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chrissy2009 Offline
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Unhappy Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 03:07 AM

I have been so good for 3 years without cutting. and now the last two weeks all the pain from the past have been coming back up. it's making me crazy. I haven't been this sad and depressed in the long time. I wanna cut so badly. i'm so close to just doing it. I can't keep holding back these feelings. It's too close. I have alot of support but it's not working anymore. I'm just losing it. worse then i have have. the rape and abuse is fresh in my mind again like it just happened but it was years ago. Why now? im getting older and smarter, but now im losing it all like nothing every changed. I feel so lost and confused. I need helpp but i am too afraid to get help. im too old to be feeling this way. Its been a few years since i was raped. and 1 an a half since i was abused. there was just so much in my life that hurt me and now im starting to feel it again. Cutting and crying is the only thing i can think of anymore. These last two weeks have been very very and i dont know what to do.
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 03:19 AM

Hey Chrissy!!! The 3 years is so inspiring!!!! I've gone a little over a year without SH, and I can only hope I get that much clean time. I'm sorry you feel that way... I know where you're coming from.... I was raped 2 years ago and this past month has been nothing but dreams and flashbacks and urges to cut. These things can happen at random, and it's something we can't control. Did something trigger it? And no one's too old to feel anything everyone has their own pace that they heal from something like that. Maybe talking to your parents, or someone who knows what happened? Counselor? Always a good idea when it comes to something serious that affects people long term like this. We're always here to talk to at TH! There's always someone here for you! I'm thankful that you posted here instead of SH! It's a good first step towards help! Your 3 years is really amazing... its definitely something to be proud of!! Congratulations!! I'm always here to talk to, and keep up the good work with SH



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 03:20 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, Chrissy. But you've been strong for so long! Everyone here is very proud of you for that. Dont let it all go to waste. Everyone here cares about you a lot and wouldn't want you to do that to yourself. You say that the past weeks have been really low for you. well, they have to get better sometime. There's always a rainbow after the most terrible of storms.
If you need someone to talk to one on one, PM me. I'm trying to be on as much as possible so I'll reply quickly.



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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 03:58 AM

Yes i was proud of myself for the 3 years of no cutting. It just hit me out of no where. I dont know what triggered it but i can't stop thinking about it. I just can't get out of this depressed state. alot have triggered me to feel like this an now i can't pick back up again. i just don't wanna be around anymore. so tired of struggling to cope. its too hard. 3 years yes was a great goal. but now i don't know how much longer i can wait. I just can't breath or catch my breath. i cant stop crying. I don't know what to do.
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 04:06 AM

Do you have someone you can call and talk to if you don't want to type every detail out here? A hotline maybe if not?? You're worth everything in this world!! I'm sorry it hit you out of no where... That's the worst... *hug* Turn your struggle into a mission to feel better. Show yourself what those 3 years meant to you when you were going through it. Don't ever stop being proud of yourself for that. It's a big accomplishment. Like Becca said, there's always an up after every down. We become stronger and live another day Tears are a good thing! We're all human and have feelings! <3 You CAN do this I believe in you!!



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 04:10 AM

Yes tears are a good thing, but this much in one day? this much in two days? its just too much. its overwhelming. I can't handle anymore. I don't know if i can come back this time. I just feel so low. Everything keeps going wrong. The past begins to haunt me. The meds i take an the therapy is no longer a help. I dont know why i got crushed like this out of no where. It sucks. I'm trying my hardest but every time i cry i feel closer and closer to cutting. i HATE crying. It's overpowering in many ways.
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 04:29 AM

Crying may be overpowering, but it's a good thing I promise. The amount of tears might be overwhelming, but it seems like they're much needed? If therapy doesn't work, maybe try something new in that aspect? Group therapy? New therapist? You know as well as I do that cutting doesn't solve anything, and it's just a temporary fix. It's not going to fix the problem... Why give yourself something more to worry about? Hiding the new cuts, telling people, disappointing yourself after 3 years clean... That's such a wonderful 3 years... The road is rough, but you're never alone here! I already know you're a very strong person for the 3 years... It takes a strong person to overcome all those urges especially in the beginning. You are a wonderful person <3 You do have positives in your life You're alive. SH free. Strong person. Pretty at that Gotten through so much. Have people that care. That's definitely someone to look up to!



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
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chrissy2009 Offline
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 05:14 AM

I dunno i just don't feel like anything is helping anymore. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I'm not enjoying the things that i used to love. i don't wanna move or get out of bed anymore cause that's just how depressed i have been. it sucks. i wanna give up so badly. and go with my urges but i know how many people i would disappoint. i just don't know. i feel so lost. im gone.
   
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 05:28 AM

Not gone, just on a little trip You can do anything you set your mind to.



A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I'm always here if you want to talk!
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
chrissy2009 Offline
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Re: Getting so close....:( - March 27th 2011, 05:32 AM

I'm trying but it doesn't seem to be working. I do feel gone. I wanna just cut. it's too hard. but its been so long. i still dont feel accomplished though.
   
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