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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:05 AM

Hi guys,
I just wanted to know, when you cut yourself for the first time, were you scared as hell, or did you go right ahead and do it? The reason I ask is today I cut myself for the first time. I knew I really really wanted to do it, but when I actually had the razor in my hand and on my skin, I was trembling and sweating so hard. But when I was in class, or just walking around, I would get urges to do it, and I could easily imagine myself cutting pretty deep. Anyway, I gave my razors to my therapist today, so it's less tempting. Just wanted to hear about your guys' experiences.

Last edited by Perplexity; February 26th 2009 at 01:29 AM. Reason: Added 'triggering' prefix to thread.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:15 AM

If you can change it by editing your post, I would make this triggering. Just FYI. If you can't, then I'm sure an admin/mod/someone will do so.
Anyways!
The first time I did... My mind was empty. It seemed to happen so fast and I barely have any memory of it now because I've tried to block it out.
I remember getting whatever I used out of a sewing thing and was so desperate that I couldn't actually get much of a cut with whatever I used that I found something else and don't remember what it was.
I remember directly afterwards though. Once I realized what I had done and what had happened. I freaked out. I probably started crying and just panicking.
(This is why I would make the topic triggering because this could be extremely hard for someone to remember)



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Last edited by KoKoEm; February 26th 2009 at 01:17 AM. Reason: Thought font was too small.. It's bugging me
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:18 AM

k becca i'm sure you've heard the lecture about not doing it. If you're going to a therapist you must be getting told this a lot, especially if you gave them your razrs, so this is just me saying please dont do it again. Its so not worth it, babe, believe me.

ok i don't want to go into detail because i dont want to say anything i shouldnt especially if it could be triggering. I'll keep it vague.

For me I was hurting so much on the inside. I had a lot of problems in my life mostly dealing with my sexuality. I was overwhelmed with every type of emotion that I couldn't handle them anymore. I felt completely numb so i decided to force myself to feel something again. I wasn't afraid. I couldn't feel anything anymore. All I could remember was the blood and the pain and the "release" i thought it gave me. Turns out all it did was make me feel worse. The guilt starts to get to you. You try to cover up the scars, you have to hide them from people. If you're me you have to eventaully show your parents and that hurts even worse.

So I know this was an inquiry but do me a solid and find other ways to release whatever you need to, PM me if you need to, I've done it and I caught it quick, I'd like you to do the same.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:19 AM

my first time cutting... I don't really remember. I mean, I remember going into the bathroom... and coming back out. I hugged my mom good night and pretended everything was okay... and made sure my sleeves were pulled down all the way... but I don't really remember. I do remember that it made me feel the way I wanted it to, but that feeling didn't last for very long.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:25 AM

Becca,
I'm going to throw something else in here from me saying all the stuff about it being triggering.
After I said that, I realized that you are new, and have not posted much. I know that you may not realize what that is/means.
So, don't worry about it for now. I'm sure someone will get it.
Em

PS: I'm playing with fonts to see what I like best. That's why both of my posts are in different fonts.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:26 AM

Hey, I don't know how to mark it as triggering. If u guys can tell me how to do it, i would

For me, my problem is that I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems, besides my therapist who i see only once a week. I feel so much anger at the world, at everyone around me, and i don't know who to rant to. I just want to "do something about it" to show people how much I'm hurting. But since no one will hear me, I just want to express my anger privately. I'm usually good at not doing things I'm not supposed to be doing, but when I suppress my hurt like this, my head hurts so much.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by rmys299 View Post
Hey, I don't know how to mark it as triggering. If u guys can tell me how to do it, i would
I'm one of the moderators of this forum and I will mark your thread as 'triggering' for you. EDIT: done.

I will reply to your thread properly tomorrow when I get home from school when I have time because it's time for sleep in England.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 01:39 AM

that was my problem. I didn't talk to anyone. I felt like no one could hear me, like I could stand up in a crowded room, scream, and no one would even look up. It just built up, I was so pissed at everyone especially myself. I had this pent up energy that just kept stirring in me, I was restless.

I journaled, I joined a gym to exert energy, and I talked to anyone who would listen. Gather as many people as you can around you, a support system, people you can call at three o clock in the morning when you feel the urge to SH. They would rather you call then see you hurting. That sort of thing. Just don't stop talking.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 04:34 PM

Hi there, Becca. First of all, kudos for giving up your razors! It's a tough thing to do, but it's so great that you recognize that this is a problem and are trying to fix it. You will go far in your recovery. =]

The first time I cut, I had no fear. Self-harm was something I was already accostomed to...I began biting myself when I was very young as a way to cope with anxiety, so I didn't see a problem with cutting. SH has always been the norm to me, so I was quite unfazed by my first cut.

