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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Metal♥Lover Offline
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Unhappy Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 04:20 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've only been SH free for six days now, but it feels like I've been struggling like this for years. I've tried everything to distract myself, release my [emotional] pain, give me a sensation...but nothing works. I've pretty much tried the entire Alternatives List and I see and feel no improvement. The pain inside of me is continuing to build up and it's only a matter of time before I explode. There's only so long a weak girl like me can take the pain before she isn't able to stand it anymore. And no, telling me otherwise is not going to help change the fact that I am w e a k. I really don't know what to do with myself...I've become so disgusted...I just want to slice myself open and watch all of the dirt and filth bleed out of me until I'm clean again. I'd talk to somebody, but talking makes me feel so much worse. I'd rather keep it all inside.

Please help me...


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 04:26 PM

Nooo don't start SH again! Please no.
Why does it make you feel worse when you talk about it with someone? Is it embarrassment?
You were so happy the other day.
I don't know how to help you really, cause I've never SH'd myself. I just feel helpless not being able to help you.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 06:24 PM

Nonono, don't give in! I know it doesn't feel like it; but you are SO much stronger than the urge. You are worth so much more than SH, and deserve so much better than it.
I've been through it too; just sitting there trying every alternative I can think of, and a lot of the time, nothing does compare. But just think of the way you feel a while after you've cut; that feeling of disappointment and regret, that sadness that comes flooding back worse than before. It's not worth it at all.
Why do you think talking makes it worse for you? I feel like, if you talk to someone who hasn't really been through it/can't really understand, it would make it worse because you feel corned and judged (even if they're not judging). It's hard to explain why you're SHing to someone who has never done it.
but, talking really can help hon. Please don't hesitate to send me a PM if you need to, okay? We all get weak, but getting by those weak moments successfully is totally possible. I believe in you!


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 06:51 PM

Skatergirl- Talking makes me feel worse because, like you said, I get extremely embarressed and humiliated. That, and because talking brings up so many bad memories for me and makes me want to cut even worse.

My_Hero- Actually, I'm not stronger than the urge at all. I tried cutting myself with a pair of kid's scissors last night. That's how desperate I am. Thankfully I didn't break the skin...but I was so pissed at myself last night because I couldn't do it and I almost screamed because the emotional pain hit me so hard. Like I explained to Skatergirl, talking makes me feel worse because it humiliates me and brings up too many bad memories.


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 07:17 PM

We all have 'Weak Moments' but it doesn't mean you are weak. Sometimes, you just can't cope, sometimes you can't cope for a long period of time, but never, does it make you weak.

If you dont feel you can talk to someone about your self harm - maybe you could try ringing up a friend and just talking about random stuff? To take your mind off things?

I know how hard it is to stop - but you have to try. 6 Days is nearly week - Make it a week? A week is nearly two weeks... You CAN do that! I believe in you, I believe you can do it.

Try and remember good times, happy times, times when you felt strong! And believe in yourself that you can feel strong again - just believe in yourself!

Have you tried over coming the bad memories? The trigger. Perhaps if you worked on what ever is triggering you to self harm you can eventually stop the self harm? I know it takes time, but you cant put a roof on a house before you've built the walls - its the same principle here.

Perhaps you could write all your bad memories down, let them out, then destroy them?

It's hard to know what to do or say when alternatives don't work.... and, I seem to be posting this a lot recently.... but I'm going to post it again anyway... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCFeNeqyHk

If you need to chat, PM me - don't even hesitate! I don't even mind chatting about random stuff if that helps you in anyway.
I believe in you April.
Take Care x


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 26th 2010, 08:56 PM

Hon, you as a person are a lot stronger. It may not show right now; but somewhere deep inside you have that strength locked away.
I totally get why talking would be worse. In the humiliation sense; talking to another cutter/former cutter would be nice, because you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about; they've been there, done the same exact thing. As to the memories.. well, memories are a pain. They're some of the hardest stuff to deal with =/ But maybe you can start to heal from them if you don't keep them suppressed and hidden away. It's hard to initially start talking about them; really really hard, but maybe as you go it'll get easier, and letting those memories out will help you to conquer them.


