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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Tessa
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I'm Tired...... - February 23rd 2011, 07:51 AM

I'm tired of doing this to myself, i'm tired of being stuck in my own world of emotions, not being able to talk to anyone or feel anything other than anger and pain, im tired of hurting my mom by lashing out at her because of the pain I feel inside, I'm tired of feeling like a failure and worthless, I'm tired of not being happy.....

I guess this whole rant/discussion thing came from tonite, it was one of my worst nights for SI'ing, I was afraid of myself, afraid of what I have become, afraid of what I could actually do to myself. After I had finsihed calmed down, cleaned up and breathed a little, i realised that I don't want to do this anymore, i realized that i deserve to be happy, I deserve to be able to do something like go out for dinner, or go to school and not be thinking about all the ways i could potentially kill myself or harm myself, i deserve to not be a world filled with my own pain and sadness, I'm tired of living like this, I'm tired of the scars, the sadness, the misery, the pain, the fights, the anger,the tears, the blood, but mostly i'm tired of hiding.

I know i need help and thats what i need to do ( i'll most likely change my mind by tomorrow, i always do), i've said i needed help many times before but i never went through with it, this time i hope i do, self-harming has taken 6 years of my life away that i'll never get back, it doesn't deserve anymore.

So i have to decided to talk to my 2 best friends about this, i know they'll acept me( hopefully), but right now i know i CANNOT talk to my mom, not until i talk to someone else, she found out about my self-injury 2 years ago and she was heartbroken, it was the first time i've seen her cry, i cant do that to her again, not yet anyhow, i know i'll eventually need to talk to her and probaly a therapist as well but for now telling anyone is a big step for me.

So my question is how can i tell them?? ( we are having a sleepover on the weekend so im going to tell them then) without freaking them out, or looking like im seeking attention?? I'm not very good with words (unless written) but its hard to justify harming yourself to other people, its easy to do with my self but not others, so for anyone who has come out, how did you do it? were the reactions good or bad?/ what is there to expect??

All I know is, i want to be free of this awful disease, im tired of it controlling my every move and thought, i want out.

(sorry if this is a long rant/speech/question thing, i just need some advice from understanding and helpful people)
THanks


"You're never gonna spread your disease,So take your hands off of me"
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm Tired...... - February 23rd 2011, 06:36 PM

Hey Tessa
you're right! you DO deserve a LOT more than the pain, anger, blood etc.
you DO deserve to be REALLY happy.
you're 16. you should be enjoying your life, not hiding.
i really think you need to tell someone and if your friends really care about you they will accept you.
i understand why you can't talk to your mom. my mom was the exact same and i couldn't do that to her again, not after seeing how much pain it caused her.
But please do tell your friends. they will accept it and they will be there for you. they'll be angry at first but they will get over it.

well i texted one of my best friends during school telling her that i really needed to tell her something later. she came and found me at lunch but i just couldn't tell her. my mind completely blocked me from tellin her. so i decided to text it to her that night. it wasn't the best decision but it was the easiest. she did freak but she got over it and she was there for me (and still is).
your friends will be really hurt but at least you won't be keeping it from them anymore. and they'll help you through it. the only thing is they're going to try and convince you to tell your mom.

i hope this helps (kinda :P)
if you want you can PM me.
Celine
xoxo




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm Tired...... - February 23rd 2011, 09:06 PM

Hey there.

Firstly I want to say to you how proud I am of you and how inspirational it was for me to read this.

I'm really sorry that you had a bad night and that things have been a bit rough for you recently which has left you in a place where you're self harming. Its really great that you have decided you want help and that you can see you don't deserve to have to go through and hurt yourself the way you have been doing so. And also that actually you do deserve a life and a good future.

Opening up to someone (whoever it is) and letting them into this secret is a big thing. Self harm has become a big thing in your life and it can be quite a personal thing to a lot of people and its understandable its hard for you to do and that you're not quite sure how to let your friends now. I think the best way is to just be honest. Try and tell them that things have been rough recently and it left you feeling low and that you started self harming. If you don't feel like you can sit there and physically say it, its okay to write it down in a letter and let them read it. I often find thats an easier way to express how I am feeling or to tell someone something and I know you find that was a bit easier. You don't have to cover anything up or make up exscues or say something to make your friends feel better about it. Say it how it is. You're the only one who knows how it really is and thats okay, its okay to tell people just how it is.

Perhaps talking to your friends will also help it be easier for you to tell your mum. I know you say you don't want her knowing because it upset her before, but it upset her because shes cares and loves you. Its hard to see our parents that way and trust me I completely understand, but I am pretty sure she'd rather know about it and help you and support you a much as she can than one day found out you went through it alone or even worse you end up seriously hurting yourself and she has to find out that way. People can and will help you, you just have to let them in.

I also think you should print this off. And stick it up somewhere up put it somewhere you will carry on seeing it daily and where you can look at it when you feel low or have an urges...

'I guess this whole rant/discussion thing came from tonite, it was one of my worst nights for SI'ing, I was afraid of myself, afraid of what I have become, afraid of what I could actually do to myself. After I had finsihed calmed down, cleaned up and breathed a little, i realised that I don't want to do this anymore, i realized that i deserve to be happy, I deserve to be able to do something like go out for dinner, or go to school and not be thinking about all the ways i could potentially kill myself or harm myself, i deserve to not be a world filled with my own pain and sadness, I'm tired of living like this, I'm tired of the scars, the sadness, the misery, the pain, the fights, the anger,the tears, the blood, but mostly i'm tired of hiding.'

Because that my friend, is encouraging, its inspirational, its full of hope and its full of belief and Its not only me and possibly other users who benefit from it, but you can benefit from it to. So never ever forget telling yourself these things because you ARE worth it.

Remember to use distractions etc if you have urges. And don't stop believing, you can do this.

Jessie'Lou


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm Tired...... - February 27th 2011, 07:26 AM

My friends didn't exactly freak out when I told them. Or, if they did, I didn't know about it because they never showed it/told me about it. I couldn't do it in person, though. I had to text it to them. The only problem I ran into was when I saw them next...I was a bit nervous/awkward, cause I didn't know if they would say anything or try to talk about it. Everything went fine, though. Also, I found telling someone can be a good way to help get over it. Once more of my friends knew about it, it became less of a secret and I guess opening up to them and venting replaced it to the point where I haven't in over a year. I still get urges, but its a lot better now. I'm sure it'll be the same with you and your friends. Good luck!
   
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