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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I Deserve This (Language) - April 18th 2011, 06:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I had thought that it was over, that I would never need to come to this forum for support, that I would never need to seek support from my friends or even from my therapist about the issue of SH, because I had thought that I was strong enough to handle every mental taunt, every emotional urge, without any help. I had one relapse a while ago after having gone several months without cutting - one - and I was so damn proud to have made it for as long as I did, but tonight I failed, once again, to be strong enough to avoid it.

I don't understand what's been up with me lately. I had thought it to be PMS related (I am seeing a doctor on the 27th for the possibility of PMDD), but this time my period came and my mood still hasn't lifted. Granted I've been put through a number of stressors over the past couple days, to the point I am completely and whole-heartedly exhausted. I honestly feel as though I can't take any bloody more or I am going to shatter. I'm not even sure why this happened, why I felt/experienced the urges to begin with. I had been camming with my boyfriend before he'd gone to bed; that had improved my mood. But I was such a bitch on his leaving...

I got, and felt, distant because I didn't want to make things worse by getting upset over nothing - it was bloody bedtime, not a break-up - especially since the other day, we had an off-day and spent most of it arguing. He felt I was being dismissive when I wasn't. Our leaves are normally affectionate, yet I didn't even get <3s when he left. But then again, why should he have left me with a <3? I didn't deserve it. I said "love you too" to his "I love you" and I said "talk tomorrow" and I didn't take the initiative of posting a <3. And he had said he wasn't going to leave if I was going to be upset, and I pushed him away. And then he signed off as soon as I posted a fucking apology... And I realise that all of this sounds so, so stupid, but I feel guilty. I feel overwhelmed with feeling like I am a horrible girlfriend because I have all this stupid baggage. I have been nothing but fucked over in every relationship I have been in, and he has to deal with it and it's not fair because he doesn't deserve it. He is seriously the most incredible boyfriend and I love him to death and I put him through so much because I am ridden with so many issues that I don't even know how to begin fixing. I have terrible abandonment issues that every therapist I've seen (four) has had absolutely no clue how to handle or begin working them, and that pisses me off because I have no fucking idea how to even begin working on them, either.

And today my mother sent me over the absolute edge, for reasons I would rather not get into. I feel that this, on top of everything else (there's a lot going on at home, there's a lot going on with my best friend, there's a lot going on with my school work, there's a lot going on with my plans, etc.), did nothing but send me into a SHing fit. And now I feel even worse. I'm sitting here with a towel wrapped round my leg because a few of my cuts will not stop bleeding. And no, they don't need stitches. I know what's deep enough for stitches, and these are not. But I'm sitting here feeling absolutely stupid with "damaged" and "hate me" and "fat" carved into my thigh, along with several bloodied lines. And I don't know what to do with myself. Already I am feeling guilty and ashamed because I don't know whether to hide/lie about this or open up about it, yet at the same time, I am feeling relieved. I feel as though I can breathe again, as though there's no longer this pressing weight crushing my chest. I feel completely relaxed, completely numb, and completely bled out....

To be honest, this feels as I did when I was still bold enough to be taking Vicodin. And I know that this is only going to make things worse. The last time I SHed... the urges were bad for a long time after, and the more I think about and concentrate on the way it makes me feel, the more I start to want it. The more I start to want to say screw it. But lately I've also been feeling completely worthless and completely suicidal. I am not sure what's up with me. I am stressed out, I am exhausted, I am angry, I am hurt, I simply want to curl up and dissolve, go some place else, fade away into absolute nothingness... And I hate this, because in this mood, I go into feeling like sure, people would miss me, maybe some would even be devestated (such as my family), but they'd get over me and forget me like everybody else has. Everybody bloody leaves, and I am tired of it. But I shouldn't even be allowed to be tired of it, because it's not like I sit here like some completely innocent and vulnerable victim. I push and I push and I push, and people get tired of the pushing like they damn well should. And I honestly feel like that's what I've been doing lately. I have been pushing because I am breaking, I have been pushing because I am not good enough, I have been pushing because I want to be pushed back and promised that I'm not going to be left behind and abandoned.

