Triggering: I feel invisible (venting)

[Kaitlin]

Ever since I was bullied in elementary school I've been depressed, back in sixth grade I constantly thought of killing myself, what it would be like, how my bullies would react, how I could, what the best way to do it would be. I started cutting and making myself vomit a few years ago, during ninth grade. Now I'm in twelfth and I just want to get help, I want to stop doing these things and feeling this way. But no one notices, I don't want anyone to notice really, just one person who will care enough. My vice principal found out when I was in 10th grade and called my mother, it was never really talked about again, my mom acted like it never really happened. I know we don't have money for me to get counseling, and at my private school we only had a male counselor who I really didn't want to talk to. Now I'm in a public school though, living with a good friend's family (although that friend has since gone off to college) Her younger sister, who's a freshman, has started feeling depressed, her artwork has been dark and so has her writing. Thats all it took for the school to look out for her. The first time she cuts her hand she was taken to a hospital like it was a crisis and stayed there for a week, getting help. and now that shes out shes still getting counseling and she has people there for her. I'm jealous. I mean... I don't want anyone to know but it was so... simple for her. Everyone noticed, everyone cared, and I'm glad for her that she's getting help. But I'm also annoyed. The way she brags about it, her one cut, her depression, I don't understand I guess. It's not her... it's I don't understand how her one cut, got her help, love, support, caused a total uproar. But I had over 100 cuts running down my arm, and nothing happened. No one cared. And I feel so selfish thinking that, but all I keep thinking is how invisible I must be. I can't even talk to that counselor at the school now, because I already know how she is (other friends told me their experience) She'll focus on my friends sister, it'll revolve around her and what shes dealing with. And if she didn't... I'm not sure I want her kind of help anyway. Not if she thinks cutting equals suicide (which is what she said about my friends sister) I don't know. I just needed to rant about it. To anyone who actually read through this, thank you for listening.

[NoTsObRoKeN]

venting makes u feel better im sure but there are ppl that would care trust me i would and i cut ya and ive actualy tried killin myself b4 to but now i feel better becuz of my friends

[Blair]

Hey Kaitlin,
I'm really sorry things have been so tough on you <\3 With what you were saying about throwing up and cutting and all…I know the feeling. Also, I can understand how upsetting it must've been to watch your friend's little sister's life... Seeing people go through the sane things as you but along a better/simpler course can easily make you jealous. Don't feel selfish though. It makes total sense that you'd feel like that. And about the whole invisibility thing…I bet you're not so invisible as you think. And often we don't realize who notices us. Ya know? Anyhow, it's AWESOME that you wanna get help. Goodluck with eveything. Pm me if you need anything