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Heathen Offline
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Well, I started again - May 12th 2011, 09:07 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was doing so well; I'd gone almost six weeks without burning and over two months without cutting, but on Monday I couldn't help it, I slipped up. And it felt good. That's the part that's bothering me: it feels good. I've done it every day since, each time worse. I'm so disappointed in myself, but on the other hand I'm back with my old friend. My therapist says one day I will have to choose SH or relationships, and I'm dreading that day. In fact her telling me that was part of what pushed me over the edge.

I'm just really scared. If they find out, I may have to go to the state hospital. I went once when I was fifteen and I really don't want to go back again. I'm afraid if they put me in there they will never let me out. I'm afraid I'll lose everyone. But SH is just so appealing, so reliable, so comforting. It's so hard to get away from it.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I don't know if I want to stop or not, but I know I need to. I need some help.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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Counted Heart. Offline
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Re: Well, I started again - May 13th 2011, 10:06 AM

Hey Jordan.

Well done on going so long without self-harm! Try and focus on that instead of the fact that you slipped up. This proves you can go without self-harm, which is a good start.

Of course hurting yourself felt good. That's part of why we crave it so much - because of the release, the relief, that comes when we do it. But then this comes after - the confusion, the guilt, the disappointment. That's why self harm is never the answer.

I'm sorry your therapist actually made things worse. Therapists are there to help, and I'm sure she didn't meant to say something that would make you feel this way. Could you try explaining to her that this is how you felt after she said it? You might be able to work through your feelings together.

Recovering from self harm is hard, yes. At times it can be almost unbearable. But that feeling of pride as the weeks and months slip by without you hurting yourself is worth it. Think of all the benefits of not self harming - not needing to feel guilty, not needing to hide it, being able to deal with your emotions in a more healthy way.

Admitting you need help is a good first step, and I commend you for it. Many people, when they start out on the road to recovery, are unsure as to whether this is what they really want. They'll have doubts, and questions, and they'll consider giving up - but if they don't, they'll definitely reap the rewards.

I'd recommend talking to someone about this - your therapist would be a good start, or friends or family. I know talking about it is scary, and the thought of giving it up is too, but it can really help.

As for going into the state hospital, I'm not sure what the laws are in your area, but I'm assuming that since you're older now, they can't really force you to go there. It's probably a last resort, and you should try all the other options first - that's probably what your therapist thinks too. You should try everything you can first, before even considering going into hospital.

I wish you all the best.

let no science fix our path
if only numbers make its math.
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