Yet I don't feel like I deserve that. Not when I have been in such a cold and dangerous mood that I have felt like nothing more than destroying something. And what better person to destroy than this person I have become? I will make myself so completely ugly that no one will ever want me and so that I can't stand to look my reflection in the eye. I have been hit, I have been verbally and mentally and emotionally battered, I have been molested and raped, and I have had almost every issue under the bloody sun. I do not deserve to be here. But I don't want to die. And I know that deep down I have the strength to live and to keep living. But I don't feel that I have the strength to stop myself from SH. I feel like I've lost the will to. I feel like I'm looking for every excuse to make them all get rid of me, because they and especially my boyfriend deserve so much better than me.
   
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Re: I Deserve This (Language) - April 18th 2011, 04:54 PM

You don't deserve to die or feel this way.*hugs*

I'm sure you're a wonderful person when you aren't feeling this way.

It's normal for people to push other people away or to "test" them to make sure that they won't actually leave,especially when you have abandonment issues.Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about this (maybe show him part of your post)tell him that when your pushing him away alot her needs to tell you that he's not going anywhere (if you think that would help).

I don't think you overreacted to him going offline persay.You have alot on your plate and you're dealing with alot and eventually it gets to the point you explode.It's not your fault,though you also have to remember it's not his fault either,you have to let it go once you've calm down.People who tend to repress things will usually end up having a huge outburst once in awhile like that and then will go back to being thier "normal" selves.

if your having hard time dealing with your mom maybe go to a friend's place overnight or for a week if you can.When my mom and I couldn't get along I'd stay at a friend's place for a week and then come back and try to sort it out,it usually made the situation better when both of us had had a while to calm down.

As for you cuts (forgot to check the date when you posted) if they're still bleeding try a cold shower or bath,the cold water will restrict your blood vessles abit and it's usually enough to stop the bleeding.

Good luck and if you need to talk you can always message me,though I'm not on here everyday I will eventually get around to messaging you back


You wonder why I never smile anymore,but with broken homes come broken smiles.

Has the acidic rain burned a hole so deep,that we don't care what's beneath our feet?

I'm a freak and my best friend is a pirate-ninja-dinosaur,what a unique friendship!

My heart is so numb,that I can't feel it breaking


   
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Re: I Deserve This (Language) - April 18th 2011, 11:15 PM

Death though it always seems like an easy option can never have decent concequences... Not for the people you love. That love you.

Having said that SHing isn't the same (obviously) but i mean that it isn't the same as in, it might not hurt other people as much. If it's how you cope, and how you stay above water then it's okay. Sure it's not ideal, but when it comes to things like this nothing really is. So don't beat yourself up for doing it, because i'm sure that if it was a choice between you living and feeling a bit better even with come cuts and baggage the people that love you would rather that than you suffering and feeling close the the egde. By saying this though i don't mean 'GO APE' and merrily slice up, i'm saying that don't let the guilt and the hiding of it start trying to eat it's way into your other problems... Maybe if you did shallower cuts but lots so they'd heal and not scar? I know the temptation is the get as much blood out as possible and to watch it slide down your leg along with the intense relief that floods your body. Don't quit it all together though, and don't go shouting it, i did that and i was NEVER left alone, it wasn't nice. Just keep it quiet and tell those who ask like your boyfriend or friends, eventually you might find that you don't rely on it as much. I can only go by my own experiences... But that worked for me. I didn't make a massive hoo'haa about it, i just accepted it slightly and worked on my other issues until i found i could cope without it.

I also believe that you should tell your boyfriend, if you love him and he loves you then you have to trust him a certain amount with your heart.. I know how vunerable it can make you feel and if you've done it before, opened up and then been turned away from, it'll be damn scary and could hurt but if it brings you closer and eases your stresses a bit, i think it could be worth the little hurt.

We have to find the people that will be worth the pain. We have to love with every inch of our souls and we have to do this so we can feel to the very edges of the spectrum that is our emotions. That also means the bad stuff. With depression and things like the the bad can be suffocating but the good is out there, just appreciate the moments, like nice cuddles and the passionate moments, where you think your heart might literally leap from your chest. Saviour these moments for when your feeling down. Sometimes you can also give in to feeling numb just curl up and feel it, cry it out, listen to terribly depressing music and feel.

I just joined and was checking out the SH forum, but i'll be around if you want to vent out frustrations and such, a good rant sometimes helps and i'd be glad to help you out. It's not your fault and you aren't a terrible person, even though as i say this you might very well contradict me. So PM me if you think it'll help, i'll get straight back to you

I leave you with a quote from a film i love, Dinner for Schumucks -
'When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you haven't got any water or sugar... Then you eat the lemons and the rind will give you diarrhea'
   
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