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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Name: Cierra
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Help Eachother.? - January 29th 2011, 02:38 AM

So iam new to this site.(Please read all the way through, i would really like a response.!)
To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) brought me here.
so i thought i would tell my story and see if anyone has advice or if i can help anyone. Iam only 14 years old. Some think im too young to go through stuff and it's just a 'stage' but its not. Im a freshman who has been cutting since the middle of my 4th grade year. I was diagnosed with depression in 8th grade. I have always been the shy- depressing- hiding her feelings- worrying about others- type of girl. When i was younger people use to call me "Goth". I didnt know what it meant though, i was in 4th grade. I thought it was just a stage that everyone else goes through. But it started lasting for months, years. 7vnth grade i was being bullied constantly. My "best friend" had told people that i was in the hospital for cutting too much. It got out, and i've been hopping to different schools since then. The thing is, it wasn't true. But people don't believe me, they believe the rumors. 8th grade i was still being bullied. Running out of class having break downs. I then moved to charter. I got into drugs there. I don't regret it but i do wish i hadn't made that choice. It's really hard for me now. I started going to therapy and got on anti-depressant. I was still cutting. Now in my freshman year i had reach my breaking point. For once i was actually happy- i believed, i trusted. Because of a guy i had fallen in love with. He turned 18 November 10th. Im only 14. Hahh, bet you see the problem.? He's met my mom and she didn't like him. She called our school and said if we didn't break up she'd call the cops on him. So we broke up. I was only happy for 5 months. But those 5 months were the best months ever for me. I know this might sound pathetic: End of November i couldn't take it anymore. I was hurt, heartbroken, angry, and continued cutting. One night i had thought "This has to end. And cutting isn't helping." I had told my mom that i had a bad headache. She just gave me a bottle of pain relievers. Yes, i did try to over dose. My mom had tooken me to the ER. I was there for 2 days. Im pretty sure they were going to let me go. They had to ask stupid questions to see if i was safe to go home. Im pretty sure i passed that. But then they found a suicide note,razor blades, and more pills in my jacket pocket. I was so pissed. They told me i had to go through treatment. So yepp, they sent me to the hospital. I just got out 2 weeks ago. They told me when i get out, i should feel different, better. But no, i honestly don't feel a difference at all. I still continue to cut. I still cry every night. I still can't sleep, can't eat. Still think about ending it. I still know that if i had those pills not hidden from me- i would end it. Right now.
I honestly do have a problem of pushing people away. But please.. i really do want help. Ive been going to therapy for a year, it doesn't help. I've been stuck with this addiction for 5 years. I know that i should get out of it. But i dont know if i want to.
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Re: Help Eachother.? - January 29th 2011, 04:10 AM

Hi Cierra.

Welcome to TeenHelp. I'm glad you've found us here, and that you've found enough courage to post here and talk about what you've gone through. I know from experience that talking about things like this can be hard, but it can also be very helpful.

It definitely sounds like you've gone through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear that. But the fact that you're still here, still reaching out for help, is good.

Self harm can become a sort of addiction, where you come to rely on it to deal with any emotion, or when you even turn to it for no other reason than you're used to it. A good way to deal with self harm is to use alternatives when you're triggered. Here's a list you may want to look at, and see if they work for you.

Being released from the hospital isn't the same as being told everything's going to be perfectly fine. Just because you're not there anymore doesn't mean life is going to be one big walk in the park from now on. Recovery takes time, and effort. If you don't feel a difference, maybe ask yourself why. Why haven't things changed? What's bothering me? What can I do to change that? You've already established that you don't like things the way they are. The next logical step is to do something so that things change, and you feel better. Start looking for ways - healthier ways than self harm, I mean - to make you feel better. Do you have any hobbies? Play any sports? Anything like that? Giving yourself a project, goal, or other activity can help you stop self harming.

If you don't mind me asking, I was just wondering why you h your therapist? think therapy's not helping? Is it that you don't get along with your therapist? That you have trouble expressing yourself? That some part of you actually wants therapy not to work, so you have an excuse not to try? None of those are unusual, and there's ways to get around all of them. Identifying why something's not working is the first step in fixing the problem.

It's not uncommon for people who have been bullied to develop a sort of reflex, a coping mechanism, where they push people away so they don't get hurt again. What happened with your 'best friend' and the rumours sounds like it was very hard for you, and I'm not surprised. Maybe - though of course I don't know you, and can't be sure - you have trouble trusting people because of that? If so, try and convince yourself that not everybody is out to hurt you. There are people out there, good people, who are kind and caring and true friends, if you let them in.

After relying on self harm for so long, it's normal for you to be somewhat reluctant to give it up, even knowing the kind of damage it can do and all the reasons why you shouldn't. Just think of what life could be like if you were free from self harm, from these nagging urges and unpleasant thoughts. Hold on to that vision of the future, of hope, and know that it can be yours.

I'd also like to give you a couple of links, which may help you feel better. Reasons to Live, Hold On (To Hope), and Who Can Help Me?.

Finally, just remember that although things seem bleak now, they don't always have to be this way. You can get better, and you don't have to do it alone.

I wish you all the best.


let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
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Re: Help Eachother.? - February 5th 2011, 01:23 AM

It's not that i don't like my therapist, i tell her a lot of things i really like her. But it just doesn't seem to be working. I keep loosing all my friends. I get my hopes up then they get crushed. I dont know.
But thanks(:
   
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Re: Help Eachother.? - February 5th 2011, 06:52 AM

If you're feeling like therapy isn't working, but you have a good relationship with your therapist, why not talk to her about that? You can work together to figure out why it's not helping, and how you can make it so it does.

Unfortunately, disappointments are a part of life. Not everything's going to live up to expectations, but that doesn't mean we should stop trying. Because sometimes, things do go just the way we want, and they make all the disappointments worth it.


let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
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