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ItalianBbae Offline
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Pushed too far - February 8th 2011, 06:46 PM

i cut last night. i found out again that my mom canceled my therapy session for the second week in a row because she was afraid of the weather. i know shes not doing it to keep me from going because she always reschedules it but its just getting so frustrating. my parents found out about my cutting almost three weeks ago and i thought i would stop cutting for good because i was afraid of them seeing new cuts. i also thought that because they said they would put me in therapy pretty much right away i would get the help i needed. but nope. and my family has gone back to acting and treating me the same way as they did before they knew. i cant talk to my friends because i pretty much figured out that they dont wanna hear it anymore. i just couldnt take it anymore so i cut last night. now i just feel stupid and even more like a screw up
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 8th 2011, 06:59 PM

Erika,
I know what youre going through. my situaition is actaully quite similar. so i will give you the advice that i would give myself.
If you cannot wait for your next therapy appointment then go talk with a school counselor for the time being. if you can try to tell your mom that you need her to not keep reschedualing appointments because you feel that it is important that you go to therapy. dont be ahshamed that you cut last night, everyone screws up and makes mistakes. whats important is that you want to stop cutting and that you keep trying. things will get better now that you are in therapy and now that someone knows about your cutting. send me a meesage if you want to talk, i mean it, dont hesistate to talk to me.


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 8th 2011, 07:45 PM

thanks lola. im kind of a bit hesitant to go to a school therapist because....well honestly idk y but i just dont feel comfortable going to one. :/ but i get what youre saying. my mom rescheduled the appointment for saturday and supposedly there shouldnt be any reason why it would need to be rescheduled, so im keeping my fingers crossed. i do want to stop cutting because i know its bad but i use the marks to remind myself that i suck at life and im kind of afraid to not have those constant reminders. :/
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 8th 2011, 08:47 PM

i know how you feel, sometimes i like looking at the marks, i know that thats kind of sick, but still, i feel like maybe i deserve to have the constant reminder of the bad thing i did to myself right there on my arm. it reminds me of how bad things can be sometimes. i get that youre afraid to not have the reminder there anymore, but if you have that reminder there then getter better is going to be soooooo much harder. becuase you wont be able to move past it. its really good that you want to stop, that shows a lot of strength, a lot of self harmers dont want to stop, it may take a while but you can do it.


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 12:24 AM

its like the papa roach song says "my scars remind me that the past is real" :/ yea tonight my stomach almost fell out of because my sister was showing me a tattoo she wanted and its on her left wrist so i was talking about one i wanted thats like the same size and kinda similar and shes like "we should get sister tattoos!" and grabbed my wrist and flipped it over to show me where to get them. i was so scared that she was gonna move my shirt sleeve and she my fresh cuts. thankfully she didnt but it like made me realize that i need to stop this. i like want my scars to stay tho but for some reason they only stay for like 6 months at most. its like i want them to be there forever so that i always have the reminder that "my past is real" :/
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 12:30 AM

oh my god, i thought i was the only one that wanted the scars! i thought i was crazy for this. my scars go away after a few months too but i feel like i want some of them to stay there. i dont know why though, i just want like you said, the reminder. maybe its cause i feel like if the scars are there forever then i can look at them and think about the bad stuff that i was feeling and maybe it would stop be from doing it again in the future. i dont know...i get kind of mad when the marks go away and it kind of makes me want to cut more and deeper so that they will stay there. i know it sounds kind of crazy....


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 12:47 AM

no not at all!! i do the same thing! this might sound crazy but if i think a scar will look 'cool' for lack of a better word ill purposely cut deeper or cut the same exact spot a few times in a row to make it stay. and the whole looking at the scars will make me stop and think, i actually cut the word STOP on my forearm for that exact reason and it worked for the three weeks. but when i relapsed last night i cut a line right through the word. but thanks soooo much for understanding the crazy workings of my mind lol
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 01:19 AM

I'm so glad that you get it too. I can never find anyone that understand or thinks about cutting the way I do.
My mind is crazy too and I'm ok with admitting that. lol


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 01:52 AM

I kind of like the scars, too. I have just one left, on my left thigh. Its been there over a year. Its almost gone and I'm a little afraid of it going away. I guess I always thought I would have the scars...idk. You're not crazy though =]
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 02:02 AM

haha thanks (: and yea you see movies or documentaries with people with these big scars and covered in scars no matter how long theyve been self harm free. i always felt like i was the only one who didnt have these kinds of scars. glad to know im not the only one (:

oh and lola, we seem to have so much in common haha! its so great to find someone out there that you can relate to
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 02:12 AM

Yeah, it is. Send me a message anytime.


We do not fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence. That we will disappear without a trace.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 02:13 AM

No you're not alone. When I last SH in 09 I felt the same thing. It was actually several months prior in 08 that I cut myself really bad on my right thigh. This may sound weird but I was kind of "happy" that it left a scar. I felt that with that scar it would remind me that I actually don't want to relapse because I don't want to go back to where I was then. That scar lasted for about a year and a half. It's now a very faint white line on my thigh. I sometimes can still see it when I am in the shower(idk y there. I just can).
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 9th 2011, 02:29 AM

i think u can see it when u shower because ur wet. mine get more red therefore more noticable when im wet too. idk if this is like the actual reason but it makes the most sense haha.
   
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Re: Pushed too far - February 11th 2011, 06:04 AM

Mine are also more visible when wet, and I hate it when another disappears. I actually tend to cut just one or two lines at a time, focusing more on how I can make it scar than on the amount of blood or pain. You guys aren't alone.


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