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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Unhappy Cutting deeper and deeper...help - August 24th 2010, 11:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

For the last three weeks or so, I've been cutting myself over this girl. It started off with using a miniature screwdriver to simply 'break' the skin - only occasionally did blood draw from this method. This tool lasted about...a week. Then I had my penknife confiscated (not for cutting reasons - my parents still don't know), so I moved on to something else - a similar, but sharper screwdriver. With this, I found that making myself bleed was relatively easy - I cut/slit my thigh upwards of 10 times this one night, with all of the cuts bleeding a small amount. During this screwdriver saga, I attempted (not all drew blood) to cut myself 186 times, all on my upper right leg (kneecap-thigh).

Then a few days back, I felt the urge to take it to the next level - I just wanted to bleed more, to let more of my emotional trouble out, in the form of blood. I picked apart a razor head (dissposable) and gently struck my right leg with the blade -even with the lightest of scratches, it bled. After a two days of using the razorblade on my leg, I sunk it into my upper right arm - the gash wasn't very deep, but a substantial amount of blood poored out. Surprisingly, I felt relief as opposed to pain xD

Anyway, I'm starting to worry that if I don't do something soon, I'll get addicted and feel the need to continually cut deeper and deeper in order to draw more blood.

What should I do? I've only told one of my closer friends about this and the advice he came up with was 'Stop it, she isn't worth it!'. Well, she is worth it - nobody has any idea what this 'crush' has done to me...

Apologies for the length of the post, it's just that my situation is rather complex ><;
   
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Re: Cutting deeper and deeper...help - August 25th 2010, 02:58 AM

I know what I may say may not help, and you may not really care, but just hear me out for a second...

I used to be a cutter; a self mutilator. I would get so frustrated over things such as failures in my life, that I started cutting. Like you pretty much said, it became addicting and I began to not notice the pain. Once I would become numb, I would cut deeper and harder.

I am not saying our situations are the same. They are different. We are different people and we have different experiences. All I want to say is that it is completely worth it to resist that urge. After all, when it comes down to the entire reason why you started cutting...this girl... don't you think she would want to be with a confident and self respecting guy.

You are a strong guy. I can tell. And I know you can go through with breaking out of your barrier you have created. It all comes down to you and your willingness to break out of the cycle you are caught up in.

You like this girl, and you have every right to like her. But what your friend said to you seems to have been misinterpreted. I think what he/she meant was that nothing is worth putting yourself in harm for. We need to take care of ourselves before we take care of others, and that goes for you as well. This girl is worth you time, but not the pain you are inflicting upon yourself. Nothing is worth that.

You also wrote that when you cut you felt relief over pain. I had the same thing. It was because you have control over (most) of your cuts, but you don't have control over this girl. Thus, we feel relieved that we have control over our life. However, think of how relieved you will be once you have controlled your cutting habits and controlled your self mutilation. Because that right there my friend, is true relief and success.
   
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Re: Cutting deeper and deeper...help - August 25th 2010, 03:00 AM

I'm sorry!
Well we all have different reasons for SH, things that bother us. I'm sorry she led you to do that though. :/

Well my advice, try to stop. Whenever you have the urge to cut, call someone, take a run, blare loud music, make plans with soemone, watch a movie you like. Distractions usually help.

But yes, if you continue liek that, you'll become kind of addicted. Like, it will be the only thing you feel that you can turn to. :/ Trust me.
Please stop while you're ahead.
If you need anything, feel free to PM me. Best wishes.
   
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