 16th 2009, 09:31 PM

Hey Jen,
I just wanted to reply to this because I do care and I am sorry that things are not going very well at the moment. To give up self harming it has to be something you want to do. But maybe now is not the right time. Your not a terrible person at all. I think you are really kind and caring. You say you don't know what you have done wrong so you obviously haven't done anything wrong. Keep talking to CAMHS and telling them how you feel, because they are there to help you. You need to stop putting yourself down so much and looking at the the positive things. Don't give up; it will get better. You know where I am if you need to talk :-)
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