We all need somebody to lean on <3
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When the going's rough, you can be sure;
I'll tough it out, I won't give in. When I'm knocked down I'll get up again.
As long as my dream's alive, I Will Survive~
   
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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 27th 2010, 12:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by My_Hero View Post
Hon, you as a person are a lot stronger. It may not show right now; but somewhere deep inside you have that strength locked away.
I totally get why talking would be worse. In the humiliation sense; talking to another cutter/former cutter would be nice, because you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about; they've been there, done the same exact thing. As to the memories.. well, memories are a pain. They're some of the hardest stuff to deal with =/ But maybe you can start to heal from them if you don't keep them suppressed and hidden away. It's hard to initially start talking about them; really really hard, but maybe as you go it'll get easier, and letting those memories out will help you to conquer them.
I'm telling you, I'm not strong. If I were really as strong as you say I am then I never would have started cutting myself in the first place - I would have been able to deal with what I was going through without it. I know I don't have any kind of strength at all locked inside me, I've searched for it myself. Didn't find a thing. Wasted time of my life that I'll never get back by doing so. Yeah, I've pretty much given up on there being any kind of strength inside of me. If I had it then I would have found it by now. But I truely appriciate your believing that I do.

Anyway, I would talk to another cutter, but I don't know anybody who is. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about over the internet, I'm talking about in real life. But even if I did talk to another cutter in real life, I would still feel just slightly humiliated - true, I wouldn't feel as humiliated as I would talking to a non-cutter...but I would still feel humiliated. As for the memories, I don't think I could deal with the pain of sharing them, especially not now when it's such a vulnerable time for me. Believe me, I have a ton of horrible memories locked away. I keep them locked for good reason - so I don't have to go through the pain of sharing them with anyone. I'm going through terrible pain as it is, and adding on the pain of sharing my memories would overwhealm me, not to mention it would just make the SH urges much worse. besides, there's really no one i can share these memories with to get them out of my system.

Anyway, thank you for the advice. I appriciate it.


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 27th 2010, 12:11 AM

I can see how it would be embarrassing and bring up memories that you don't want to be reminded of, but sometimes if you tell just one close friend who you really trust it may make you feel better. Even though it may be really humiliating at first.
If it's really hurting you so much, I'm sure whoever you tell is going to understand. At least I would. I would not judge someone for whatever they told me. I would just be there for them, cause I know it hurts them so bad. Anything would be better than seeing someone go through so much pain, then SH to add onto that pain.
I wish you could find someone like that there.


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 29th 2010, 03:59 PM

Hey Hun, I've struggled with self harm myself, and the beggiining of recovery is always the hardest. For me and it seems like a lot of other serious self harmers, the alternatives list doesn't offer much releif. As others have mentioned talking to someone about random stuff might help, or just do something. When you're out and about doing things the urge will be easier to resist. I'm only 6 days out myself. It's hard and though giving in doesn't make you weak, it is the wrong decision. Don't think of how hard it is to not cut, think of how proud you'll be of yourself when you don't for a time period. It also helps to make goal times, or atleast it did for me. Forever without another cut might seem impossible, but maybe you could aim for a month? a week even?
   
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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 29th 2010, 04:46 PM

April, you went six days! That in itself if a cause for celebration. You should be so happy with yourself, and the face that you went six days shows us all that you are not weak, and that you're stronger than you think. I know that when temptation builds up it seems like it's so much bigger than you are, and it makes you seem so small, but you're not! Do you not realize the importance of going six days without self-harm? That holds so much strength and self-control in it.

Temptations are tough, and they all make us seem weak. What we need to realize though is that we're bigger and stronger than them. You resisted self-harm for six days, and the more days you go without it, the easier it gets to stop.

Please take care of yourself,
and I'm always open if you want to talk about anything.

-Kaylaaa. <3


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Re: Six Days Free...I Want To Cut Again So Badly... - December 29th 2010, 10:30 PM

woo hoo! 6 days!!!!! that's a huge accomplishment in itself! Just the fact that you can go that long proves you have strength
You said you'd already gone down your alternatives list, but, sometimes getting out of the house can help. Have you tried that? Like taking a walk, seeing a friend, something like that? Maybe you could call someone up to chat. What I do, is, draw on myself with red marker. It looks (sort of) authentic, but doesn't do any harm.

I really hope you're doing ok. If you need anything, you're always free to send a PM!

*hugs and love*


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