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Question Scared and Confused - January 12th 2011, 04:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been struggling with depression for quite some time now. And it had gotten better when I had a boyfriend and amazing friends and everything was just going great. But he broke up with me twice about a little over a year ago and then this past June we were getting back together until he changed his mind so he could date my best friend (who i then had to live with for a week while parents were on vacation). A few months after that rumors began to spread that I am a slut (I'm a virgin) and I quickly lost all of my friends. Except one of them who was dating my current best friend, Marisa (I lost his friendship soon after because of being a bitch for the shitty things he did to my new best friend).
Anyway, with being depressed I needed to find a way to be happy. I was desperate. So, I started to watch porn (this happened around the time I was 13, before everything I previously mentioned). I'm 16 and I've kept it a secret for 3 years until telling two of my closest friends. I've always wanted to stop, but never had the will-power I guess. I recently decided to try though. And after that decision was made I became friends with my Ex-Boyfriend.
As usual, I fell for him again and we talked about getting back together. He decided it'd be a bad idea. Gave me some bull-shit reasons as to why (I later found out it's because he wants a fuck-buddy). And he was texting my best friend a lot about her cutting (he used to cut) and how she needs to stop and that he's concerned about her. She'd tell me that they talked everyday, I had hardly talked to him. This made me sad, jealous, and just pathetic. I couldn't bare the thought of him getting together with another one of my best friends. This idea drove me into depression even further. I'd watch porn but then just feel even worse after that short moment of happiness. So, I started to cut.
I've been 'scratching' myself with random sharp objects for quite sometime whenever I was bored, lonely, angry or, sad. So for the first time I grabbed a pair of scissors hoping to cut myself. I broke a little skin, but nothing too serious. I told my best friend about me cutting. She got worried and told my ex. I finally got the attention I wanted from him. But my other close friend now thinks I did it for EVERYONE's attention. Which is not true.
It's been a couple weeks since I started SI and I've cut 5 times. This past time deeper, with a knife. I carved words into my leg. I kinda hope that they scar, but I also hope they eventually go away. I don't want my parents to know.
Even though I'm currently 100% over my ex, I've been cutting because I miss the friends that left (one in-particular too).
I feel pathetic. I know I'm over-reacting to all of this. I need to get over it.
I'm afraid that I'll get even more addicted to not only porn, but SI.
Any advice?
   
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Re: Scared and Confused - January 12th 2011, 10:24 AM

Hey, that's alot to be going through at once. Here's the best thing I can think to tell you. First off, you absolutely did the right thing by telling your two friends about the porn. That must've taken a lot of courage. As far as the cutting, did you start because you were jealous of your friend and wanted your ex's attention or because you had an urge bto hurt yourself? If it was the first, you need to just try talking to him instead of scarring him so he has to talk to you immideately. His attention isn't worth hurting yourself over honey. Even if it seems worth it to you now, it's not true. Your safety is more important. Also, as you said, cutting gets addictive. If you were cutting out of an urge to feel pain, how come?


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Re: Scared and Confused - January 12th 2011, 05:53 PM

I was cutting because I had the urge to feel the pain. The first time I ever did it was partly for the reason of his attention, but also because I just wanted to feel the pain. I know that his attention isn't worth injuring myself over. But, it's still a part of the reason why I started.
I got really depressed again last night because I had given in to watching porn again and a few other things happened and I felt like I had to cut, so I gave in. I usually don't regret it this soon after but I regretted it immediately. I've only done it 6 times now, but I'm afraid I might be already addicted?
   
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Re: Scared and Confused - January 12th 2011, 06:17 PM

It's really addictive honey I know but the more you do it the harder it'll be to stop and the more afraid you'll be to get help. So did you cut because you felt guilty about last night or was it a mix of things?


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Re: Scared and Confused - January 13th 2011, 12:06 AM

It's always a mix of things. If something upsets me I bottle it up until it all explodes. I'm not so great with showing my emotions so I usually do it instead of cry. Or when I'm crying I do it and it tends to be worse.
   
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Re: Scared and Confused - January 13th 2011, 12:17 AM

I so understand that. That's how I am and it's really hard. If you wanna PM and stuff if you wanna talk about it cause it's maybe not as easy on public posts. Do you ever talk about how you really feel?


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