Good luck with everything, and thanks so much for sharing. <3


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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 04:50 PM

I was young and I's read about people coping by using self harm. I didn't really understand it all so I wasn't scared. I only used scissors the first time so it didn't really hurt or bleed so I wasn't really nervous about what to do after either.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 04:59 PM

I started scratching in my arms and biting my nails in class and realised that it helped, then it went onto marking myself with a compass. I can't remember where I heard about actually cutting but I was in tears one night so I guess I just lost control and tried it...


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  (#12 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 05:54 PM

To be honest, it happened so quickly i just picked up some scissors, and next thing i know.. it was over and i felt so much better.

5 years later here i am =\


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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 06:15 PM

I really didn't think about it much. I just went in the shower and did it.
   
  (#14 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 06:29 PM

Congrats on giving away the razors...I recently gave away my main tool and though I still get frustrated, if you take away the really dangerous stuff it forces you to think more before you can do the same amount of damage.

I strongly agree with the posts about getting support: one way to really help yourself is to get a person/therapist who you can vent to when you're feeling low. Having someone who knows what you're going through is a great comfort; even though it's YOUR task to stop, at least you can talk about it.

I don't really remember my first time, only going from digging in my fingernails to taking home a pin one day from a sewing kit without having any real purpose in mind. When the marks from my hands started to fade, it took more pain for me to stop concentrating on being low.

Something that I'm trying that may help, or not idk, is the Alternatives sticky at the top of this section...even if the methods themselves don't work for you, make yourself read the list when you *want to* and make yourself go all the way through it before doing anything. Sometimes you'll have calmed down by the time you finally finish the list; they're helpful that way.

Be strong, dear, and good luck- as everyone else has said, I truly hope you don't get trapped in this.


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  (#15 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 06:40 PM

i was quite scared but i really wanted to do it and now that i've done it i keep wanting to do it again. I've only cut a few times but it's getting to be less of a frightening experience for me. its not really the cutting i was afraid of. it was wether someone caught me or found out and what they would say to me about it.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 07:37 PM

I first cut my self a few months ago, I have a hard life, before I did it I never thought Id do it, I thought people were so stupid doing it and I thought they were just attention seeking. But at this paticular time I was feeling so low and heard something about it, and while I was shaving my legs, I just had such an urge, so went straight to it and cut my self on my wrist. Then for the next days I couldnt stop my self from doing it over and over again, it felt so good, i felt like I was in conrtol, and that it made life better. Then after a while people started to ask what the cuts on my arms were so I stop doing it for a while, then today my best friend just told me that she cut her self, and I felt so bad because it was me that put the idea in her head, if I hadnt cut my self then shed never have thought about it. So I cut my self again, and so I joined this forum to let stuff out of my system.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 07:40 PM

Yes I feel like that too, Im not scared at the thought of cutting my self, I dont want family/loadsa people at school to find out/
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 07:46 PM

I really can't remember how I felt for the first time; it was so long ago. I don't think I was really that scared. I'm a recovering self harmer so I no longer harm myself.

Well done on handing over your razors to your therapist. That's such a brave thing to do and I think your really strong for doing so. It will make self harming less tempting.

Stay strong and take care.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 08:11 PM

Hey Becca,

It's really great that you handed in your razors to your therapist, you should be proud of yourself. It takes a lot of courage.

The first time I cut, I was about 13 and out of fury, in an argument, I got really upset and went into the bathroom with a pair of hairdressing scissors. I was very childish as I made a big deal that I was cutting myself to my parents. I was nervous, I didn't realise what I was doing. I just wanted to show how much I felt hurt.
I still self harm to this day, however my parents do not realise/know this and I do now know what i'm doing. It really wasn't a good idea.


Stephanie
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 10:00 PM

Well first I want to say that messing around with knives wasn't anything new for me. I would always flip my knife up in the air and catch it. While I was pretty good at it there were a few times that I would miss and end up slicing my finger or my hand open. So I was pretty much to the point of where I didnt even think about it. It was just another cut. Well the first time I cut intentionally I cut on my palm and I liked it. I basically have insane anger issues and even tho I try to find ways to control it, I usually end up blowing up at the people that are around me, unfortunatly being the people that I care about and that care about me. I started cutting because I was sick of hurting the people that I love and so decided to hurt myself. At first my hand would sting, but soon that wasn't enough. I had to do it more and more until my entire hand was criss crossed with cuts. But the problem now was that I was addicted to the pain. I loved the feeling of my skin getting cut open and I couldnt stop. So it got more and more severe until It was so bad that I was making pretty big scars on my arms. I have managed to stop for about 2 months but It's so hard to keep from starting up again. If anyone wants to cut or has started please stop or don't even start. If you get to the point that I was at it becomes so hard to stop.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 26th 2009, 10:45 PM

Good on you for giving up SH!
Well. For me, it was probably...just on a day-to-day basis, I found myself biting my nails to the quick and pressing them down. It made me feel more relieved. Things escalated and ended in a bloody nose a few months down the line. I did it for 3 years. Clean for about two.


