this sucks.

[vic]

so. yeah. i beat myself up. like essentially find sticks or other hard things and hit myself. i get bruises and once i accidently made myself bleed. i started when i was about 11 and did it til i was 14 then i started feeling guilty so i told my parents and then i just stopped. i didn't do it once for the longest time (but i started sorta play fighting a lot with my friends and got hurt a lot so i think it was just like a less obvious substitute). then last week a did it again (im in college so i don't live with my parents anymore). i also look(ed) at videos and stuff of ppl getting hurt and it gave me the same feeling. i don't really know why i did it. i do it when i feel sad, which is retarded because it always makes me feel guilty afterwards. it sometimes make me feel sexually excited (i think). i don't know what to do. i'm pretty much a masochist. i feel horrible about what i do. it sucks. i feel so messed up. i'm going to a counselor in january (cuz i'll b old enough that my parents won't find out). i just understand any of this. i hate this. this sucks.