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Suppressed Memories? - April 7th 2011, 11:02 PM

This is more of a rant and realization.. and maybe some thoughts would be appreciated.

When the few people that know, or people here on teenhelp ask why did I start cutting.. I was able to think of a few not worthy answers. Drugs, alcohol, and sex maybe? Stress and never being good enough? I mainly started from the first set of 3 (friends who did it high) but I always kind of thought there was more to why I always did it.

I always hated people touching me, it made me anxious. I never knew why though. And even after having intimate moments, I would get the urge to cut. I still do. Then the other day my girlfriend and sister were talking about creepy pedophile uncles. I told my girlfriend that hers is a little creepy, but mine is like.. borderline sex offender. My sister then responded by saying how he used to touch me until she yelled at him and almost called the cops. And it hit me. All of these weird memories came back to me. I forgot until she told me, and I know they're real, because as soon as she said it.. I felt anxious and violated.. The same way I feel when he gives me hugs. The same way I felt when I was young.

I found comfort in dark places for a long time. I loved the night. I always wondered why I hated the daytime. When I feel the urge to cut, I go to a dark place, and I immediately calm down. I recently remembered how when I was young and my grandmother and sister used to fight (verbal and physical) I would lock myself in a dark closet and sit there for hours.

I always thought that the reasons I had for being depressed or why I struggle with SH were stupid, or minor compared to other things.. But maybe there really are these huge suppressed memories that I just can't seem to remember unless something triggers them. Ironic, right? Something triggers my memories that triggered my SH.. Is it possible that the reason I still struggle after 6 years is due to these.. and that maybe I won't be able to stop struggling until I remember everything?

Thanks. Sorry it's kind of long.. aha. =]


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Suppressed Memories? - April 8th 2011, 09:32 PM

wow i sh to and i have horrible nightmares and daydreams so i think i sorta know how you feel and i dono how to help right down everything you can remember and it might help you remember more etc.. see if it help im not an expert in this so sorry if my advice is kinda bad kk hope this helped and be strong and dont sh


I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

If you want my help message me i will help everyone and everyone no one should be unheard.
   
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Re: Suppressed Memories? - April 8th 2011, 11:34 PM

It's cool. I haven't SH'ed in about two months, so that's not really any worry for me. It's the urge that bothers me. The itching/burning feeling.

But that's the main problem.. I can only remember certain things when something else triggers them. I can write down all I want, but there are still missing spaces.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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Re: Suppressed Memories? - April 9th 2011, 03:29 PM

Hey, good on you for not SHing in a while. As for the memories and things, it sounds like something that really needs to be worked through with a counsellor. They can guide you through and trigger you and the memories and things but in a safe space. It generally is pretty important to come to terms with these things, and figure these things out. I think once you have legitimately dealt with the underlying issues behind SH then it is much easier to stop, or at least identify triggers easier and identify ways to counteract them that work.

But you need to ask yourself as well, do you think you are ready to deal with the possibility of perhaps remembering something? It's generally one of those 'it gets worse before it gets better' things so if you do you need to make sure you have a good support system around to deal with the aftermath. If you looking for stuff that might trigger a memory, maybe ask your sister what she remembers about that time?


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