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  (#22 (permalink)) Old
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Re: First time cutting - February 27th 2009, 04:23 PM

Hey becca!! Its a very very good idea to give your blades to your therpist.. because SH is VERY addictive and once you get far enough in its very diffcult to stop. Please please dont SH again, belive me, it will rule your life. Please stop now that your ahead.
PM me anytime about anything.. even just a silly lil chat =]
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Re: First time cutting - February 27th 2009, 05:15 PM

When I first did it..I actually didnt freak out till after cuz I didnt know how I was going to hide it from my parents ...I wasnt scared when I was doing it just after
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Re: First time cutting - February 27th 2009, 08:48 PM

I dont really remember a time where I havent been hurting myself in one way or another, life, not scary. Relief. But uncontrollable.


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Re: First time cutting - February 27th 2009, 09:00 PM

I did it only once. I was playing a online RPG game and my online gf of 7 months dumped me for another guy. I cried a little that day and I stabbed myself on my wrist with a kitchen knife. After the deed, I realized that it was for a very stupid reason and I felt ashamed and not a drop of relief swelled up inside of me. I was 100% ashamed of myself and for the longest time I used to bash people at school for cutting themselves, because I thought if I did it for a very stupid reason, then their reasons for self-harming must also be ridiculous. Thankfully I got over that breakup right after the stabbing of my wrist. I still think people that will do self-harm is a bit.. Ridiculous, but I will put my heart and soul to help people to see reason.

I pray for you that you will see the error of your mistake, and to forgive yourself for being only human. To be human is to make mistakes, learn, and be better for one's self. I also pray that this will be your only time you do self-harm, rather than it escalate to worse.

*hugs for you* Peace and Love.
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 27th 2009, 09:03 PM

I just did it. I wasn't scared, I just did it.


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Re: First time cutting - February 28th 2009, 08:08 PM

mi 1st time i saw it on a movie honestly so i wanted to try it an i was really scared but once i cut for the 1st cut it was lik idk herion lol but yea after that day i did it alot and it took awhile for me too stop but i did but i dont think you should start the scars n hiddingitis a hassel but if you wana talk PM me


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Re: First time cutting - February 28th 2009, 10:34 PM

I remember trying to scrape myself back in September, because school was getting to me and I was so envious. To top it all off, someone squealed about the guy I liked at the mall, and in less than a week, the popular girl took him. I haven't seen him since November.

Then, in early November, my dad abused the hell out of me. Pulled my hair because of bad grades, got angry at random intervals when he was feeling okay just minutes before, and threatened to KILL me just because I didn't lock my bike up. I didn't lock it up because when he brought me home from school, I took it to an ex-friend's house because my dad was fighting with me in the car, and I wanted to escape for the rest of the night.

My mom had no sympathy and said, "Well, he just wants you to be happy." So threatening your daughter makes her happy? What the hell kind of treatment is that? You can't FORCE someone to be happy, but my parents differ on that statement...

When I was locked in my room, I was even contemplating how to jump out the window and run away to a friend's house. Then I tried cutting my hair, but it was thankfully too thick. Finally I decided to grab the scissors, and when I showed my mom the cuts, she had a mental breakdown and promised she'd help make me feel confident again.

4 months have passed, and she still hasn't helped. So, I get impulses now and again...
   
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Re: First time cutting - February 28th 2009, 11:18 PM

Hmm... the first time I cut, I was so upset that I wasn't thinking about anything rationally, I just blindly reached out and did it. I sort of got somewhat afraid of what I was doing the first few times after that... but somehow that meant I wanted to do it more, after I got more used to it and relaxed about it, it wasn't as much of a pressing need.



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Re: First time cutting - February 28th 2009, 11:28 PM

The first time I cut....hmm.
I remember being really angry. I wasn't scared, it seemed like the right thing to do. And as soon as I did it, I felt a hell of a lot better.


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I turn my head to the west… still nobody in sight
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The old me is dead and gone, but the new me will be alright

   
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Re: First time cutting - March 1st 2009, 12:15 AM

It was more of scratching for me. I was sad and kind of hurt... and I guess I just wondered how it would feel, if it would be a relief like people had told me.





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Re: First time cutting - March 1st 2009, 02:16 AM

I'm sorry guys
I just got another razor and I did it again. I wasn't scared this time because I knew it was what I wanted. I don't know who else to tell. I can't tell my therapist because she'll only get disappointed in me, just like u guys are probably also dissappointed as well.
   
