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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 02:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been struggling with SI for six years today. I thought I would write about it, because there's always something stopping me from getting better. I think it might be the fact that I still hide it like my life depended on it, when it's the complete opposite. I should be more open about my past habits and lifestyle choices, because I know that's the only way I'll honestly get better. I found out that my best friend is burning herself, and my girlfriend wanted to commit suicide before she found out that I wanted to be with her. I felt selfish. I told my friend that burns about myself (a few months ago), and how it scares me when she does it. She hasn't done it since. And for the first time in over five months, I had an incident. I'm more or less afraid of myself. For example, a month or so ago, I was having a bad day and was fighting with an ex. I accidentally burned myself with hot glue in class, and for some reason, I couldn't convince myself that I didn't deserve it.

So my questions start. Is it wrong for me to find the cuts and scars beautiful? Like, not in a personal way... But on anyone that isn't me. It's triggering to see other people's SI scars, but I think it is beautiful. To be able to share such a personal thing, and show others that it is not ugly. But then I think of the stories of mine, and I don't feel very beautiful. I also wonder how some people have so much control over that control, and I have none? Six years, and I still can't help but get anxious and have urges.

I started cutting six years ago when I used to drink and smoke with friends. Sex, drugs, alcohol... And the cutting was their way of knowing that they were still there. After a few weeks, I did it just to see if it was worth it, and it stuck with me. I know that it's not worth it, but my arms burn and itch when I try to ignore the urge. It became my way to cope, and only three people, not including my girlfriend, have ever known about it. Six years of keeping such a terrible secret.

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Re: Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 05:53 AM

i dont think its wrong to think its pretty or whatever, alot of the times i cut i always did it for scars, i loved getting new scars, and no i dont think theyre pretty, i think my arms and legs are so ugly, but if u do i dont see why it would be wrong, ur seeing someones pain, i guess it could be a miraculous thing to enjoy seeing.
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Re: Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 06:06 AM

It's not wrong, that kinda thing is completely personal..
To be able to share such a personal thing, and show others that it is not ugly
I really relate to this, I've known loads of other people that self-harm and I think your right, in some ways in amazing, beautiful that they're not ashamed like I often was. You are right in thinking that you need to break this secret out to manage to recover from it properly, plus you'd have more support to help you cope anyway.. Don't try and fight this alone when you don't have to. There are always people /things that can help and can help support you.

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уσυ ℓєт υѕ 3rd мαян 2011.
ι ωιℓℓ мιѕѕ уσυ σяєνєя 3

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Re: Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 06:30 AM

I don't think it's wrong of you to find others' scars to be pretty so long as you don't find fresh cuts to be that way because that implies that you enjoy their pain rather than their openness.
I do think that you should talk to your girlfriend about your cutting though, it sounds like you don't any more (a slip up every few months doesn't really count, everyone slips occasionally) but you're still, like me, struggling with triggers from just seeing scars or objects and having that burning feeling...I get it all the time, I'm getting it now, and trust me, it helps to be able to talk to someone about it.

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Re: Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 10:20 AM

I actually really identify with you on this one. To actually show your cuts, not hide them and be ashamed is something to be proud of. It shows that you're strong in a different way. Sure, you may hurt yourself, but that's only one part of you. I've never hidden my cuts. They're a part of who I am--same as my hair color or height. I'm proud of who I am, who I've become. I refuse to hide any part of me.
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Re: Wrong but beautiful - January 5th 2011, 06:40 PM

Thank you. I've just never known anyone, besides those friends I first got involved with, who thought they were beautiful. A lot of people criticize me for thinking that way. It means a lot that I'm not the only one. aha.

Originally Posted by Nightmare View Post
I do think that you should talk to your girlfriend about your cutting though.
The only thing about showing my girlfriend is that she's the kind of person who will hide a lot, but when you tell her something on this magnitude, she'd go straight to a parent, or higher authority, and tell them. I don't have a fear of my parents knowing, I have no fear of going to therapy, but I know it will never work. I've been there, and it has always made things worse for me. In a weird, twisted way, therapy and having somebody question me so thoroughly was one of the worst triggers.
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