Triggering (SH): Can't stop.

[lost_soul]

I just can't stop cutting.

I want my blood to leak from my arm, I want to feel immense pain so I can forget about my emotional pain, and focus on the physical pain. I much prefer the physical pain over the emotional pain.

It's my means of forgetting just for those few minutes, or hours, or however long I sit there and dig my scissors into my skin. I can forget about EVERYTHING, even about how much I want to die, about all of the crap that goes on in my life. I just focus on those cuts. It helps me, it keeps me sane, even though most brand it as an insane activity.

Everybody around me thinks I'm SH free, all better and cured.
My counsellor let me cut ties with him because I fooled him, simply by cutting my hips and not my wrists.
They have NO idea how bad I am.

I think my mum's getting suspicious, and I'm worried that she'll figure it out. I can't hurt her again. She doesn't deserve anything like this in her life, it's not fair. And she doesn't understand me at all.

I should stop, but I can't stop and I want more. It's ALWAYS on my mind, driving me crazy, it's like a thirst.

I'm aware of how crazy I sound, but I need to let this stuff out. It's been in for so long.

Thank you for listening to me <3

[rat]

Hi Amy,

You don't need to thank us for listening, we want to hear and we want to help, please PLEASE don't think you sound crazy, I PROMISE how you feel doesn't make you crazy.
I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way, nobody deserves it. Also, I know that it doesn't usually help when someone says 'I know', but trust me when I say I understand - maybe not everything, but a lot of what you're going through.
Those thoughts, the ones that tell you you want to die, or you need to die - I've been there, I'm there more often than I would like. And the cutting, well, I understand the relief, the pain, the look of it and the feel of it, and I'm not going to try and ask you to stop because I know it's you trying to relieve your pain.
I really don't know if I'm helping here, i'm sorry if I'm rambling...but i'll carry on until I run out of things to say. Although I'm not going to ask you to stop, there are things to think about. My parents (and many of my friends) don't know that I sh, and that makes it worse because I can feel so SO stupid and crazy for doing it. What I would say is stay on this site - talk to people who understand and care, and don't judge, talk to me if you want to, i'm ALWAYS here. Otherwise, there's so much beauty to be found that can help relieve the pain...music? art? writing? there are alternatives to sh to try too.
Right, i reckon i've gone on for long enough, but here are some last thoughts:
You matter, people care and people want to help you. Hearing you talk about your pain has let me see your strength, and helps ME know I'M not alone. Please stay strong.

Take care,

Harriet xxx

[lost_soul]

Hi Harriet,

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me and your words weren't just ramblings, they were really, really helpful to me, and comforting in a way. I'm sorry that you've also gone through/are going through similar difficulties. I know you don't think I'm crazy and a lot don't, but, everybody in my life that knows seems to think it's stupid and crazy, which kinda hurts. I'm so misunderstood.

I guess if we just keeps fighting we'll make it through somehow.

Thanks so much