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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Angry A knife to my wrist and a swig of hard liquor - May 20th 2011, 01:17 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Nothing's been going right lately. My so called "best friend" constantly acts like everything I say is stupid, and she has to control every situation. My resentment towards her is growing with each day that I have to see her. She's in all of my classes. Then, after my mom gets home from work, I will admit, I had a bit of an attitude (only slightly), so she starts going haywire because I messed up a piece of french toast that we were supposed to have for dinner. She starts telling me that I messed up dinner and that she can't eat anything because apparently we wouldn't have enough. My dad is a lazy ass and greedy, so he had to screw things up by wanting practically all of the fricking french toast. My mom is stressed out, my dad gets pissed at her, he whips his dinner plate across the room, my mom blames me for everything that happens, and I wind up cutting myself for the first time. Then I drank some gin (only one swig) and I honestly loved the feeling of the alcohol pumping through my veins.
The story behind all of it sounds pathetic, I know. But you'd have to be there to understand how angry both of them were.
I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I know I have problems, but there's no way I can ever ask my mom for therapy. She can't accept the fact that I might have issues. I've tried to approach the therapy thing in a light manor before, and she just goes into her bad mood and I'm suddenly the bad guy.
I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I know I messed up, but at the same time, some sick part of me feels proud about what I did.

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love; take me far away.
~Under the Bridge~
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Re: A knife to my wrist and a swig of hard liquor - May 20th 2011, 07:03 AM

Hey there.

This is definitely a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. Before I start, can I ask if you have any sort of support network - friends you're particularly close to (other than your best friend, since it sounds like you're going through a rough spot with her), relatives you can talk to, anyone like that? They can be really helpful. Does your school have a counselling service? Some have setups which mean that the student can go to it without their parents having to know. You might like to look at this thread: Who can help me?

The best thing you can do with your friend is talk to her. She may not know her behaviour's bothering you, and would be happy to change it if she did. It can also help to spend time without her - hanging out with other friends, or by yourself. I'm not saying don't be around her, but even the best of friends can get on your nerves sometimes, and in that case it can be useful to have some time apart. Now might be a good time for solitary activities - reading, watching movies, doing puzzles... whatever you like.

Dealing with a less-than-happy homelife can be stressful, and it's important to know how to manage it. It can help to have a safe place - somewhere you can go to, where you know you'll feel safe and will calm down. Your bedroom, maybe, or another room, or even somewhere outside. Speaking of outside, going for a walk after an argument can also be helpful, because it gives everyone time to cool down, offers you a distraction from self harm, and exercise can actually help you feel better.

Speaking of distractions, have you looked at our list of alternatives? They're healthy techniques to deal with both the urge to self harm and the feeling behind it - whether you're sad, angry, restless, or anything else.

I'd recommend talking to your mother about this again. Try and avoid being accusatory (I'm not saying you are, I'm just emphasising the need not to), and try to understand her point of view, at the same time as making yours known. If you find out why she's so reluctant to admit that things aren't so great for you, you might be able to convince her otherwise. Invite her to tell you how she feels, and make it clear that while you appreciate what she's saying, you'd like her support.

It's actually quite common to have mixed feelings about things like self harm. One part of you knows that you shouldn't do it, and you feel bad about that; but the other part feels proud that you can hurt yourself, and wants to keep doing it. My advice is this: the sooner you stop, the better. If you let this become an ongoing problem, you'll find it harder to stop.

As for being unsure about how you're feeling - that's also natural. Have you tried keeping a journal of some sort? I for one have found that a useful thing to do, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I wish you all the best.

Take care.

throw yourself into the unknown
with pace & a fury defiant.

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Re: A knife to my wrist and a swig of hard liquor - May 21st 2011, 02:03 PM

I don't really have anyone to talk to, especially not my family members. I really would rather keep them out of this atm. I have a couple of friends that I'm not really close to, but close enough that they would understand and support me. It's just that I'm really afraid to say anything. If I were to talk to the school coucelor, they'd just tell my parents, which I really don't want.

I think I'm really just going to try to end the friendship because I've realized that she's been using me as her scapegoat for 2 years now, and I'm not willing to let that go on. No matter what I tell her, she always has the upperhand. She's always right in her mind, so I'm just not going to bother with her anymore.

Sooner or later I'll gain the nerve to talk to my mom, but I have a tendency to just flat out avoid situations that are really hard to address.

The only times I've cut myself are when I'm really angry after a situation like this. I feel really ashamed of myself now and I'm really worried that someone is going to see the cuts. I hate having to try and hide them, so I think that's good inspiration for me to quit cutting.

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it.

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love; take me far away.
~Under the Bridge~
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Re: A knife to my wrist and a swig of hard liquor - May 21st 2011, 07:07 PM

Hi there..

I'm really sorry about all of that. It isn't stupid at all, I know what it's like to have parents who fight or get angry easily. You need to know that no one could blame you for getting upset over that.

I know the fear of hiding cuts, I would really say that not doing it is so much easier, as good as you think you feel when you do it, you feel a lot more accomplished when you don't.

I really want to tell you to avoid alcohol. Especially if one sip made you feel that way.. I know too many friends that have fallen into some really horrible situations because of that.

You can talk to me any time alright?
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