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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Online
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Angry and scared - March 2nd 2011, 02:10 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, for months I said that no one was taking me seriously about how bad my moods were getting. Now they certainly are. Last week, in the middle of a rapid cycling episode, I lost it. I don't even remember what I was thinking, just a pure rush of emotion. After a suicide attempt I was hospitalized; I just got out yesterday. I'm taking this week off of school, despite several major projects being due. I'm a mess right now. Worst is, my mood is just as labile as before I went into the hospital last Wednesday.

I was talking to my boyfriend and ex-girlfriend tonight, and they told me something that angered me: if I SH again (and they will know if I do; my boyfriend sees me naked all the time), they'll tell my mother. I was furious with my boyfriend. When I called him, I was in the middle of needing to SH; I was literally crawling on the floor in a need to do it and trying not to.

At the same time, I'm scared. I did SH, if only mildly. I couldn't help it. The tool was there, I was distressed, and I thought, "fuck it." I told him and he swore not to tell my mother; I don't want to go back in to the hospital already. But I couldn't even hold off for a little bit. True, I was having urges for forty minutes before I gave in, but still. It scares me how much I need this. It scares me how stupid the alternatives seem.

One of my biggest fears is that this will be the death of me. Literally, that one day I'll go to far and die. That scares me.



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Re: Angry and scared - March 2nd 2011, 05:11 AM

Jordan, I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be. Maybe try seeing a therapist/counselor instead of going to the hospital again???And if the alternatives you've seen look stupid to you, try writing sone specifically for you. Also, as much as you may not like their approach, you can call your bf or xgf when you're having urges and just ask them to distract you or even just vent to them. Goodluck with everything


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Re: Angry and scared - March 2nd 2011, 05:07 PM

Hey,
I'm so things are rough at the moment and i hope you're okay. Maybe you should talk to someone you trust or as Blair said, a counsellor. They could help and support you to stop SHing.
What alternatives have you tried, you could do things such as reading or writing - things that will distract you.
If you ever want/ need to talk feel free to PM me
stay strong and take care
Charli :-)


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Re: Angry and scared - March 2nd 2011, 05:20 PM

The problem is that I already have three therapists- one for group and two individual. I have therapy three days out of the week. The reason everyone was so alarmed is because despite all that, I still SHed to an alarming degree and almost committed suicide. Everyone is really frightened about me being alone at all, and they probably should be.

I've taken a lot of DBT and such, which is partially about finding alternative actions when in distress (i.e., reading a book instead of needing to SH, or doing deep breathing). Sometimes I do the skills, but sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I don't want to. And I know that choice comes with consequences, but I can't seem to find anything I love doing as much, simply because I don't care much about me.



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Re: Angry and scared - March 2nd 2011, 06:12 PM

I know what you mean about not wanting to try alternatives, but you should, you are amazing and beautiful, and don't forget that!
Talk to you theripists and tell them so they can help you :-)


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