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CrimsonLines Offline
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Unhappy Choosing Between A Bottle Of Pills And A Sharp Blade - February 15th 2011, 05:06 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So last night I failed myself and I gave into the nagging of my blade. I had two bottles of perscription drugs calling my name and death looked so beautiful. I was so tired of my family fighting and of my mother. I was so hurt because my mother tears me apart. I was so tired of her telling me I'm a worthless slob and that everything I do will never be good enough. I was so fedup with her yelling at my sisters and I all the time. I couldn't take the pain of my family falling apart. I couldn't take the pain of knowing that I'm not loved by anyone expecially my parents. My parents always wonder why there children are so messed up and really a lot of it is their fault. They are always picking me apart. Always screaming at me and putting me down. It hurts so much! My mother is so unpredictable because one minute she can be telling me that she loves me then the next she is throwing pots and pans around and threatning me; screaming at me that I'm better off dead and that everything I do or feel is wrong. Anyways I was feeling like crap and I was really hateing myself and thought I would be better off dead so I gathered up all my medication and I planned on taking in all; Two big bottles of prescription drugs and one big bottle of advil. As I was opening the bottle and pooring the pills into my hands with tears streamming down my face I caught sight of my sicisors. I remembered how good it felt to cut and how it numbed all pain so instead I picked up the sicissors and I put down the pills and I cut myself to shreds. I took all my anger out on myself, all my hate for myself came out as I made myself bleed. It numbed the pain but now I feel so stupid because I went 2 months without cutting and lastnight I failed. I hate myself more than ever and it makes me sick to look in the mirror. I can't escape from myself! I can't stand to live with myself! I really need some help but my stupid therapist doesn't help at all and I don't know what to do. I really needed to get things out and I'm sorry for the length.

We can never attain perfection while we have an affection for any imperfection.
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Evanescent Offline
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Re: Choosing Between A Bottle Of Pills And A Sharp Blade - February 15th 2011, 09:49 PM

You didn't fail yourself, you had a slip up but that doesn't take away the two months you went without cutting and if you went two month you can do it again, and I am sure you can go even longer. It's not right the way your parents treat you and your sisters and I am sorry that you have to go through that. It's good that you found a distraction from taking the pills, now you just have to find a distraction from the cutting that isn't distructive. If your therapist isn't helping you should try to switch to another one, which sounds difficult in your situation given the way your parents treat you. Ask your therapist's supervisor (if they have one) if you can switch to a different therapist. I hope this helped at least a little.

P.S. Don't apologize for making a lengthy thread, getting it all out is what this forum is for.

"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."

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Nicole AKA Nikki
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Re: Choosing Between A Bottle Of Pills And A Sharp Blade - February 17th 2011, 03:41 AM

I know that self-harm is a terrible thing and that it shouldn't be something you turn to but...

I'd rather you hurt yourself than you ending your life. You can reverse self-harm with help, but you cannot reverse your life once you are dead.

Please try not to use self-harm as a "last resort" to survive, talk to people instead! Life is worth living. Pain cannot last forever...

PM me or anyone if you need to talk! TH cares about you

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