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Re: First time cutting - March 7th 2009, 03:16 AM

Its that very first time that you do it that releases a human being inside you that you never knew existed.I remeber i was just in tears and did it in anger.The more it hurted the more i went and went.It was more of a anger thing.I remember i was in tears and the first like 2 or 4 cuts hurt but then i had this anger sensation rush and like i said just went and went.Its only after your done that you actually realise what youve done.And when i saw the blood i was scared as hell.I just ran straight to the tiolet rolled a thick roll around my hand and pressed it against the wound and sat in the locked bathroom for atleast 45mins to get over the shock of what ive just done.
   
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Re: First time cutting - March 7th 2009, 12:55 PM

Becca,
I'm sorry that you felt that you had to cut yourself again. I think that maybe reading all of our responses didn't help... going through exactly what they are describing and having that reiterated back in a way that's very real for you right now is probably triggering.

You should tell your therapist. She won't be mad, or disappointed, and neither am I. I'm sad for you, Becca, and scared. You've heard these people's stories. For some of them, cutting brought instant gratification; for others, they regretted it immediately. Either way, may of them ended up cutting or self harming continuously throughout their teenage life.

This is not the way to go. It's good that you have a therapist, who you should keep updated on your cutting and urges to self harm. I want to tell you about one of my experiences, and I hope that it doesn't trigger you:
The last time I cut, I did it because I wanted people to be able to see what I was feeling. I kept trying and trying to express myself, tell people how upset I was, how depressed I was, and nobody heard me. So I needed to MAKE them hear me.
Then I got better. I'm now on a very low dose of antidepressants, which helped me feel better very quickly (this is not the case with everyone/every antidepressant). And now I'm stuck with these scars all up my arm, telling everyone how I USED to feel. If you can get better, without getting worse first, you won't need to be stuck with the scars that create awkward scenarios and questions you won't want to answer.

I really hope that you can overcome this, Becca, because honestly, it's a shitty thing to get stuck in.

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Re: First time cutting - March 7th 2009, 01:34 PM

God the first time.... that was so long ago, I remember being a little scared at the fact people in my life had pushed me this far, to harming myself being the only visible option of help, but I also got a great adrenaline rush from doing it.
But my advice is don't start it. If you don't start it you don't have to stop it.
And I think anybody who self harms will agree that's one of the hardest things to do.


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Re: First time cutting - March 7th 2009, 01:41 PM

Well Hun, to me i was different, i just went ahead and cut.. But see after the first time of cutting i got really into. that every day i would cut.. And then after about a year of cutting i went and cut to deep. i needed 10 stiches. and i have a 2 inch scar on my left arm for it.. I have been clean for 1 year and on the 23rd of this month will make 3 months. I just wish you could see it from our point of view.. Cutting is not the answer.. and even tho you think it is the best thing to do, it isnt... honey please remember this day, because TH is here for you.. we want you to put all your heart out in this site.. That is why it was made.. For everyone with feelings.. and i know that it may be hard to believe but one day, you will be someone.. WORTH EVERYTHING... so just remember i am here for you.. just message me if you need to talk.. my inbox is always open.
   
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Re: First time cutting - March 7th 2009, 02:59 PM

After using SI 9self injury) as a coping method for a few years I just remeber sitting in my room drinking and then it just kind of hit me that id need to do it to cope which was obviously wrong.
Im rather though do I did as many cuts as I could as much as I can before it go to much i showerd and then coverd up
thats where the cycle began
but after over a year without it i wouldnt advise any one to use it as a coping method
i was 11 it took me untill i had gone 18 to fully stop
   
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Re: First time cutting - March 8th 2009, 03:32 AM

My first time...
I'd just broken up wth my boyfriend..
I felt really bad.
I decided to cut.
I dont know why because I hadn't really heard about cutting.. etc before.
I wish I hadn done it.
2 years on and i'm still in the same position as I was .. =/


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Re: First time cutting - March 8th 2009, 03:45 AM

I don't really remember, but I think I had thought about it for a couple minutes before I actually did it and then it just...happened.
   
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Re: First time cutting - March 8th 2009, 03:49 AM

Oh and heyy..
I didn't say this earlier..
But If you can STOP cutting .... It would be much better for you in the future.
Self-harm is EXTREMELY hard to stop.
I suppose it would be easier to stop if you haven't done it that much.
So, a little of advice, Yano, if I could, and if i was you, I would have stopped before it got too hard to stop.
SH is really really DIFFiCULT to Stop.


PM me if you want to talk more, I would be happy to talk to you.


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Life is great!

   
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