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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jennlynn Offline
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Only three days, wow. - March 8th 2009, 08:57 PM

I stopped the cutting for three days and today I just did it. Nothing made me exactly. I mean everyday I have the feeling to but, don't act on it unless I get set off or super sad or something minor or major goes wrong and messes with my head. Nothing was going on today and I just did it. Worse then I have ever done it! How does this make any sense? I don't understand myself.
It felt good though. Actually it didn't...feel. I think that's why I like it because when I do it I don't feel like a person. I can't feel pain or sadness or anger. I go into a whole other place when I cut, suprisingly a calmer place. Which isn't, normal I'd assume but, what the hell do I know about being normal. I hate more then anything when you work so hard for something, and then in a blink of an eye it's all gone and you can't get it back. I wish I could go to that place in my head and just stay there forever and never come back. i wouldn't be missed. And there I might actually like myself enough to try and be happy.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Only three days, wow. - March 8th 2009, 09:15 PM

Hi Jenn,

Well done on not cutting for 3 days, that was a good achievement! You can get back there though, sure you slipped up, but that doesnt mean you cant keep trying. Try to just keep going and forget about it even though it will probably be hard. I know you said you dont understand why you did it, because nothing bad had happened, but sometimes it is like that. Self harm is addictive, so maybe you just felt an urge because you had done it for a while.

You said the way you feel when you self harm isnt normal, but when i have self harmed in the past i have felt the same way. It is like disasociating. I try and find other ways to seperate myself from the emotions now though. For example i put calming music on really loud to block it out or i concentrate or singing or doing art.


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Re: Only three days, wow. - March 9th 2009, 07:29 PM

Hi Jenn

Congratulations for not cutting for 3 days. Thats a big acheivment for a self harmer.

Dont sit & anaylise why you cut today, other wise you might slip back into a pattern.

Instead try & be happy that you didnt cut for 3 days & make that your next goal....four days without self harm.

As Jen said, try to do something to distract you. Calming music is always helpful.

I hope you get better


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Re: Only three days, wow. - March 9th 2009, 11:22 PM

Good job on not cutting for three days!

Its likely the reason you went back to it is due to your addiction to it though. I escaped cutting in December, but I have slipped up here and there since then because of the addiction. When you become addicted to cutting its hard to break that hold, and you often WILL find yourself cutting just because you can.

Can you find someone to be your confidant? Someone you can talk to when you feel like doing it? I find that having people around you who know that you're triggered are very helpful.

I'm very sorry you feel the way you do, and I can definitely relate. Funny as it is, a friend and I were actually discussing it the other night because of the issues that cutting brings.

Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:48:05 AM): i feel like i'm treading in the same place, but at the same time, moving backwards
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:48:13 AM): like on a treadmill, so to speak
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:48:16 AM): but in reverse
Rain Storm (3/8/2009 12:48:18 AM): back sorry
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:48:34 AM): yeah i know what u mean
Rain Storm (3/8/2009 12:48:44 AM): awwwe huge hugs to both of you
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:49:14 AM): sometimes i wish i could be the people i write
Rain Storm (3/8/2009 12:49:56 AM): huggles
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:11 AM): what i would give to feel something.
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:24 AM): everythings brokem, everythngs vacant, everything wasted time
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:31 AM): dont u hate that? feeling like you just exhist
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:32 AM): ?
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:36 AM): u feel
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:36 AM): mmhmm
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:46 AM): just dont know how to feel broken
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:57 AM): not ot feel
Hurricane Girl (3/8/2009 12:50:59 AM): broken
Sunshine Girl (3/8/2009 12:51:01 AM): mm

If you EVER!!! need to talk, my YIM messenger and PM box are ALWAYS open.

good luck.

And when I'm not sure how to try,
Who will take my hand?
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Re: Only three days, wow. - March 10th 2009, 05:03 AM

First of all well done for not doing this for three days! I know it's only three days but this is a start, and an improvement for someone that has been doing it a lot!
When you said you felt like doing it within those three days, something obviously stopped you, well try and think back to what you did when you didn't do it for three days, tell yourself 'not' to do this, try to avoid the objects which make you want to harm, try to concentrate on something you enjoy. I know how much it puts stress on us when something goes, it's not nice at all, but never give up because you can be the person you wish to be, and in the position you're not in right now, just by realizing you are cared about and can overcome this.
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