Will this ever end?

[Ella.x]

I just carved "fat whore" into my arm. I'm about to do more damage. I swear I'm worse when I'm on these anti depressants. I just want to feel normal. I can't even tell my care coordinator or anyone about this as if it goes on record that I'm still self harming, I've got even more time before I can go into a care career. I don't know what's more important, getting help with cutting, or getting a job that I will love in the future. Am I ever going to get past this? Will I ever be able to be happy?

[*Jen*]

Hey Ella,

I think the most important thing here is you. You are much more important than a job. You need to put yourself first and get better then in the future when you are better you will be able to get a job that you want. I really think you should be honest with your care coordinator because they can only help if they know how you are feeling and what is happening. The sooner you tell them the sooner you will be able to get the help you deserve.

I think in order for you to be happy you need to deal with your problems through talking about them and finding ways to cope with them. Then hopefully you will be able to move on and be happy. You can get there and you will get there. The first step to getting there is talking to people about your feelings.

You can do this. Stay strong.

[Ella.x]

You're right.I've just been feeling so low lately that I don't even want help. I just want to die. I spend hours thinking about drinking bleach, or overdosing or hanging myself. I know that some of my scars will never dissappear, so what difference will a few more make?
I don't want self harm to consume me like it did before, but I can't stop myself from slipping back into that. I don't see my care coordinator for another 2 weeks. I don't know what to do until then.

[Palmolive]

Hey there Ella.

I am really sorry that you are experiencing these emotions and thoughts right now. It's a really tough thing to have to go through and the fact that you're still here today is really amazing and something you need to hold on to because it proves that you haven't given up. It proves you have the strength somewhere deep down to carry on going and to stay strong and I believe in you more than anything.

Yes, you are so much more important than your future job. Don't get me wrong, your career is pretty important to, but lets face it, if you don't get help and get out of this depression then you're never going to be able to get a job and manage which will probably leave you in a much much worse situation than you are in now and thats not something we want. You ARE important in this. You matter. You really matter to this world and to the people in it. You're worth so much and you deserve happiness and help and to get out of this depression.

Truth is something I have learnt while struggling with depression is that the person who can actually help you the most, is yourself. And this can be a really hard thing for some people to accept because while going through depression we can tend to feel quite worthless and useless. We start giving up on hope by thinking its never going to change and we feel we can't do anything to make it better. Truth be told you can't suddenly make it all better. But if you let people in, even though thats hard, they can help and guide you along this road. But you have to put in the effort. You can either take peoples advice or you can take it and act on it. And most importantly be yourself. Time is a healer and within time and with the support you can beat this and come to the other side.

I know things are hard for you right now but you and your life is worth so much. This is your life, live it for you. It won't always be this way, things can and will get better so don't give up and never be alone.

I hope this helps.
Jessie.

[*Jen*]

It sounds like there is part of you that doesn't want to go back to self harm because you have managed to hang on this long. Also you don't want it to take control of you again. It is really difficult when you start doing it again to be able to stop.

I think you should phone your care co-ordinator and ask for an appointment sooner. When I am struggling I can ring mine and he will see me sooner. They are only there to help you but they can only help if they know how you are feeling. You really have to be honest though.

Stay strong.

[Monster.]

I also think you need to talk ot someone about your medication. Sometimes anit-depressants can have negative affects. You should talk to someone who might better help differentiate the problems.
I want you to know that know job is ever worth what your doing to yourself. You need to start putting yourself above everything else. You are number one! You are a beautiful and intelligent young girl who can make a difference in the world. And it all starts with the first step. Start talking about it with people and taking some positive actions in your own life.
I know you can do it, and we are all here for you! Hang in there!

[Ella.x]

I'm really not. I'm a hideous person. I now have a cut that definately needs stitches but I'm too drunk to drive to hospital. I want to just cut my arm off. God, I'm a loser. Deep, but not deep enough to kill myself. Everyone will think i'm attention seeking

[Monster.]

Ella you are in no way shape or form a hideous person. I think you should call the ambulance and get some help. It you don't get stiches you could risk getting and infection. You are also not a loser. You need to starting think in amore positive matter. Do you have anyone you can talk to or call? someone that you trust?

[Ella.x]

urgh. 4 hours, 5 stitches and £40 taxi fares later, I'm back. The doctor said i was really close to cutting a vein. I'm tempted to cut the stitches open and cut that vein up. I'm pathetic. I'm going to phone in sick for work tomorrow and just get drunk. I can't afford it, but I don't care anymore. I don't want to feel. No-one said a word to me except the doctor who was reading a questionaire that you have to ask people who hurt themselves.. They all thought I was attention seeking because I didn't hit the vein. I wasn't messed up enough for them.

[Monster.]

I really think you should go see a professional. A psychologist, a therapist, anyone. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Maybe you should even stay in the hospital for a few days. Either way your destructive behavior is going to be your downfall. Please get some help. Help yourself?

[Ella.x]

Oh god, I want to cut myself again. I've taken 2 of the stitches out already. I want to open it up again and cut deeper but I know if I do, I'll risk permanent damage to my arm. I don't even understand why I'm so self destructive at the moment. I literally want to hurt myseld so badly that I feel physically sick. It's been all I can think about over the past few days.