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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jennlynn Offline
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I got caught and I'm scared. - March 2nd 2009, 11:37 PM

Today my mom saw my arm. I don't know how I could have been so stupid, I forgot a jacket. I have told some people at my school about the cutting but, they haven't checked up on me, why would they? I know I'm of no importance to anyone. I just hope my mom does what she usualy does and ignores the issue like she always does with anything she doesn't want to deal with. I can't not cut, even if I want to and cutting is the only thing that keeps me held together. Without the cutting I would kill myself, I know that. And cutting is the only thing that I have that is mine. Only I can control it. No one can take it away from me or make me do it. I get such a freeing feeling when I do it, even though it kinda hurts. I am scared however that it's getting so routine to cut every night now. I mean really, how many cuts can I make before there arent anymore to make? And then if the cutting stops I'll become even more suicidal and depressed then I am now. Not that It would matter if I was dead. No one cares about me. I'm just a place holder. Taking up too much space, wasting people's time and money. I think I want the cutting to kill me. Yah. The last cut I make will be the one that kills me. I really just don' want my mom to start caring now. I need the cutting! I need it, I can't live without it, literally. If I don't have tht support then I don't know. If I can't have something to lean on, maybe I will just go to sleep and not wake up, God I wish that could happen. I am just so lost and I dont have any reasons to keep trying over and over again. I'm tired and scared. I'm just at my limit..

Jennlynn <3
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Youth Pastor Offline
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 2nd 2009, 11:53 PM

Early on you said you were of no importance to anyone. I want you to know that you are important. I've read some threads on here and saw the care that people have toward other people so even though we don't know each other, we care. About the cutting, I don't know what you're going through because I haven't done it but that doesn't mean I'm any better. If you would want to then maybe you could say some more things that are going on in your life that's causing this. Ultimately though the best advice is to find an adult you can trust and talk to them about it. Find one of your favorite teachers, or a friends mom, etc. because you still have a lot of life to live beyond what's going on right now.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 3rd 2009, 12:05 AM

Hey Jennifer.
I know where you are coming from right now, as my mom recently found out that I had been cutting. It really does make you almost sick to your stomach and I can understand how scared you feel. But when you think about it, is it really so bad? I know you say you need the cutting, but wouldn't it be nice if you didn't? If you could get by without cutting as your crutch? Wouldn't it feel great if there was something that took away the pain for a lot longer, and not just momentarily? Don't you think you'd feel strong if you could get by without self harm? Maybe your mom finding out is a way that things can get better, and you can find a better way to deal with your pain. There ARE better and less painful ways out there, there really are. You don't NEED cutting. You WANT cutting. Your brain, your addiction, has convinced you that you can't get on without feeding your urges. If you truly gave up self harm, you'd be free of those addictions and urges and free of the pain when someone finds out about your secret. Maybe your mom finding out is a step to freedom and to setting this down for good. You might feel a heck of a lot better if you don't have this self harm addiction. So do you think MAYBE something good could come from your mom being concerned? I really think it has a positive side to.

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 3rd 2009, 01:28 AM

I am maybe not the best person to give advice...but...look at this way or try to...or dont' even read this reply LOL
But you need the cutting as you say...you should try something else...and see how that helps...like when you ahve the urge to hurt yourself, write..i know i am sounding like every other page of a psychatrist book..but there are more ways to handle it if you need to do something get a stress relief going, the others are right find something...you need the cutting because you feel like you are lacking and I completely know what you mean when you say that's yours and you can control it I grew up in a large family and even my journals are shared property for everyone.....find something else you can control...like a hobby and if you feel like you can't do anything broden your horizon...Like I sew...or draw or read....Maybe you have never tried something..but you want to...try it it could help though it won't completely fill the cutting void but you won't need to rely on it...you will still maybe want it....so don't if you do try something else and you still cut ,even if it's like before, that you have failed an addicted smoker can't quite completely at first...it comes in time...
But your mother knowing...that could be a good thing...she may or may not give advice or stop you but you know because you ahve the fear that she will say something that she wants you to stop...See it that way....even if your friends don't ask maybe they don't know what to do or maybe the people you have told are really bad people... (they do exist hurtful people...some hurtful more than some could see..?) But you do want some one to care obviously that's why you tell or atleast you want to let someone know you are hurting....and like it has been said we may not know each other really well but we do care.
everyone has a different way of coping with things yours is just a bit more..painful...just find what you want....and be happy...or try. That's my motto Just be happy with what you do.

I know this may still be not very good advice but we all are trying for you....to find they words to comfort you.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 3rd 2009, 04:48 AM

of course you are important. no one wants to see you hurting like this.
and sweetie?
I know it's scary when some one finds out you've been cutting.
but you gotta ask yourself, whats the worst that could happen?
you said it yourself, no one can MAKE you stop.
that's up to you.
all your mom can do is organize for you to talk to someone.
that's not so bad right? all it means is that you'll have some to share your burden with rather than having to hurt yourself.

good luck, hon.
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
losing touch. Offline
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 3rd 2009, 10:03 AM

Hey Jennifer. I can very much relate to what you're saying because my mum found out that i was self harming about a year ago and didn't take it well at all. I was terrifiied of her finding out and had previously hid the self harm from everyone for a few years. So yeah, i know how it feels, and how awkward it can make everything. Your mum will probably notknow what to say to you at the moment, and that's normal. Most people, not just parents simply don't know what to say to self harmers or what is the right way to react. Have you tried explaining to her the reasons why you have turned to self harm? Maybe if she understood a bit more of the story behind it she could relate more to how you're feeling.

Being scared is a very natural reaction, and i'm sure most people would be exactly the same inyour situation. Its really sad to see that you don't feel like you're of any importance to anyone. This isn't true at all Jennifer, you are just as important as anyone else in this world, and deserve to be happy.

I don't know if you've considered seeking some professional help with how you're feeling? It can be very daunting at first and seem like a bit of a mine field. But there are many avenues open to you and many options of people that you can talk to, you just have to reach out for the help. At school there should be some kind of system which offers support to people in a situation like yours, perhaps you could talk to your home room teacher or form tutor about what your options are? Many schools, unfortunately don't make it very clear to students who and where they can go to. You could even get a friend to go with you if you're naturally, feeling a bit nervous.

Hang in there :]

..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..

  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I got caught and I'm scared. - March 3rd 2009, 10:07 AM

Hey Jennifer. Im so sorry to hear you are feeling this way..Hugs! It's so scary when someone finds out about it,its like your secret safe world has been invaded but belive it or not it is actually for the best. Cutting is a really addicitve thing and i know at the moment you cant see life without it, but there can be life without it. It seems that you are not ready to stop and thats fine, you dont have to stop right now. But my advise to you would be to talk to your mother about it, she knows now so what harm can it do? and even if your not ready to stop she can give you support when you need it. You say your friends know too but they dont check up on you, maybe talk to them if you dont want to talk to your mother? Having someone you can talk to and lean on is so helpful during tough times! You also mentioned you were not important, well i think you are very important, your important to me anyway.

Take care hunni and PM me anytime you want to talk


The lord says 'before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart'

Jeremiah 1.5

Just keep swimming swimming swimming - Dory from finding Nemo!!

Hold your head high princess, for tomorrow is another day.

You can do tonight without the help of a blade and wake in the morning with the feeling of accomplishment

PM me anytime, I am always here to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear whats bothering you and words to make you see the hope

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