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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lady Stripey Offline
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once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 12:52 AM

I have been going through so much lately and it's getting harder and harder not to cut. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there in class and it just hits me like a bullet. My mind starts screaming and the only thing I can thing is shit, I need to cut, I need to cut, I need to see my blood running...That's another issue for me. I love the pain, but not only that. I like seeing myself bleed, like watching it well up and drip from my skin. I even love the scars. Scars to me are just beautiful I guess. Idk, I'm trying to butterfly thing but at the moment...well I'm not sure how long that's gonna hold me back for. I just want it so bad. I don't want anyone to think it's their fault, but my fiance always blames himself and tha I feel horrible. I just want it all to go away

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 12:55 AM

I've wondered this also.

And I also often have days like that.

And I don't think that you'll be stuck like this forever. If you over come this... yeah... you might slip back... but if you get the mentality that you'll "be stuck like this forever" then you won't stop. You won't see any point in stopping if you're just going to be stuck.

I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go?

el rescate no es un mito
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Hot Liquid Neon Offline
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 01:21 AM

I do believe that once youre a cutter, youre always a cutter. Like (well with me) the thought NEVER goes away, you just learn how to ignore and block it out. Its also who we are. Now, I know some people may find this stupid or possibly offensive, but whether we like it or not, cutting contributes to who we are. Once you get over it, you realize that its made you a better and a more understanding person. Let me make this clear, that this is no justification to start cutting. But for those of us who have struggled, and overcame cutting, we have become better and stronger. Personally, I may say that cutting was a stupid decision, but I do not regret and I won't deny having done it just because of the person it has made me.

I still struggle every now and again, as you do, and sometimes I actually end up slipping up.....but that is really my take on your question.

Good luck and stay strong.

I need to scream for you until my throat is numb..
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
TrustingThePain Offline
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 01:31 AM

I feel the same way sometimes, needing to see the blood, brain feeling like an etch 'n' sketch. But I'm in the future soldier program, and a mother of four, so I know I can't, but it's like my thoughts are yelling at me, and my arm aches for a cut. I'm glad for going through it though, cutting like I did, I wouldn't change having done it, even though it has made my getting into the military much much harder. It made me who I am. The struggle to hide it and then to overcome it. I needed that to be where I am today.

Let the attempting conception begin!
(In June 2010)

Military Spouse, Toughest Job In the Military!
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 02:11 AM

The desire to do it might be under there but you can develop alternatives that work for you, I think, and that helps a person generally stop.

I am waylaid by Beauty. Who will walk
Between me and the crying of the frogs?

(My PM box is always open.. if I can't help you, I'll find someone who can)
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 24th 2009, 02:21 AM

i completely understand how you feel; i struggle all the time with trying not to cut again.
for me, it's not the rush of seeing the blood, and definitely not the scars.
it's letting go of the feeling that everything i can't tell people that has been building up inside can be let out.

i don't think that you can ever consider yourself not to be a cutter. sure, you can find opportunities and may "grow out" of doing it so often. but when you have times where you feel really low, or really alone, you will still have that voice in the back of your head telling you to do it. with the help from friends and family, you can fight that voice, but it won't make it go away.

i know mine hasn't.

once upon a time i was falling in love. but now
i'm only falling apart... there's nothing i can do

[a total eclipse of the heart]
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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: once a cutter always...? - February 25th 2009, 10:39 AM

hey Kitty! hugs first. =]. I know how hard it is to stay away from SH... belive me. Its great though that you are trying your alternatives.. i have tried the butterfly method before and it helped me. I also love to see the blood etc.. and what helped me was i put some lines of red marker on my arm where i would usually cut and then ran it under water and it looks like blood. Give it a go hun =]
PM me or find me in chat
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