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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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punish? - February 25th 2009, 01:29 PM

okay so i was typing this and the computer went all weird so i have to type it again..

i'll just get to the point.

when i was a kid i was trained to expect pain and punishment when i would do anything wrong. it took gettingused to, but ears passed and it was something normal.

right now, my parents dont hurt me that often except for major things and i started cutting.

why?

well, whenever i do something wrong, i feel this intense build up of hate and i absolutely positively just have to hurt myself someway and "punish" myself. like burning my hair. well one time i put my hand in between the door and its side and close dthe door... BAM! you get it.

and i do this coz if i dont i panic from the freedom i realize at having no one to punish and discipline you which should be really happy but no i get scared, crack up and cut.

and i try to stop but i cant/ the feeling grows more intense if i dont hurt myself.

and i cant tell anyone since i knew my parents meant well and i dont want them to be in any trouble but now im losing friends from the weirdness. people think its funny when you feel like making yourself bleed or biting yourself and i laugh along to ignore the feeling

it doesnt work

help?
   
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Re: punish? - February 25th 2009, 02:00 PM

Hiya,

Seems to me you've got into a bad pattern. A bad pattern that you dont need to be in.
I also have the same feelings, intense anger towards myself, if I do something good I have to be punished. If I do something wrong I have to be punished.

What you might need is CBT or Anger Managment, because if you cant stop by yourself, you deserve the help. Especially if you want to be helped, which sounds like you do.

Is there a teacher or counsellor you can talk to, because its not right that you have to suffer by hurting yourself.

Your parents shouldnt have treated you in the way that they did. & you need help to overcome that. - Even if they did mean well.

Good luck & please try & talk to someone one

Jamie
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: punish? - February 25th 2009, 02:43 PM

hey hun... man i really get what you're saying.. i started SH because of self punishment as well..
you deserve better than this.. is there anyone you can talk to? it's not abnormal or unusual for you to think like that, but it is harmful, and you know it. one day you might go too far
you're a person, a human being, and we're all imperfect. don't let anything or anyone stop you from relieving yourself of selfhatred...
take care!



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the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: punish? - February 25th 2009, 04:55 PM

Hey; I'm sorry you've fallen into this pattern, I know how it feels to *have* to punish yourself because nobody else will...but you deserve better than this. No one expects you to be perfect, or to get through this without any outside help. If you haven't already, please talk to an adult (or better, a counselor or doctor) to arrange whatever treatment you (and they) think you need. Therapy can help you start to get out of this mindset, and it's really important that you want the help so I'm glad it sounds like you do. PM me if you want, I hope this helps!

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When you say "always", I'll say "true"
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Re: punish? - February 25th 2009, 08:05 PM

This is an awful pattern to fall in to, but it is understandable. You learnt from a young age that bad things = punishment & pain. Its something that can really stick in your head depending on how much it affected you.

I can understand how you feel, I used to get 'punished' a lot when I was younger and now if I do something wrong, I want to hurt myself.

I do suggest that you tell someone though, you're hurting and you dont deserve that. I dont think that your parents would get into trouble, they may need to see that what they did had a bad effect on you, even though they meant well.

x
   
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Re: punish? - February 26th 2009, 12:15 PM

this morning.. it sucked it really seriously .... i hate.. it.... we were having math... and well i wasnt able to answer the teacher's question and... she told me how careless iwas with something in the process and then and there it just came out... and before i knew it i was stabbing my hand with a pen.. in front of the class...

in front of the whole class!

and well after i just calmed a bit and i realized how badly my hand was hurting and everyone was just looking and the teacher was all.."Hunni,..are you okay? Stop it." and well...

now i feel like such an idiot..

and i wished i just.. went and killed myself or something..
   
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Re: punish? - February 26th 2009, 01:01 PM

You were in distress, you didnt know what you were doing. Of course it must have felt awful for people to see you like that.

You dont need to kill yourself at all, maybe next time just walk out, breathe a bit, calm down. I'm sorry you're feeling bad at the moment.

x
   
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Re: punish? - February 26th 2009, 01:07 PM

my school doesnt have a counsellor and everyone in my family considers talking about mental problems a taboo. they deny that im not perfect because we're all perfectionists... so im stuck now... with this... with what happened.... and i want to hurt myself more.... i just made my boyfriend cry awhile ago because i told him to please hurt my really badly and he said he felt so bad seeing me that way and that he couldn't do anything and everything sucks....

i hate this... and the pattern is repeating over and over... its been like that for the past few hours... i have a phone nearby just in case.. but no one's home and i just locked myself from everything...
   
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