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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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another day... another few mistakes... - February 24th 2009, 12:10 AM

Today in all my classes I just wanted them to be over. I just wanted to go home... and I just wanted to sit. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be seen. I wanted to drown myself in music and write... but I couldn't... I had to go to school. So I sat through all my classes and paid as little attention as I could. And in every single second I wanted to cut. I don't even know why... but in every class I had to shove the thought to make myself bleed from my mind.

And my best friend and I still haven't talked about anything that we need to work through... and I really need to talk to her.

And to top it off this morning while searching for a bandaid I found oxycodone and hydrocodone... and I really didn't want to know where those were... so now the temptation to take a few is waaaay too great.


I need you Jesus
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el rescate no es un mito
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 24th 2009, 12:25 AM

Aw,i'm so sorry
Well, I'm glad you were able to stop your from SHing in your classes. Thats a good thing

You really need to talk to your best friend. She will help you. When can you talk to her?

Oh, don't do it Kaylyn. You need to get those 2 bottles,and hide them from yourself. Give them to your parents, or something. Don't keep them where you know where they are. Because that won't help things any.

If you ever need someone to talk too, I'm here. *hugggg*


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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 24th 2009, 12:37 AM

The thing is... she really can't help me. She has no desire to. She's too caught up in herself and her "grand new school!" I'm so fucking sick of her school.

I really think I should go to a doctor about these mood swings... I just know if my parents would be thrilled about me getting diagnosed with a whole bunch of shit.

I'm not alone in the house anymore... so some of those temptations to take the whole bottle have diminished... but I still kind of want too... but I'm wondering if I wouldn't just end up in the hospital with some very angry parents and a whole lot of questions to answer.


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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 24th 2009, 12:43 AM

Oh That really stinks. Well do you have someone else that you can talk too about this?

Going to a doctor will help you. And I think its a good idea.
Well,your parents will have to get over it. Because the medicine will help you.
Do they know about you SHing now?


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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 24th 2009, 12:50 AM

I don't know how much my parents know. In 2007 my parents found out and I was sent to counseling... but I don't really know what they know right now.

I'm debating whether or not I should just ask my parents to set up an appointment with a psychologist. I wonder if they would even take me... but right now I really kind of want explaination and help.


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el rescate no es un mito
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 25th 2009, 10:42 AM

Hey Kaylyn! Yes i think its a great idea to speak to your parents and ask them for help. Its defiantly the way forward!!! =]!
You do need to get talking to your best mate.. someone to speak to is always helpful
PM me anytime or find me in chat!!
xx
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 01:05 AM

Yesterday a good friend of mine told me I had to tell my parents. And she told me that if I didn't tell her... she would tell them. First of all... I feel incredibly betrayed by that. She told me that she was free... so it was time for me to be free also...

I just don't know what to do.


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el rescate no es un mito
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 02:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rescueisnotamyth View Post
Yesterday a good friend of mine told me I had to tell my parents. And she told me that if I didn't tell her... she would tell them. First of all... I feel incredibly betrayed by that. She told me that she was free... so it was time for me to be free also...

I just don't know what to do.

I realise that there are feelings of betrayal, and I do understand what it's like to entrust a friend with a harmful secret (SH, suicide, etc.) and to then have them turn around and either tell an adult or threaten to do so should you not. Throw some anger in with the betrayal, maybe add a slap for a little bit of zing! and there you have it: a resounding cocktail of puzzlement and hurt. But what I - your friend, too - would like you to realise, or to try to understand, is that she's not doing this to hurt you. Her intentions are in no way to stab you in the back. She's not scared of your thoughts or your feelings or of you, more likely she's scared for you. She's basically taking matters into her own hands: if you won't help yourself, then she's going to do what she feels she needs to do in order to get that help for you. Though it feels like an act of betrayal, it is, in reality, an act of love. Chances are it's not easy for her, either. She could be putting your whole friendship on the line all to get you the help that you need and, frankly, really seem to want.

I would gather the courage (you could even have your friend there, if you need her, for some moral support!) to tell your parents, simply because what have you to lose? I do know what it's like to be scared of facing their reaction (it took me five years before I was finally broke enough to tell my mother enough was enough), their judgment and their anger, but again, you have to realise that their reactions are also a product of how much they care for you. When my mother found out I was cutting, she was, quite honestly, furious with me (she mellowed out very quickly; anger was only her initial reaction), but you know what? She wasn't so much angry as she was scared, as she was hurting for me, as she was concerned about my mental health and emotional well being. I imagine it's similar for your parents. They want what's best for you, no matter what it means for them, or they should, anyway, because regardless of what happens, a parents' love for their child is consistent and stable.

If you're scared they'll say "no," then try and calm yourself with that that's the worst they could possibly do. There's also the chance of, and I would hope it's the bigger chance, their saying "yes." When it comes down to it, you know what you need to do for you. There's nothing wrong at all with seeing a psychologist or another professional about what you're going through. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and having the strength to actually recognise that need for help is something that, in my opinion, should be praised, received, and honoured.

Good luck,
Elliotte


If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 02:51 AM

The thing is... I know they care... I'm just afraid of their reactions. What if my father takes out his anger on me? I just am not strong enough to deal with confrontation right now.

And I know she's not trying to stab me in the back... but she can't just give me three days to make this decision. It's kind of a big leap of faith for me.


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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 02:59 AM


Does your father get physical with you? And what about your mother, is there any chance you could speak with her alone?

As for the time your friend is giving you, perhaps you could sit her down and talk to her about how you need time to work up the courage to talk to your mother/parents? Maybe reassure her you will say something, you simply need some time to figure out how?

- Elliotte


If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
ℑDan Millman
   
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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 03:17 AM

poor thing, like everyone else said just sit and drown yourself in writing and music for awhile and find somewhere to hide those bottles if they're out of site hopefully they'd be out of mind. But talk to that friend i'm sure it'll help


You can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off. ~ Miley Cyrus




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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 26th 2009, 11:58 PM

No... my father has never physically hit me (well once... but I deserved it).

The only reason my friend is telling me I have to tell my parents is that her foster dad is basically forcing her to tell me that.

And today my friend's foster brother got the bright idea to tell my brother that I cut... I really don't want him to come home tonight. I'm so scared of what he'll say.


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Re: another day... another few mistakes... - February 27th 2009, 07:53 AM


NO ONE - I don't care who you are or what you've done - deserves to be physically mistreated. Its being "only once" is no excuse for his behaviour. He's a grown man and should know more than enough to control his physical temper.

Being said, my question was a bit ridiculous. Words can be every bit as cutting and deeply wounding, sometimes moreso. I did not mean, in any way, to minimise you or the way you feel about your father. I am not sure if that's the way I came across, but I would like to apologise if that's the way I sounded.

Seems the time is over now to advise you on what to do about your brother... I am sorry that he was informed, though I would be curious to know what happened, if anything. How did it turn out?

I still feel you should sit your parents down and talk to them about what you're going through. As I implied, if your father's that much of a threat, or if you know you cannot handle him at this point in time (only you know your own limitations), perhaps you could talk to your mother alone, and the both of you could brainstorm ways to tell your father?

My point of view is that if they set up counselling for you once before, then they should be willing to do it for you again.

Hugs,
Elliotte


If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
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